Christmastime is here...

I feel like writing a random blog tonight.  Mostly because I'm hanging out with a bunch of people that are studying, but I don't have any homework.  And I have absolutely no idea how that happened.  Seems like over the past couple of weeks, I've done nothing but homework.  And it kinda sucks.  Thank God for the end of the semester.  I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice in taking another class.  Ah, at least I'll graduate a semester early.

Started thinking about grad school not too long ago.  It's weird that it's less than a year away.  Two years ago I wasn't even sure I'd make it through college.

Grad school's scary.  Especially with the prospect of going to a secular university.  I didn't even go to a secular high school... or middle school... OR elementary school.  And then there's my field of people who are probably as delusional as most of their clients.  A field with guys like Freud... oh Freud.  Now THAT guy had issues.  I don't know if many of you four people that read my blog have actually looked at Freud's life.  His life pretty much mirrors his theory.  You know that whole Oedipus complex thing, where the little boy falls in lust with his mother and wants to kill his father,  but is afraid of his father finding out that he loves his mother and then cuts off his man-parts?  I'm pretty sure Freud suffered from that one too.  He was a momma's boy, through and through.  He lived with his mother until her death, if I remember correctly.  It's odd how a lot of modern psychologists still hold to the guy that developed his theory by analyzing himself.  I'm all for self-awareness, but that's just a little ridiculous.

ANYWAY... Grad school scares me.  When did I get old enough for grad school?  I'm about to turn twenty-one in just over a week.  The scary thing is, I barely remember seventeen!  

For that matter, when did I get old enough for people younger than me to get married?!  I was invited to THREE weddings over the Christmas break.  THREE!  Over Christmas!  That's what, just six weeks?  And it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged too.  And I keep wondering, when did this happen?  When did I become an adult?  I don't even remember it happening.  It's like someone flipped a switch and said, "Okay, you're an adult!"  No seamless transition, no warning, no nothing.

So I just realized that I've talked a lot about stuff that's completely irrelevant from the title.  Shows you just how random of a mood I'm in.  CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE!!!!!!

I'm so excited for Christmas.  This is by far my favorite time of the year.  For some reason, and I know this is going to sound really naive, but everyone just seems happier this time of year.  Forget about all the crazy shoppers on Black Friday or the week before Christmas.  I don't know... there's just this sense of joy and expectation that starts right before Thanksgiving and continues through Christmas.  It's this excitement that sort of hangs in the atmosphere.

I haven't quite figured out if it's the expectation of presents, or family, or food, or just the thrill that comes with celebration.  Maybe it's the carols.  Christmas carols rock.  I love playing Christmas carols on my guitar.  Aaannnyyway... I haven't quite figured out what makes everyone so happy this year.  I know people are inherently selfish, so it's probably not the joy of giving.  Maybe it's the joy of getting...... I know people aren't all religious, so it can't be the joy of celebrating the birth of Jesus or the Hanukkah.  Not everyone has a family, so it can't be the joy of gathering with friends and family.  Not everyone likes the cold, so it can't be the snow... heck we don't even get snow here in Texas!

I really can't figure it out.  And it's going to bug me.  

I know what makes this such an exciting time of year for me.  For me, it's all the things that I mentioned.  I'm a human, so I'm inherently selfish too, and I fully admit that I love getting gifts.  But at the same time, I love giving gifts too... I like it when I make people happy, even if they don't like what I get them.  I'm religious, so celebrating the birth of my Savior brings me so much joy, remembering that He had to be born in order to die for my sins and be raised to life again.  I love my friends and family, and Christmas gives us an excuse to take a break from our busy lives to catch up and find out what's going on with everybody.  I even love the cold!

Maybe I shouldn't try to figure it out.  Maybe I should just sink back into my naive little world and enjoy everyone's "happiness" during this time of year.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

It seriously is the end of the world as we know it.

Before Tuesday, I had high hopes for America. I firmly believed that America would look past the empty promises and appearances of the most liberal candidate ever to run for POTUS in the history of the United States. I firmly believed that America would stand for traditional ideals of conservatism, and that we could keep this trend of socialism from fully coming to pass.

I was wrong.

And I wept for America on November 4, 2008. I wept for what I saw her becoming. I cried when it looked like conservatism died.

I want to take the time to break down why I think Obama won and McCain lost. Some of what I have to say isn't the general consensus, but this is what I saw happening.

McCain ran a lousy campaign. He alienated conservatives (until he selected Sarah Palin), and he didn't mobilize young voters using means like Facebook and Myspace. He didn't try to get the funds that Obama garnered (although I have to wonder how many of those funds came from his mob connections). Sarah Palin DID NOT cause him to lose. If anything, his choice of her as his running mate drew real conservatives like me into the campaign. I don't believe the smears about her before and after the election. I think those were caused by his campaign managers trying to cover their butts and shift the blame from them. They ran a lousy campaign! He didn't utilize Obama's nefarious connections with Wright and Ayers - in fact, his campaign managers and aides spent more time smearing Sarah Palin than they did Obama. He came across as wishy-washy and unclear. He never took a strong stand on the issues, unlike Sarah Palin. And he muzzled her when she was obviously the bright spot in his campaign.

Obama ran an excellent campaign. He mobilized young voters and used the people's dissatisfaction with the current administration to get voters. His promises were good and enticing, though anyone with a brain and knowledge of history could see right past them to what they were. He's one heck of an orator, and he knew how to get crowds fired up. And (dare I say it) he used his race, and people who had never voted before turned out en mass to vote for him.

In the days after this election, the world has seemed different to me in a way. I see a lot of changes coming our way - and none for the better. Just two days after the election, Russia is poised to begin its reconquest of the former Soviet Union by force. Iran, for the first time, has congratulated the United States in its election of the most liberal president in history. Hamas fired missles at Israel. Africa celebrated like nothing I've ever seen. Just two days after the election, Obama has already chosen as his chief of staff one of the most aggressive Democrats I've ever seen, a man who has threatened people that stand for conservatism. Other Democrats are already starting their in-fighting, vying for power. He has promised to take away the missile defense system that Bush put in place after 9/11. He's promised to create a militia-like army under the control of the federal government. And it's downright scary.

But I still have hope. Conservatism is not dead here in America. It is in exile, but it is not dead.

57 million people turned out to vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin. A whole slew of young conservatives and right-leaning moderates are organizing on the Internet to put conservatism back in the Congress in 201o and in the White House in 2012. We're frightened by what we see, but as Laura Ingraham said yesterday, this is in no way a defeat for conservatism. We may be down, but we are not out. We voted on the issues, not on the candidate. I think about Michele Bachmann in Minnesota, the victim of a vicious smear campaign by Nancy Pelosi and a Congresswoman from one of the most Democrat-leaning states in the Union. And she was reelected on Tuesday. She's promised to fight tooth and nail for conservative values. Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Rush Limbaugh are still on the radio, talking about how the GOP needs to reform and steps we need to take to make sure we still have a voice.

I want to see conservatism redefined. What are conservative values? What do we stand for? What defines us? These are going to be the questions we need to ask in the next four years.

I want to see a new group of conservatives rise up in the GOP. I'm not a member of the GOP, but I still feel like if they can make some major reforms in the party, it will still be a strong force for conservative values. I look for people like Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, and Sarah Palin - young spitfires who are pumped up about maintaining the Constitution, limiting government, and protecting family. Don't for one moment count Sarah Palin out of this. She made some mistakes in this election, partly because of her inexperience in the public eye. But she's a politician through and through, and if we give her four years, I have no doubt that she could be a great choice for a position of power in the Republican party, if not as president or vice-president, then in a cabinet position or in the Senate.

