A couple of hours ago I went with my family to watch "Enchanted", the latest Disney fairy tale. It's a cute movie... a very cute movie. An evil queen of Andalasia banishes the beautiful maiden Giselle to the not-so-magical New York City to keep her from marrying the dashing Prince Edward. Giselle meets Robert, an uptight engaged divorce lawyer, and his charming daughter Morgan. In spite of Robert's reluctance, Giselle shows him that sometimes what we call reality isn't all it's cracked up to be, winning his daughter's heart with her optimism. Not exactly what you'd call a thought-provoking plot line. But something deserves a little bit of attention.
I'm not exactly what you'd call an optimist. The older I get, the less I look at the bright side of the world. I find it difficult to believe that two people who get a divorce or are on the way to a divorce will get back together. I see a homeless old man on the side of the road and immediately hold my purse tighter. I'm suspicious of everyone until I get to know them.
I gotta say, to not be suspicious of everyone would be a little naive. But I don't think it should really be this way. Throughout the movie, Robert constantly tells Giselle that fairy tales and true love are not reality. They're not rational. It's better to think through things like love and attraction instead of going with your gut. And I would agree with statements like that, especially in a world like ours.
Part of me doesn't want the world to be like this. I'm not naive, I know that things are the way that they are, and there's not much that's going to change that. But what would the world be like if we lived like that? If we showed kindness to strangers, if we kept a brighter outlook on life, if we weren't immediately suspicious of everyone that crosses our paths. I think that's why I like fairy tales so much. It gives me a break from the cruel realities of the power-driven world around me. I sure hope I don't outgrow this need for a brighter side to life.
Is that a bad thing?
Friday, November 23, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Premonition
Do you ever get those weird feelings like there's something that God's trying to tell you, but it's so off the wall you can't really tell if it's from God or not? I've had that for the past couple of weeks (and no, this is not about a boy, for once). And I have no clue where it's coming from...
I guess I should start from the beginning. I've known I was called to the mission field for about a year now. God grabbed a hold of me last year and showed me very plainly that He wanted me to be a missionary overseas (before you ask, no I don't know where I'm going).
For the past three weeks God has almost continually been reinforcing that call. It started with a chapel about three weeks ago, and they showed a video from The Voice of the Martyrs. This just happened to coincide with UMHB's Missions Emphasis Week. Robyn headed up the Persecution Simulation, and she told me some pretty intense stuff from that, about how about thirty people were "killed" for their faith, and a couple of people even denied Christ. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about persecution, and it keeps coming up. Last Sunday, a guest pastor at the church I've been going to talked about boldly proclaiming the Gospel. The speaker at chapel on Monday talked about ministering to the people around us, and about taking risks for the Good News. And then, today at church the youth pastor talked about understanding that to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
I'm not going to lie... most of this freaks me out a little. I've learned enough about God to know that when things keep coming up like this, there's generally a reason- there's no coincidences when it comes to stuff like this. But I honestly don't know what He's trying to tell me.
I've come to a place now where I know that I'm a soft Christian. My faith has never been tested with someone telling me that I'm absolutely wrong. I've definitely never been told that if I don't deny my Lord someone's going to kill me. I can't help but wonder... if I'm placed in that situation, am I going to deny Jesus? Will I be able to stand up in the face of death and say, "Yes, I believe in Christ, and I don't care what you do to me"? The girls that denied Christ in that persecution simulation probably never thought that they would react that way.
But something else I've come to realize as I was talking to my mom about all of this... The God that we serve is truly a God of grace. If we do deny Christ, we don't lose our salvation. Peter denied Jesus three times, and he went on to establish the church in Rome and eventually be martyred for his faith. Every one of the disciples ran away when Jesus needed them most, and all but one were martyred for their faith. William Tyndale (if I remember right) denied that he was printing Bibles during Bloody Mary's reign, and eventually he was martyred. History is full of examples of second chances.
