I've come to that conclusion recently. I'm incredibly complacent.
My spiritual life is wonderful when I'm at school. When my friends are here, when I have daily theological conversations, when I'm constantly surrounded by the Word. But when everyone goes home, when I don't have daily contact with my core group of friends, my spiritual life goes down the tubes. And I feel it. I feel it in my very being.
A few minutes ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop having yet another theological discussion with a friend who came in for the evening (I'm still sitting in said coffee shop, but my friend is playing his guitar right now, so we're not conversing). And I suddenly realized that I can't remember the last time I read my Bible. I can't remember the last time I prayed. I can't even remember the last time I spent quality time with God.
I miss the feeling of just being captivated by the Lord. I miss the wonder of seeing His face on a daily basis, of going to my friends with a problem or a theological issue. It's not totally bad, since I do have some friends that are still here. It's not like I'm necessarily doing anything bad... I still go to church and everything. But it feels like a facade, a mask that I put on. And I hate it. I hate not being real with myself, with my friends, and with God. There's just no desire whatsoever, no passion, no real love for being in His presence.
It's a sad statement to my faith if I have to rely on friends to keep me accountable. It's a sad statement to my spiritual health if I can't even take the time to read my Bible or, heck, even play a worship song in the privacy of my room.
You know what I just realized? I'm in a desert of my own making. And yet... somehow I feel like... I don't know. Maybe God needs me to be in this place to finally get my attention again. I'm a stubborn person. It's one of my less-desirable qualities.
So here I am, figuratively on my knees, waiting for You to come and captivate me. Take all of the thoughts I've been having that aren't glorifying to You. Take all my selfish desires. Take all my complacency. I need passion again. I need desire.
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Your face is beautiful, and Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing, there inside the scars
Your loving arms, they draw me near, and Your smile, it brings me peace
Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You
Devastate us with Your presence, falling down,
Rushing River, draw us nearer,
Holy Fountain, consume us with You
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.
Your voice is powerful, and Your words are radiant bright
In Your breath and shadow, I will come close and abide
You whisper love and life divine, and Your fellowship is free
Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You
Devastate us, with Your presence, falling down
Rushing River, draw us nearer
Holy Fountain, consume us with You
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.
And let everything be lost in the shadow
Of the light of Your face
And let every chain be broken from me
As I'm bound in Your grace
For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light
You're full of wisdom, power, and might
And every eye will see You.
--Captivate Us, by Watermark