I want to see young conservative like me rise up and say that we're tired of being lumped in with the liberal youth of this country. Some of us know what the Constitution says and what it means. Some of us know history and understand the impact that this choice for president will have on this country and the world. We know how to utilize technology to get people fired up for conservative values, and we can mobilize people like no other generation in the past. Don't count us out just yet.

It's entirely possible that Barack Obama could be a good president. I worry about some of his policies, and I think that his choices for his cabinet are very telling about the kind of policies he plans to implement. No matter what, I'll still pray for God to guide him in his leadership of America and I congratulate him on his victory.

One thing that I've been hearing is that it's always darkest before the dawn, and I think that's true. We can use this time to regroup and to work the Conservative Underground. We can use this time to band together and unite for the values that our Founding Fathers held dear. God still remains sovereign, God still is on the throne, and God is still the God of this nation. "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand!"

God bless America. Even now.

Talk about a nail-biter...

Today I voted for the first time. I know... 20 years old and voting for the first time? I don't really have a good explanation other than I was nearly 17 for the 2004 election, and I didn't really care about the 2006 election.

But this one I care about. Because, like many people, I understand that this is a turning point in our nation's history.

No matter what, this will be an election for the history books. We will either have America's first African-American president and its first Catholic VP, or we'll have America's oldest president and first woman VP. Let me say from the beginning that I admire and respect all four candidates. It takes a lot of hard work to get as far as they've gotten, be it a governorship or a chair in the Senate. It takes a lot of guts to be the first-whatever, and it takes a lot of ambition to attempt to run for our nation's highest and second-highest offices.

Now to the reason I'm writing this particular entry.

I've been asked several times in the last couple of weeks who I'm voting for in this historical election. Up until about May, I had absolutely no idea. I knew nothing about Barack Obama, and I didn't particularly like John McCain (waffles too much for me). The media seems to like Obama for president, which is all well and good. But as I was listening to the media and listening to what Obama said, I realized something.

I can't, in good conscience, vote for Barack Obama.

--It's not because he's Black. I could care less whether the man was black, white, pink, orange, red, or yellow. If an African-American with good character and good politics ran for president, I'd vote for him in a heartbeat.

--It's not because he's Democrat. I'm not a Republican, I'm not a Democrat, I'm not a Libertarian. I'm an Independent. I registered that way because I don't want to hold to any party whatsoever. There are things in all the parties that I agree and disagree with, and I refuse to let partisanship stand in the way of voting according to my conscience.

--It's not because he's Muslim, or whatever he is. I could care less if the guy was Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Sikh, Jewish, or even some obscure tribal religion from the Pacific Islands. The Constitution says that a person's qualifications to hold office do not rest on their religious affiliation, and since the Constitution is the highest law of the land, I completely support it. Come to think of it, I have absolutely no idea what his religion is.

--It's not because I'm a feminist and want to see a woman get one of the highest offices in the country. While I admit, it would be nice, I honestly don't care. A person's gender has absolutely nothing to do with politics, or at least it shouldn't. We've survived for over 250 years without a woman president or vice-president, and I have a feeling we could survive without one for as long as this nation exists. We're not Britain.

Here's why I can't, in good conscience, vote for Barack Obama.

-- Abortion.  Over fifty MILLION children have been killed since Roe v. Wade in 1973.  That's over fifty million potential presidents, Bill Gates, governors, congressmen, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters.  Not only does Barack Obama support Roe, he also supports expanding the Court's decision to include partial birth abortion and limit even further the parental notification laws.  Partial birth abortion - where the doctor takes the child as it's coming through the birth canal, stabs it in the head with a pair of forceps, sucks out its brains until the skull caves in, and then pulls it out to dispose of it.  Does this sound humane?  As Christians, we are to value life and value children.  Proverbs says that children are a gift from God, and blessed is the man who has many of them.  Life, especially unborn life, is to be valued and protected, not thrown away because of some selfish urge to maintain a wild lifestyle or to not deal with a genetic problem like Down's Syndrome.

-- Homosexuality.  I'm not calling him gay, because I know he's not.  I don't hate homosexuals.  But I do believe, and Scripture backs me up, that homosexuality is a sin.  In Leviticus, God says that a man lying with another man is an abomination.  Just look at Sodom and Gomorrah.  Those two cities were wiped off the face of the earth because of their debase lifestyle.  And what is the sin that they committed?  Homosexuality.  It is a perversion of something good and beautiful that God created for a husband and wife to experience together.  Barack Obama supports allowing homosexual marriage.  He believes that homosexuality is not a choice (and there is no medical evidence to suggest that it is inborn).

-- Jeremiah Wright.  Now you and I both know that since Wright's debacle a few months ago, Obama has tried to distance himself from his former mentor.  But you and I also know that you can't spend twenty years calling a person "a close friend and mentor" without picking up some of his beliefs.  And Jeremiah Wright believes some outlandish stuff.  He is racist, claiming that God is for the African-American community alone.  And if He's not, Jeremiah Wright believes that that God deserves to die.  It's a heresy known as "Black Liberation Theology", developed by Dr. James Cone in the 1960's.  Look it up.  It'll raise the hairs on the back of your neck.

-- The economy.  We all know that the economy is in severe economic recession.  It's perfectly obvious.  Obama's taxation plan absolutely and completely sucks.  70% of all income tax is payed by 10% of Americans.  He claims to give the middle class a tax break, but in reality the middle class pays only about 30% of all income tax.  So where does that leave us?  It leaves us with CEO's of major companies having to deal with an enormous tax hike, which leads to job cuts to maintain profit margins, which leaves us with paying huge sales taxes on things like electronics and food and gasoline.  Yeah, that's right.  You think gas prices are bad now, just wait.  Oh, and by the way -- gas prices didn't skyrocket until we elected a Democratic Congress in 2006.  Jobs didn't decrease until we elected a Democratic Congress in 2006 (in fact, the number of jobs was on the rise).

-- History.  I'm a student of history.  I love learning about the past, for three reasons.  1) I believe that the past gives us a basis for the present; 2) I believe that the past helps us in the future; and 3) I believe that unless we understand the past, we're doomed to make its mistakes.  Studying the history of the United States reveals a lot of interesting facts.  Our nation's fathers feared a true democracy, a true rule by the people.  That's why, in the original Constitution, the only branch of the government elected by the people was the weakest branch - the House of Representatives.  They have a limited role in Congress, evidenced by a short term.  They are the only branch designed to reflect a popular vote.  In the original Constitution, the Senate was selected by the various state legislators.  The Founding Fathers recognized that a country cannot be run by people who do not understand government.  Those that were to be elected to high positions of authority were supposed to be highly educated people, familiar with philosophy and law and history.  They were to be the elite.  And instead, we've placed the government where it does not belong - in the hands of the people.

That's not the only thing that history teaches us.  Look at the Communist revolution in Russia in 1917.  Russia then was in a severe economic depression, and the people were calling for help.  And that's where Communism begins.  Lenin and Stalin promised the people money, equalization.  Sound at all familiar?  But the people sold them their souls, and Russia entered into a seventy-year period of oppression.  Equalization?  Bull crap.  Look at Germany after World War I.  Severe economic depression with high rates of unemployment and widespread poverty.  Along comes Adolf Hitler, promising to return Germany to its glory days, end the poverty, bring it back to a world power.  And what did it cost?  Historians estimate nearly eight million people were murdered at the hands of the Nazis -- homosexuals, gypsies, Slavs, Jews, Blacks, people with Down's Syndrome.  The same kind of genetic euthanasia that we're seeing with unborn children.  Look at Fidel Castro.  Same kind of promises -- jobs, power, money.  And look what it got them.  Religious oppression.  Economic depression.  Widespread poverty.  History has lessons for us to learn, folks.