I have to admit... the thought of dying overseas in very painful ways scares me. I always hoped that one day I would be able to die quietly in my sleep... and who knows, that still might await me. But I'm slowly accepting the idea that "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." If I do have a long life, I have so many more opportunities to serve Him and to share His love with others. If I die, I pray that it will be in a way that glorifies God, and if God is glorified through a painful death, it's okay with me.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I've known I was called to the mission field for about a year now. God grabbed a hold of me last year and showed me very plainly that He wanted me to be a missionary overseas (before you ask, no I don't know where I'm going).
For the past three weeks God has almost continually been reinforcing that call. It started with a chapel about three weeks ago, and they showed a video from The Voice of the Martyrs. This just happened to coincide with UMHB's Missions Emphasis Week. Robyn headed up the Persecution Simulation, and she told me some pretty intense stuff from that, about how about thirty people were "killed" for their faith, and a couple of people even denied Christ. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about persecution, and it keeps coming up. Last Sunday, a guest pastor at the church I've been going to talked about boldly proclaiming the Gospel. The speaker at chapel on Monday talked about ministering to the people around us, and about taking risks for the Good News. And then, today at church the youth pastor talked about understanding that to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
I'm not going to lie... most of this freaks me out a little. I've learned enough about God to know that when things keep coming up like this, there's generally a reason- there's no coincidences when it comes to stuff like this. But I honestly don't know what He's trying to tell me.
I've come to a place now where I know that I'm a soft Christian. My faith has never been tested with someone telling me that I'm absolutely wrong. I've definitely never been told that if I don't deny my Lord someone's going to kill me. I can't help but wonder... if I'm placed in that situation, am I going to deny Jesus? Will I be able to stand up in the face of death and say, "Yes, I believe in Christ, and I don't care what you do to me"? The girls that denied Christ in that persecution simulation probably never thought that they would react that way.
But something else I've come to realize as I was talking to my mom about all of this... The God that we serve is truly a God of grace. If we do deny Christ, we don't lose our salvation. Peter denied Jesus three times, and he went on to establish the church in Rome and eventually be martyred for his faith. Every one of the disciples ran away when Jesus needed them most, and all but one were martyred for their faith. William Tyndale (if I remember right) denied that he was printing Bibles during Bloody Mary's reign, and eventually he was martyred. History is full of examples of second chances.
I have to admit... the thought of dying overseas in very painful ways scares me. I always hoped that one day I would be able to die quietly in my sleep... and who knows, that still might await me. But I'm slowly accepting the idea that "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." If I do have a long life, I have so many more opportunities to serve Him and to share His love with others. If I die, I pray that it will be in a way that glorifies God, and if God is glorified through a painful death, it's okay with me.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Everything...
Wow... that's all I can really say at this point.
Less than five minutes after I posted my last blog, the guy I was talking about texted me and said he wanted to talk. Immediately I hit the panic mode. He didn't say what he wanted to talk about, but I kind of had an idea. So about 20 minutes before I met him, I started praying. I turned on some music and laid out on my floor and prayed as hard as I possibly could.
It's hard to tell exactly what happened next. Josh met me and we went to the side of my dorm and sat on the curb. He told me that he was sorry if he led me on, and that he just didn't have those kind of feelings for me. He said that he cared for me as a sister in Christ and as a friend, but he just didn't feel that way about me. I said that I understood, and that I was okay with still being friends. We parted ways, and I was great for a little while after that. But then the emotions just hit me all at once. I found Kendra in the library and told her what had happened. She looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I said yes, and I would probably cry about it later. And then she looked at me, and tears started coming up in her eyes (apparently I looked upset about it). Then I started crying, and we stood outside Spence for about 20 minutes just crying and talking.
It just hit me all at once that I am still alone. I mean, I'm not alone because God has surrounded me with wonderful friends, but there's a part of me that still longs for that kind of emotional "intimacy" that girls can only get with a guy. It's so hard when there's this desire for a relationship, but you realize that it's not the right time. When I was praying before I talked to him, God told me that He is still not my everything. There's a part of me that is still closed off to His advances and His desire for intimacy. I'm not sure what that part is, but He firmly let me know that until I give everything over to Him, I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship with another man.