--Socialism.  Barack Obama has said that his tax plan will open up the chance for those coming behind us to have money, to equalize us.  There's a fundamental flaw in his logic, though.  America is already the land of opportunity.  It is illegal to discriminate based on race, ethnicity, creed, sexuality, gender, and a number of other things.  Chances are already open for people to make money by working hard and saving even more.  Barack Obama's plan takes money from these hard-working Americans and gives it to people who might not be working so hard.  I don't know about you, but I don't want other people getting the money that I rightfully earned.  That's socialism, people.  It's trying to equalize everyone.  The problem is that not everyone is equal.  We seem to have this skewed sense of fair play.  Hate to tell you this, but life isn't fair.

Here's the real deal.

I don't particularly like John McCain (now Sarah Palin, I like.  I happen to disagree with the vast majority of people, because I think that she can be trusted with our nation's secrets.  She already is).  But I refuse to vote for a man that stands for the exact opposite of everything I believe.  I know America's going to hell in a handbasket, and it has been for some time.  But I firmly believe that if Barack Obama is elected, it will get there a lot faster.  And if I can do something to slow that process, I will.

In the meantime, I gotta start packing, because I just might be moving to Canada after next Tuesday.

Grace, I call your name...

I don't really get to say this too often.

Chapel Wednesday was absolutely, positively amazing.

I haven't exactly been challenged recently in my walk with Christ. You see, I go to a church that is... well... struggling. They're much more preoccupied with trying to find a pastor that meets the needs of the over-fifty crowd, and they're not too concerned with making sure that the younger college students, like myself, get fed. To be completely honest, I started going to the church so that I could play music and sing again, not because the preaching was awe-inspiring. And, in all actuality, there are maybe two or three people there that are concerned about our spiritual well-being at all.

Because of this, I've been feeling really empty lately. It's like all the passion built up inside of me from last semester just dissipated. And I have no idea where it went. I don't want to get up for church. I definitely, especially don't want to go to chapel. Except for Wednesday.

The reason I'm prefacing a blog about chapel like this is because I'm just amazed at how God sends along an incredible message exactly when I needed to hear it. I wasn't even planning on going to chapel on Wednesday. I had to get up incredibly early to take a 7:30 shuttle shift for a friend, and I'd only gotten about five hours of sleep that night. I was exhausted, and I figured that chapel would just be as mundane and unimaginative as usual.

But then I found out from a guy in my history class that Josh Patterson, one of the executive pastors at the Village, was going to be speaking. I decided at the last minute to go. And I'm so glad I did.

Grace.

He talked about grace. And it was so... incredible to hear that part of his testimony. See, he didn't operate under the "true love waits" policy before he got married, partly because he didn't grow up in an environment where that was emphasized. His wife did. His wife went to a doctor and found out that he'd given her a disease that could only have come from his sordid past. His wife, the innocent party in the whole mess, got sick because of his mistake. But she didn't blame him, even though she could've. She showed him grace.

And I got convicted. Very, very convicted.

Because, in struggling with this loss of passion, I've also been struggling with something much more subversive.

I've been struggling with lust.

Man, that feels so good, getting that out in the open.

I've been struggling with my thought life. I won't go into any details, but it should suffice to say that it's been an issue for well over a year. Not about anyone in particular, nothing out in the open, but I have a bad habit of letting my imagination get away from me. And that's a sin. Christ said so. He said, "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Substitute the word "man" for "woman" and "him" for "her", and you get my sin.

My sin is just as bad as someone who commits murder. Sin is sin in the eyes of the Lord. Even though it's not out in the open, it's still sin. And it still deserves to be punished, just like someone who commits murder or adultery or whatever.

But what I realized, listening to him talk, was that I've been shown just the same measure of grace that he has. My sin was nailed on the cross next to his, and because God chose me from the foundations of the earth, my sin has been forgiven, just like his. I have been saved by grace, because I was dead in my transgressions. I am a child of the King, though I was once a slave to darkness. Even though I continually struggle with this sin, it has been covered by the blood of the Lamb.

So let me take this to the next logical step. If I have been saved by grace, shouldn't I show the same amount of grace to a brother or sister that harms me? I have no right to be self-righteous, even to someone whose sin is not so latent. Can I really have the audacity to deny someone forgiveness just because they did something to hurt me? In the words of Paul, God forbid! I cannot, by the laws of grace, hold a brother or sister in judgment. I forgive because I've been forgiven.

And in thinking about all of this, I realize that I've been incredibly self-righteous. I have a terrible tendency to point out the faults of others, whether it's swearing or immorality or whatever. In reality, I have no right to sit in judgment of the sins of others. Judgment is in the hands of God, and not in mine. I have the obligation to show my brothers and sisters, and even those that don't believe, the same magnitude of grace that I've been shown.

Because, grace is unmerited favor. I sure didn't deserve it. I sure know people that didn't deserve it. But it was given to me anyway.

Declaration of Independence

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

I know that today is the day for barbecues and fireworks and pool parties, but let's think for a minute about what this day is supposed to mean for us Americans. Regardless of political beliefs, today is the day that we celebrate our independence, our freedom. And I think that this deserves some thought in between all the pool parties and hamburgers.

Most of us have had American history at some point in our lives, so we know about the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the Revolutionary War. But did you know that America is an anomaly in the world? We are the only country to have ever had a successful revolution that established a permanent form of government. The French revolution failed, and Napoleon took over as a dictator. The Cuban revolution brought in Castro. I'd say we're pretty blessed to have made it this far, despite our young history.

The Declaration of Independence is one of the greatest documents in history, up there with the Magna Carta. Jefferson was a master of words. Lines like "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" have become the cornerstone for our system of law and government. Later, the Constitution of the United States became the backbone for law, the ruler by which all legal and political decisions in our country have been measured for the past 250 years. But even the Constitution is based on this great document, one that established America as an independent nation.

The 4th of July celebrates the Declaration of Independence. This document made the King of England realize that we wouldn't back down, that we had expectations of freedom, and that we were willing to die to gain that freedom. And that attitude of freedom has prevailed for the past 250 years. But I would argue that America's independence was not gained through this magnificent document. In fact, the United States of America did not become a nation until 1781, when General Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington. No, American independence does not rest on any document. American independence was won, and is still being won, by the men that died to make it the most powerful nation in the world.

We enjoy the freedom to speak our opinions, the freedom to worship whatever God we please, the freedom to bear arms and confront our accusers because of those patriots that died in the American revolution. We enjoy this freedom because of those men that fought to keep our independence in the War of 1812. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that fought to keep the Union together and free the slaves, and the men that fought for their ideals, in the Civil War. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that died in the trenches in World War I. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that were decimated in World War II in order to stop a homicidal, megalomanaical madman who murdered 6 million Jews and more than 1 million people of other races and creeds. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that sacrificed themselves for an unpopular war in Vietnam. And we still enjoy this freedom today, because of the men and women fighting another unpopular war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Regardless of your political beliefs, these men and women deserve to be appreciated, thanked, and supported. They fight for our independence, carrying on the great tradition begun in 1776. They fight for the ideal that all men are created equal. They fight so that you can sleep safe and comfortable at night. They fight so tht you can choose whether to support the war or not.

I'm proud of my dad, a soldier who is overseas now protecting our country. I'm proud of my friends that have been overseas, fulfilling their duty to this country. I'm proud of all our soldiers, past and present, who give up everything for God and country. So today, when you're eating your barbecue and watching the pretty fireworks, remember those men and women that have died to protect your freedom and my freedom. Remember those men that risked their lives to build this country into what it is. And thank God that you have the freedom to eat your barbecue and watch your fireworks. 

Captivate Me

I'm complacent.

I've come to that conclusion recently.  I'm incredibly complacent.

My spiritual life is wonderful when I'm at school.  When my friends are here, when I have daily theological conversations, when I'm constantly surrounded by the Word.  But when everyone goes home, when I don't have daily contact with my core group of friends, my spiritual life goes down the tubes.  And I feel it.  I feel it in my very being.

A few minutes ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop having yet another theological discussion with a friend who came in for the evening (I'm still sitting in said coffee shop, but my friend is playing his guitar right now, so we're not conversing).  And I suddenly realized that I can't remember the last time I read my Bible.  I can't remember the last time I prayed.  I can't even remember the last time I spent quality time with God.

I miss the feeling of just being captivated by the Lord.  I miss the wonder of seeing His face on a daily basis, of going to my friends with a problem or a theological issue.  It's not totally bad, since I do have some friends that are still here.  It's not like I'm necessarily doing anything bad... I still go to church and everything.  But it feels like a facade, a mask that I put on.  And I hate it.  I hate not being real with myself, with my friends, and with God.  There's just no desire whatsoever, no passion, no real love for being in His presence.

It's a sad statement to my faith if I have to rely on friends to keep me accountable.  It's a sad statement to my spiritual health if I can't even take the time to read my Bible or, heck, even play a worship song in the privacy of my room.

You know what I just realized?  I'm in a desert of my own making.  And yet... somehow I feel like... I don't know.  Maybe God needs me to be in this place to finally get my attention again.  I'm a stubborn person.  It's one of my less-desirable qualities.  

So here I am, figuratively on my knees, waiting for You to come and captivate me.  Take all of the thoughts I've been having that aren't glorifying to You.  Take all my selfish desires.  Take all my complacency.  I need passion again.  I need desire.

-------------

Your face is beautiful, and Your eyes are like the stars

Your gentle hands have healing, there inside the scars

Your loving arms, they draw me near, and Your smile, it brings me peace

Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You

Devastate us with Your presence, falling down,

Rushing River, draw us nearer,

Holy Fountain, consume us with You

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

Your voice is powerful, and Your words are radiant bright

In Your breath and shadow, I will come close and abide

You whisper love and life divine, and Your fellowship is free

Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You

Devastate us, with Your presence, falling down

Rushing River, draw us nearer

Holy Fountain, consume us with You

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

And let everything be lost in the shadow

Of the light of Your face

And let every chain be broken from me

As I'm bound in Your grace

For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light

You're full of wisdom, power, and might

And every eye will see You.

--Captivate Us, by Watermark

Evangelical Manifesto?

When I'm bored at work, I like to surf the Web for some interesting news articles, and this one takes the cake on interesting. I ran across an article in the Dallas Morning News religion blog that interviews Os Guinness about a new "Evangelical Manifesto" that was published last week. It caught my eye because we just finished reading his book "The Call" in our DCM class, and much of the stuff in there caught my eye. His point in the book is that, as Christians, we are called by God to live out the nature of grace in our lives. His call is central to our very existence as Christians, first to surrender ourselves to His will, and second to live out that grace in a day-to-day life in our dealings with others. Careers, occupations, and things of that nature may not necessarily be a part of our vocation, our call to service Christ. So after discussing that, I realized that I like what he has to say. I think that it's very very Biblically based, theologically sound. So when I saw that he had been one of the people to write the "Evangelical Manifesto", I got curious.


Another reason I got curious was because we had studied the Evangelical movement in my American Church History class this semester. It's a curious thing... this movement. It was designed to get away from the radical Fundamentalist movement that portrayed God as vengeful and not loving (of course, He is a wrathful God because He's holy, but that's another issue altogether).

It's a good read. It has some very good points as far as finally settling doctrinal issues that evangelicals have been struggling over for months. The Church in America is suffering. It's on the brink of collapse, as a matter of fact. We don't know what we believe. We don't know doctrine, we don't know Scripture, and ultimately we have no idea of what God desires us to be. It's laxidaisical, lazy, apathetic, and just plain screwed up. We've focused far more on privatizing our religion and getting people in the doors than discipling them in accordance with Scripture ("teaching them all that I have commanded you".) We don't know theology. We don't know Christology. We don't know anything. And it's frustrating.

We also don't know how to get along with other people. We're so focused on saying that we're right and they're wrong that we forget how to civilly dialogue with someone from another religion or even another denomination. This Manifesto calls for a civil public square-- where we can discuss our different opinions with civility and gentleness, like we're called to do ("Always be ready to give an answer for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.") Too many fundamentalist Christians (*cough* Pat Robertson *cough*) just end up putting a bad name on Christianity by calling for assassinations or protesting gay marriage outside funerals for fallen soldiers. Every time they open their mouths it's to take out their foot and stick the other one in. There's a time and a place to vote against moral measures, and there's no time or place to publicly call for Christians to pressure the government into assassination. So many non-Christians look at these kind of actions and reject Christianity altogether, simply because it's a bad representation of what a relationship with Christ really means.

By calling for a civil public square, this Manifesto puts religion back into the public light, since it has been hidden in the darkness of privatization for way too long. My faith is not private. My faith is a part of who I am... my Jesus and His call are all that I am. Neither should we make other religions privatize their faith in favor of our own. I hate to tell you this, but America was never founded on Christianity. It was founded on the concept of religious liberty, for all religions. Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, agnostics, atheists, Christians, Sikhs, Taoists, Shintos, and religions I can't even think of... all religions are supposed to have the freedom to practice their religion (as long as it doesn't transgress civil law, i.e. ritual human sacrifice) and to freely speak about it (see the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States). It's what sets our nation apart from other nations, because we don't have one single religion that it recognized above all the others. I'm tired of the Pat Robertsons of this country calling for us to return to our Christian roots. I'm tired of the Jerry Falwells of this country calling for everyone to automatically become Christian, because it's the American thing to do. They may be wrong, but it's not our place to tell them to give up their beliefs without a shred of evidence why they should. The Gospel of Christ is compelling, the grace of God is irresistible, and we are His messengers... but we are not His enforcers. We do not convert anyone. The Holy Spirit converts people, with or without us. We tend to speak out of both sides of our mouths on this point. We say that we should be given the forum to speak, but no one else is allowed the same forum.

Secondly, this Manifesto calls for us to de-politicize religion. Nowadays, unless you're a part of a certain party, you're pretty close to being called a heretic! Our allegiance is not to any party platform, civil group, world cause, or anything of the sort. Our allegiance is to Christ and Christ alone, to His Gospel and the spread of it, to preaching freedom in Christ and redemption through His blood. We've forgotten that in modern America. This is not to say that we should remove ourselves from all politics. In fact, we should be involved in getting a Christian voice into major issues. We're called to stand up for injustice, the weak of society, the millions of murdered unborn babies, the victims of horrific genocide. It's what Jesus did. But Christianity is not a weapon for political points, to use Guinness's words. We're not to use the Bible to get across a political message. We're not to become terrorists for Jesus. There is a method to getting what needs to be done in politics. It's called voting. It's called litigation. It's called lobbying. Not simply on the basis of "Well, Jesus said so," but on the basis of "It's morally right." Christianity is to never, ever, ever be synonymous with one party or another.

I don't know about you, but I am so ready to be taught what I believe. I'm ready for someone to finally stand up and say, "The church in America needs help." I think that this Manifesto is a good thing (I wished they had picked another term... anything other than Manifesto. I have visions of Communism when they say that.). It's a call to change the way that we think. It's a call to change the way that we behave. It points out things that are wrong with our Church these days. It's a call to get back to actually understanding theology and examining what the Bible really says. It finally stands up to say that Fundamentalism got things wrong, and Liberalism got things wrong. It stands up and says that it's time for civil dialogue between Christians and other religions in this world.

But don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.

http://www.anevangelicalmanifesto.com/docs/Evangelical_Manifesto.pdf

With a song in my heart...

So I mentioned before that when bad things happen, I turn to music (Scriptural music, that is). I don't really know why that is, but for some reason, God always shows me a song that He wants me to consider when things start to go wrong in my life. And lately, that's been a lot of stuff.

I sat down about 3 weeks after Mrs. Marks died and begged God for the words to write a song for the way I was feeling. It seemed to me like everything that I had been feeling could be summed up in "Bring it on." I think I figured out that when things go wrong, God's trying to bring out a lesson for me. He's teaching me something about His character that I need to know. And what came to me was that, yes, it's okay to go through tough times in life. It's beneficial for us as Christians to face trials, because it teaches us to lean on Him for strength that we can't get anywhere else. And the way that I figure it, going through trials is okay by me, as long as God is there to protect my soul. So this is the product of that night.

Bring On the Storm-- Chris Johnston

Sometimes my life just makes no sense at all
The mountains before me seem just way too tall
I can't see in front, and I can't look behind
I can't seem to shake these doubts that plague my mind
So I'll cling to the love I can't comprehend
Claiming the blood that freed me from sin

So bring on the storm, bring on the rain
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul

I look for something to bring me some peace
I seek for someone to wipe these tears from my cheeks
I pray for mercy to come and make me whole
It's only Your mercy that fills this void in my soul
Though the wind howls around my battered form
I'll hold to the strength that can calm this storm

So let the lightning flash and the thunder roll
Let the rain pour down and make me whole again

Bring on the storm, bring on the rain,
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul

That song has been playing in my mind for the past couple of weeks, even when all that stuff went down with John last week. Though we may face trials of many kinds, God will never give us more than we can bear. Over the past month or so, He's given me more songs to hold onto during this time... they really speak peace over my life at this point.

This next song has been playing in my mind for the past 2 months or so, ever since... well, this semester from hell began.

Hold Me Jesus-Rich Mullins

Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big and my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I beat my head against so many walls, now I'm falling down,
Falling on my knees

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep, makes my resistance seem so thin
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

I adopted this next song by Rich Mullins a long time ago as kind of my life song... and it's held special meaning for me today. Nothing on earth should hold my allegiance but Him. If I'm going to stand, I'm going to stand on His grace and power and knowledge that He will indeed pull me through.

If I Stand

There's more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
There's more than this fire here that keeps me warm
And a shelter that is larger than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That You will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairie than the wind
And more that pulses in the ocean than the tide
There's a love that's fiercer than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother when her baby's at her side.

And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things.

Here's a kind of new hymn for me... it's the one I want playing at my funeral (if it's still around when I die). I still get chills every time I hear this song. I love the theological soundness of this song, and the tenacity of each of these statements. They are a firm statement on whom I will place my trust, and a bold declaration of where my hope lies.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love! What depths of peace!
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All-in-All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!

All of these songs have been teaching me about God and His grace. I have been shown such unmerited favor, that when hard times come, I can't help but hold strong so that my God will still be glorified. Each of these songs has a common theme... In Christ's love, God's goodness, and the Holy Spirit's power I will stand until He moves me. And I will continually praise Him, with His Word on my lips and His song in my heart.

Can the Godly MAN please stand up?

I love how, when it seems like nothing else in my life can go wrong, something does. Sometimes it just seems like God loves to do that to us down here (before I get yelled at, I know it's not true). The last semester has, without a doubt, been my most emotionally taxing semester to date. It starts with an attempted suicide, losing a good friend, my dad leaving for war, my teacher dying, my parents maybe moving and me losing my free tuition, and now... I get played yet again. For the third time in 2 years. Is it just me, or is there something wrong with that?!

At least, that's how it seems to me.

So I had been sort of talking to this guy at school since Israel. While we were on our trip, we talked all the time, he'd come by my room and we'd go exploring with our roommates, we either sat next to each other or close to each other on the bus or at dinner... and it seemed to be going really well. I knew he had an ex-girlfriend that he was unsure about, but it didn't really bother me all that much. I figured that he'd get over her eventually. Apparently I was dead wrong.

We hung out solid for six weeks after we got back from Israel. At least once a week. Sometimes more. On the trip, he found out I love red Starburst, and one day he brought me some and said that he bought them earlier and thought of me, and he wanted to give them to me. On the trip, he found out I love fresh strawberries, and he brought me some when we went to church together. He'd say really sweet things, like how he was surprised that there were no boys in my church growing up if I was there. Or how I looked nice on a certain day. Or how I had a really nice smile, and if it came out more often when he was around we should keep hanging out. Stuff that no guy, not even my best guy-friends, say to me. I knew he was still hanging out with his ex, but he told me that they were still friends and he liked to hang out with her. Little did I know, huh.

So the other night we were hanging out, doing homework in the library when the power died. We couldn't see to do homework, so we sat in the dark and looked at pictures on our laptops before they died too. He was showing me pictures of the Rangers games he'd been to, and one came up of him and his ex. He said something like how he was really excited to see her that day, because he hadn't seen her in a while. So I kinda got to thinking that something was up. I knew something was up before this went down, but now I really got a suspicion. We finally left the library because it was dark and hot and his computer died, and he walked with me back to my dorm. I finally got up the courage to ask him if I could ask him a question, so I asked him if he and his girlfriend were talking about getting back together. He said, "Yeah. I want to, but she's still trying to decide if she can deal with the whole military thing."

You would think that I'd be a little upset about it. But I wasn't. Not at first. We went down by the pond by the apartments, and I played a couple of songs on my guitar. A couple of minutes later, he got up to leave so he could do homework and I said, "Ok. I'll just play a little more down here." He said, "I'm sorry if I misled you or anything. I still like hanging out with you." I said, "It's ok. Your heart is where your heart is." So he hugged me and I told him, "I hope [your ex] knows that she's a very lucky girl." After I played another song, I went to Borders with some friends to watch a movie, and he called me while we were there to check on me and make sure I was ok.

I guess it's a blessing in disguise, in a way. At least now I know where I stand with him, for now. And I don't know what the future is, so something could happen later. It still doesn't dampen the pain and the heartbreak.

I wrote a Facebook note with the title of this blog at the beginning of last summer, when everything with Ben went down. I guess this latest situation reminded me of that. I admit my part in what went wrong. I screwed up and didn't guard my heart. He screwed up and didn't guard my heart either. Truth is, I liked him a lot. I still do. He had almost every quality I look for in a guy... a strong relationship with the Lord, a passion for people and kids, confidence in himself... almost everything. I'm so tired of BOYS. I want a MAN that will stand up and say "I like you, do you like me back?" In my entire life, that has never ever ever happened. I'm not waiting for the perfect man. I'm just waiting for someone to actually be a man.

I'm sick of being played. I'm sick of winding up with a broken heart for guy after guy after guy. I'm sick of waiting. Sometimes I wish that God would just put a guy in front of me and say "This one is good! Go for it!" And just once, I wish that that guy would have the same feelings for me that I do for him.

While I'm kinda angry, I don't think that he did it on purpose. He's not the type of guy to intentionally hurt someone. In a way, yes, he did lead me on. He gave me signals that I could not have possibly misinterpreted. And by signals, I mean flirty text messages, gifts of my favorite things, saying really sweet things. For those that I've talked to about this, ya'll know just what kind of signals they were. He never acted that way to other girls, even girls that he's known much longer than he's known me. I could have sworn things were going really really well... especially since he told me that he doesn't like rushing into relationships.

I don't know what to do. I want to be friends with him still. I'm cool with being friends with him still. Especially since I know what's up now. At least, I think I can be friends with him still.

How do you heal a broken heart? Is there really anyway other than facing it? I don't want this whole thing to take another six months to get over.

Apparently I need some more practice in reading people.

Three Weeks Later

It has been three weeks since my world got shaken up yet again. Somehow I feel like I've been in a fog since Mrs. Marks passed away. I seem to function normally... I go to classes, I hang out with friends, I laugh, I sing, I worship. But it's still empty... everything except my worship now. That's the only thing that is constant in my life at the moment. It's like, instinctively I know that Jesus is the only thing that makes sense in this kind of situation. I love chilling with my friends (one in particular, of course), and it keeps my mind off it, but it's like there's so much that I need to get off my chest that I'm holding in.

There's a huge void in my heart now, and I didn't even know that she had filled it. I was close with her while I was in high school (she was one of my absolute favorite teachers), but over the past couple of years, since I graduated, I didn't get to see her that much. I would always make sure I gave her a hug and talked with her a little bit whenever I went up to school, but those trips became fewer and more far between after last year.

The only place I can think of turning to is Jesus. I was thinking about it last night as I was trying to write a song for these three weeks. As empty as I feel, as pointless as this death seems, the only thing that I could think of saying to God was "Bring it on." I think somewhere in the back of my mind I realized last night that this storm makes me trust Him more. When nothing in my life makes sense, I know that this situation is growing me as a person and as a Christian. He's all I have left to hold onto, and I have to resolve that the wind and the rain is not going to loosen my grip on Him or His grip on me. His mercy and His grace are the only things that can make my heart whole again, but it's through that rain falling down on me that I am washed clean from all my grief and shame.

I can almost hear God saying to me what He said to Job: "Who are you to question My plan?" If I can't trust God in EVERY circumstance, my faith, my life, my salvation means nothing. God didn't call me to trust Him in just the good times. He called me to take up my cross daily and follow Him, leaving everything behind that I held dear. He said that narrow is the road that leads to eternal life. He promised that the road would get rocky at times, and that I would walk through the darkness where a million other voices would compete for my attention. But He also said that He would be a lamp for my feet and a light to my path. He promised that He would be the Prince of Peace, a Wonderful Counselor. He promised that nothing could ever pluck me out of His hand. He promised that He would never leave me or forsake me. And most of all, He said that death has no more victory, and the grave has no more claim on my life because Christ rose from the dead and is now seated at the right hand of God the Father. I believe those promises. It's the only place I can put my hope. Christ is the only hope for me now.

Three weeks. A lot has happened in three weeks. There's so much good that has come out of a really bad situation that it's impossible to deny God's hand in it. From what I've heard, two people have accepted Christ as a result of Mrs. Marks' death. The classes at the high school are finally banding together, acting as each other's support pillars. The Ovilla students here at DBU have come together to support each other, and to pray for each other. The teachers have gathered around her husband and son to be there for them. People have come together all over the country to be a support for everyone grieving. And most of all, I can see it's effects in my own life. I have something spurring me on now... just to make her proud of me. I want to be an encouragement for the students at Ovilla (a place that I just wanted to get out of). I want to make her proud of the woman I have become, and proud of the woman I will become. If I can have half the impact in my lifetime that she had during her short 32 years on this planet, I will look at my life with no regrets.

Three weeks. Seems much longer for me. I feel like I've aged about a year in these three weeks. But it's a combination of a good aging and a bad aging. I think God has made me grow up more in the past three weeks. Death and the brevity of life are realities for me now. You know, when you're young, a lot of times you think you're invincible, that there's nothing in the world that can get you. A tiny little bacteria got Mrs. Marks. I'm not invincible. My life is short, a mist fading with the coming morning. I hadn't really faced that before. Oh sure, people I know have died before, but I was young then. It didn't affect me much. Mrs. Marks was only 12 years older than me. That's not a lot. God's sovereignty and power are realities for me now. I have to place my trust in Someone that knows a lot more than I do, and who is way more powerful than I am. I have to place my hope in something that I can't see. Believe me, I'm not using God as a crutch. When something like this happens, His control and His power are the only things that make sense. If I blame someone for this, it only makes me bitter and coldhearted. God is my life. God was her life.

I was digging through my garage a couple of weeks ago, about a week after she died. I found a letter that she wrote me on graduation. At the end of the letter was one of my favorite verses of all time. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2) She ran the race marked out for her since the beginning of time. She fought the good fight and finished the race and kept the faith, and she's received her due reward. Now it's my turn. She was my track coach so I'll use a good track term. She's handed the baton off to me, and it's my turn to run the race. My only prayer is that I finish in a manner that she would be proud of, and in a way that would make my Father in heaven say to me the same words she heard when she stepped through that door: "Well done, good and faithful servant."

In Loving Memory

This past Wednesday, March 26, 2008, my beloved high school math teacher and long-time friend, J.J. Marks, went home to be with the Lord, along with her unborn little girl.  J.J. died from complications with her pregnancy, which was 8 months along.  She got a severe infection from strep, which spread through her whole body.  Additionally, the placenta separated from the uterine wall, killing the baby.  She wasn't feeling well Monday or Tuesday, and Tuesday night she started throwing up and hemorrhaging.  She went to the doctor Wednesday morning and he couldn't detect a fetal heartbeat, so they took her in for an emergency C-section.  When they opened her up for the surgery, her blood pressure plummeted, and they found a massive infection that had spread throughout her whole body.  They couldn't do anything for her.  Her husband was in Mexico at the time on a mission trip, and they flew him back over the border.  From what I heard, he didn't know about J.J. when he landed.

It's been tough for all of us that knew her and loved her.  She was the only person I ever knew that could actually make calculus fun.  I've known her practically my whole life.  When I was little, she had my dad for a teacher in high school, and she babysat me a few times.  At that time, I was absolutely obsessed with "Beauty and the Beast," and she gave me a huge "Beauty and the Beast" poster that hung in my room until I got into high school.  At school, I always called her Mrs. Marks, but to me, inside, she was just J.J.  My sixth grade track and basketball coach, the woman that would take me home every so often, the teacher that I got to beat at trivia my senior year of high school.  I loved her so much... even though I didn't always show it very well.  And I know she loved me too... which is what makes this so hard.

She impacted a lot of people in her short time on earth (she was only 32 when she died).  A bunch of my friends and I got together and swapped stories about her.  I wish I could remember more.  She was fun, sarcastic, crazy, cool, smart... and most of all she loved the Lord.

This time has been especially hard for her family, her mom and dad and sister, and especially her husband and young son Jonathan (who is only 3).  Jonathan doesn't understand what's happening, and he's not going to have many memories of his mother.

The funeral was today.  They had it at First Baptist Dallas, where she went to church.  The crazy thing is, that place was completely packed out with students, friends, family... and it's a big sanctuary.  At the viewing last night, it took 4 hours to get everyone through the line.  That's how much she impacted those of us that knew her.

It's still hard to believe she's gone.  At the viewing last night, I kept expecting her to pop up and say "Surprise!  Just kidding!"  But she didn't.  And it's taking some time to process everything.  I feel like I've been in a fog or flying on autopilot for the past three days, ever since I found out Wednesday night.  She was so young, so full of life, so in love with her husband and son and Savior, and so dedicated to her students.  She would tutor some of the people that graduated with me in their calculus and math classes, and she offered to tutor me in statistics last semester.  I cared about her so much.  Yesterday at the viewing, her husband saw me walk in and grabbed me in a big bear hug, and told me that she thought the world of me.  Today at the graveside service, Jeanie (her sister) handed me a rose from the coffin and told me that she would have wanted me to have it.  Her mom grabbed me in a big hug and told me that J.J. loved me so much.  All these things keep rolling around in my head... and it's so hard to process it.

I know that she's with Jesus.  She gets to see every day what I only long to see, and what I can only dream about.  She gets to worship her Savior all day long, for all eternity.  I know she wouldn't want us to be sad, because she's not sad.  She's free from pain and suffering and whiny students that complain about calculus.  And she finally knows how much she was loved.  Heaven got a little sweeter on Wednesday when she and that gorgeous little Tanya showed up at the door.  I know that I can rest my hope in the fact that I will see her again someday, and she'll be there to greet me when I go up there.  It only makes me long for heaven that much more.

Please, be in prayer for her husband and son.  He's really strong now, but he will probably have his breakdown pretty soon.  Her parents and sister need your prayers too.  Be especially in prayer for her students and the teachers and administration at OCS as they try to deal with this loss.  I heard some of the students won't even go into her classroom.  It caught everyone off guard... and everyone is trying to grieve now.

I found this verse on Thursday when I was still trying to process everything, and I want to leave you with it.  "When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."- Psalm 34:17-18.

Eretz Israel

I spent Spring Break in the "Holy Land", the land of the Bible, of Jesus and His disciples, of a unique history and tradition. It was absolutely amazing. It's hard to describe the trip to someone that didn't go, because God taught us all something unique while we were there. I guess, I can just suffice to say that it was amazing. Awesome. Inspiring. Incredible. Once-in-a-lifetime.

Friday afternoon we boarded a flight to Atlanta to catch our connecting flight to Tel-Aviv. Our flight from Dallas was delayed for about an hour and a half, so when we finally landed in Atlanta we had about 30 minutes to get to our flight. Which was, of course, on the other end of the airport. Four terminals away. And, of course, when we landed our arrival gate was taken, so we had to wait for about 15 minutes on the tarmac for another gate to open. When the door finally open, we dashed out of the plane and literally ran down the hall, our carry-on bags swinging behind us. Our gate was at the far end of the terminal, so we ran down the hall to the escalator and barely hopped the train to the next terminals. We finally reached Terminal E, where our connecting flight was, and we sprinted up the escalator, huffing and puffing along the way. The airline sent 2 carts for us, so we all hopped on one, but our combined body weight was too much for it. The cart scraped bottom several times before it just stopped at the end of our hall, and our gate was at the other end of the hall. We said, "It's okay, we'll just run from here," and jumped out of the cart and sprinted to the end of the hall. Fortunately, all of us made it in one piece, and we settled down for the 12-hour plane ride.

We landed in Tel Aviv at about 8 p.m., Israel time, almost 1 p.m. Dallas time. We deboarded the plane and made our way through security (Israeli security is insane) to passport control. When I got up there, they asked me a bunch of questions and then made me wait next to the booth. The lady took my passport and boarding pass and handed it to another security guard, who made me wait in a room next to a huge computer room. By this time, I was confused, scared, tired, in a lousy mood, and all I wanted to do was go to bed. I sat down and watched the soccer game on the television in the corner, and two other ladies came in and sat opposite me. They started talking, and I finally figured out that it was because we had military connections. About 10 minutes later, they came back and handed me my passport and a gate pass. I said "Thank you," grabbed my bag and walked out the door. When I met everyone on the other side of the gate, they all cheered for me and handed me my checked luggage. Everyone asked me if I was okay, and I think they saw in my face that I was pretty freaked out. The whole time I had tried hard not to cry, and finally, the tears started coming down my face, which embarrassed me even more! But then everything was okay, and we headed out on our tour. And I will never, ever forget it.

It's hard to describe exactly where we went because we pretty much went everywhere. We visited Nazareth, Bet She'an, Megiddo, Caesarea Philippi, the Jordan River, pretty much every major site in Jerusalem, the Dead Sea, Masada, Qumran, Capernaum... and that's just off the top of my head. It was amazing to be able to walk in the places that Jesus walked, to see some of the things that He saw. It was so cool to kneel in the Garden of Gethsemane, listening to the sounds of traffic and realizing that Jesus suffered so much in that garden for my sin, and even if I was the only one in the world that needed it, He still would have done it because He loves me and because through His sacrifice, my life now is supposed to glorify God. It was surreal to walk into the Garden Tomb and see that He's not there, because He rose in victory over death. It was sobering to walk through the Holocaust Museum and see all the horrible, unspeakable things that Hitler did to the Jews. It was awesome to sit at the Church of the Beatitudes, and imagine what it would have been like to hear Jesus speaking the Sermon on the Mount.

One of my favorite parts of the trip was to be able to see how the Israelis live now. I think sometimes as Americans we view Israel as this ancient land, and people still live like they did in the time of Christ. But that's not true at all. Jerusalem and Tel-Aviv, in particular, are very modern cities. Their citizens take buses to their jobs, or they have cable and running hot water, or they have satellite, and they have cell phones. The only ones that don't necessarily have some of this stuff are the Orthodox Jews, and even then they are very modern.

I also liked being able to see them live out their culture and beliefs. When we were in Jerusalem, we saw several bar-mitzvahs at the Wailing Wall, and we even saw one party in our hotel. They were dancing and laughing, and really having a blast. And the party went on for hours. It was so cool... and we really wanted to join in, but I don't think they would have appreciated it too much. The craziest thing was being there on Shabbat, or Sabbath. When I woke up on Saturday, I looked out the window to observe what was going on down there, and I didn't see a thing. No cars, no people... just empty streets. It was so cool. They take the command to keep the Sabbath holy seriously. Most shops closed Friday afternoon around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Sometimes I wish we took our holy days that seriously.

Another thing that was really cool was seeing that, in reality, Israel and the places where Jesus walked are just ordinary places. Nazareth was really nothing special. The Sea of Galilee was just a regular lake (though it was absolutely beautiful). Jerusalem, with all its rich history, was just a city like Washington, D.C., or Rome. The thing that made them special was the fact that Jesus was there, and the fact that God did something extraordinary. My friend John and I were talking when we got back (it was him that really made me think about this), and he said that it really made him think about what that means in our lives. The Bible is full of examples of God taking ordinary, fallen men and turning them into something extraordinary to fulfill His purposes. If God can do that with a place like Israel, or people like Peter or John or Gideon, He can certainly do that with me.

It also hit me pretty hard how much they have had to struggle for their survival as a nation. When we traveled north to Caesarea Philippi, we passed through mine fields and bombed-out villages near the border with Lebanon, remains from the war a couple of years ago with Hezbollah. Then in Jerusalem, we passed the hill where the paratroopers landed in 1967 in the Six Day War and pushed the Jordanians out of Jerusalem and eventually most of Israel. We passed three layers of barbed wire fences on the border with the West Bank area, and our guide said that they have regular armed patrols there. On the Temple Mount itself, guards stood in full riot gear with M-16s and Uzis. Then in the Holocaust Museum, we saw how Hitler cut deep into the flesh of the Jewish people when he murdered 6 million people, including 1.5 million children. It's a huge blow to realize how much Satan has been after the Jews in the past 2,000 years since Christ ascended into heaven. Since coming into existence in 1948, they have been in constant war. That's nearly 60 years of war. And yet, God continues to perform miracles in their nation, especially in the Six Day War.

The thing that God did the most with me, however, was show me the passion He feels for Israel. While I was there, it really hit me hard that I am "grafted into" the kingdom. Israel is God's chosen people. He revealed Himself through them, Jesus revealed Himself through them, and He is their Messiah. Jesus Himself said that He came to the Jews, so that they don't have to live under the law anymore. It's only through His grace that He allows the Gentiles to come into His kingdom, to be grafted in. I think a lot of times the church in particular forgets about this aspect. While I was there, I read Romans 9-11, where Paul talks about his passion for the Jews to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus. And for the first time in my life, I really felt that passion, that desire to see them finally recognize their Messiah, the one that came for them. For the first time, I realized that I have been taken from where I naturally belong and grafted into the Root of Jesse, a place that belonged to the Jews in the first place. I think many times I've been arrogant to them, thinking "They rejected Christ, so they're nothing really special." But it's not true at all. They are a very special people, chosen by God to do a great work in the world. It is undeniable that God still has His hand on them today. And, for once, I was really glad to be put in my place.

I've been back in the States now for a couple of weeks, and I must say I miss Israel like crazy. I miss being able to wake up and see the Orthodox Jews hurrying to work or school. I miss looking out over the Dead Sea from the heights of Masada. I miss looking out over the city of Tel-Aviv and seeing the Mediterranean crash on the soft sand. I miss being on the Sea of Galilee and imagining what it would have been like to see Jesus walking toward me on water. But I've enjoyed having a new perspective on the Middle East, and finding articles and books on the Six Day War and how to talk to Jews about Christ. The images I saw and the lessons I learned will stay with me forever.

God of This City

It's amazing how God moves. This past weekend was an incredibly shortened version of Passion 2007, which was absolutely awesome. Definitely an experience I'll never forget. And as much as I thought this year could be forgettable, it won't be. That'll teach me to limit the Holy Spirit.

Over the past couple of weeks I've really been struggling. My joy in the Lord had gone through a, well, weak phase. I'd fallen into a routine of doing "Christian" things. I'd read my Bible, or go to chapel, or sing... but it wasn't a passion that was burning in me. I missed that uncontrollable fire, that all-consuming desire to know God more and to worship Him on a deeper, more intimate level. On top of that, I got distracted by--you guessed it-- a boy (can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, apparently). Don't get me wrong; if anything, by being friends with this boy, I've had to reexamine much of what I've believed in my whole life, because he challenges me to think beyond what I've been taught. But instead of thinking much about God, I've been thinking about him.

Last week, I was presented with the most troubling question for my DCM class. "Who are you?" To be honest, I couldn't figure that out. I've been taught my entire life that I have no identity outside of Christ, that His child is who I am and all I need to be. And for a while, that was okay with me (and for the record, it still is). But I wanted to know who I really am, taking Christ out of the equation.

I saw that this weekend. I'm different. I'm a radical, because I believe in something higher and better than I am. I've been changed by the blood of the Lamb. I'm a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come. The songs spoke to me-- Jesus makes all things glorious, and He remade me. So that makes me glorious. I want to be different. I don't want to have an identity away from Christ, because He is my life-giver. I want to forever be known as His child.

You want to know what I am, taking Christ out of the equation? I'm nothing. I'm nothing even with Christ in the equation, because He is everything, but His residence in me at least makes me something. But without Him... my life is worthless, meaningless existence. No joy, no love, no compassion, no companionship... absolutely and completely nothing. It's a scary thought for me, being without Christ. Maybe that's why it's a good thing that my identity is so deeply in Him.

And guess what else I learned (I know, as if there could be more after that earth-shattering revelation)? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME! All of this is not about me. It's not about my new life. It's not about my glory. It's about Him. Everything that I do, everything that I dream, everything that I am is God and God alone. And I can say that, coming out of one of the worst storms of my young life, I'm glad that it's not all about me, because I have failed time and time again (if you need proof, just look at my life the past couple of weeks).

Passion, for me, was a chance to renew what I found last year. I wanted that fire, that (hah!) passion, that desire I had found. Well, I found it. And it was beautiful.

How Can I Keep From Singing?

I think this is the first time in a long time I have no idea how to start. A lot has happened in the past week... a lot of painful memories and confusing events. When bad things happen, I tend to get somewhat introspective and reserved as I try to sort them out in my mind after I talk to people about them. But something I've learned in the past week is that not everything can be understood. Choices people make, actions people take, and things God allows can't always be comprehended. And that's what hurts so much. So I turn to people that can say what I'm feeling way better than I can. And I generally find them in songs.

I don't pretend to know everything. I don't pretend to grasp why God chooses to move the way that He moves, and why it tends to cause us so much pain. But I find comfort in these words that others have written in times of distress. As I've lain awake at night, trying desperately to find some peace of mind, these songs have gently rocked me to sleep, knowing that I rest in God's grace, and our suffering lasts for but a moment.

Grace- Phil Wickham
The sky is gray, and the light is far,
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved
'Cause I need eyes to be my guide,
I need a voice that's louder than mine
I need hope, and I need You, 'cause I can't do this alone

Grace I call Your name, o won't Your smile fall down on me
I'm cracked and dry, on bended knee
O sweet Grace, rain down on me! I need You, Grace.

I pray for dawn, a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
The darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there's a greater Light shining for us
'Cause I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that's louder than mine,
I need hope, and I need You, 'cause I can't do this alone

I Will Wait For You There- Phil Wickham
I will wait for You there, down on my knees where I met You
Give You all of my cares, find the grace to hold onto now
I'm calling for You
I will wait for You there, far from the world and its violence
It's left me broken and bare, I need to hear You in the silence now
I'm calling for You

And with outstretched arms, I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart will pour out a symphony
Hallelujahs in the morning, hallelujahs in the night
I will wait for You as long as I have life

I will wait for You there, down on my knees where I met You
'Cause life is a war fought with tears, but You are the strength I hold onto now
I'm calling for You

It Is Well With My Soul
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul

My sin, O the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend!
Even so, it is well with my soul.

I Will Lift My Eyes- Bebo Norman
God, my God, I cry out,
Your beloved needs You now
God be near, calm my fears and take my doubts
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the ocean's raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
A melody over me
God right here, all I bring is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lord that I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now.

The Light Will Come- Phil Wickham
To the one with the wounded heart, years of fighting have left you scarred
Wait, the Light will come.
To the one with the distant eyes, all this crying has left you dry
Wait, the Light will come. Wait, the Light will come.

Lift your eyes, the Sun has overcome the night
Come alive as we shine in Love's true light.

Here is laughter in all the tears, here is courage to face your fears
Look, the Light has come.
So rise, you daughters and stand, you sons, claim the victory that Jesus won
Look the Light has come. Look, the Light has come.

Lift your eyes, the Son has overcome the night
Come alive as we shine in Love's sweet light

Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou has been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hands hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.

Arise & Be Comforted- Watermark
Arise, and be comforted, for the Lord
He is good to the weary,
Even the young heart can tire and fall
But He knows them all
For the Lord, He will renew their strength
And they will soar on wings as eagles
And they will run and never grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint
For the Lord, He is good.

Lift your eyes to the heavens
For the Creator is living in you
Come surrender as you are, and know that you'll never stray too far
Let His power within you heal your heart
Lift your eyes to spacious skies
Let Him chart your way of flight
Spread your wings and fly
For the Lord, He is good.