There was a CD we listened to tonight in a prayer meeting I went to. It's from Graham Cooke, who did a sermon from God's point of view. In it, he says that God still hasn't loved us the way that He desires to love us, partly because we won't let Him. It hit me all of the sudden that I have closed off a part of myself to everyone around me, including God. I'm still afraid to reveal myself to Him. He can see it, but I think He wants me to realize that I'm holding back. I'm keeping something from Him, when all He wants is to be the greatest Lover that I could ever imagine. He knows me inside and out, and yet I refuse to allow Him to love me. There are barriers around my heart that I didn't even know existed. There are things that I am still wanting more than I'm wanting Him. And until His love and His romance becomes enough for me, I can't have that kind of relationship. As much as I want it, I can't have it.
I'm just burnt out on life right now. I take two steps forward and three steps backward. I keep having the same struggles that I thought I had beaten months ago. There's so much that I want that seems so contradictory. I want my Lord to be everything to me, but there are still other things that I feel that I want just as much. I feel emotionally and spiritually drained. Can there ever be peace?
I want to want Jesus. I want to want Him to pursue me. I want to want Him to break down every single barrier I've put up around my heart. I want to want Him to romance me. I want to want Him to pursue me. I long to be able to love Him like He deserves to be loved. I want Him to be my Everything, my All... how long can I stay here with these barriers up when He's knocking at my door?
~~~~~~~~~~
Find me here, speak to me,
I want to feel You, I need to hear You,
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... You're everything
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
You calm the storms, You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything...
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Less than five minutes after I posted my last blog, the guy I was talking about texted me and said he wanted to talk. Immediately I hit the panic mode. He didn't say what he wanted to talk about, but I kind of had an idea. So about 20 minutes before I met him, I started praying. I turned on some music and laid out on my floor and prayed as hard as I possibly could.
It's hard to tell exactly what happened next. Josh met me and we went to the side of my dorm and sat on the curb. He told me that he was sorry if he led me on, and that he just didn't have those kind of feelings for me. He said that he cared for me as a sister in Christ and as a friend, but he just didn't feel that way about me. I said that I understood, and that I was okay with still being friends. We parted ways, and I was great for a little while after that. But then the emotions just hit me all at once. I found Kendra in the library and told her what had happened. She looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I said yes, and I would probably cry about it later. And then she looked at me, and tears started coming up in her eyes (apparently I looked upset about it). Then I started crying, and we stood outside Spence for about 20 minutes just crying and talking.
It just hit me all at once that I am still alone. I mean, I'm not alone because God has surrounded me with wonderful friends, but there's a part of me that still longs for that kind of emotional "intimacy" that girls can only get with a guy. It's so hard when there's this desire for a relationship, but you realize that it's not the right time. When I was praying before I talked to him, God told me that He is still not my everything. There's a part of me that is still closed off to His advances and His desire for intimacy. I'm not sure what that part is, but He firmly let me know that until I give everything over to Him, I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship with another man.
There was a CD we listened to tonight in a prayer meeting I went to. It's from Graham Cooke, who did a sermon from God's point of view. In it, he says that God still hasn't loved us the way that He desires to love us, partly because we won't let Him. It hit me all of the sudden that I have closed off a part of myself to everyone around me, including God. I'm still afraid to reveal myself to Him. He can see it, but I think He wants me to realize that I'm holding back. I'm keeping something from Him, when all He wants is to be the greatest Lover that I could ever imagine. He knows me inside and out, and yet I refuse to allow Him to love me. There are barriers around my heart that I didn't even know existed. There are things that I am still wanting more than I'm wanting Him. And until His love and His romance becomes enough for me, I can't have that kind of relationship. As much as I want it, I can't have it.
I'm just burnt out on life right now. I take two steps forward and three steps backward. I keep having the same struggles that I thought I had beaten months ago. There's so much that I want that seems so contradictory. I want my Lord to be everything to me, but there are still other things that I feel that I want just as much. I feel emotionally and spiritually drained. Can there ever be peace?
I want to want Jesus. I want to want Him to pursue me. I want to want Him to break down every single barrier I've put up around my heart. I want to want Him to romance me. I want to want Him to pursue me. I long to be able to love Him like He deserves to be loved. I want Him to be my Everything, my All... how long can I stay here with these barriers up when He's knocking at my door?
~~~~~~~~~~
Find me here, speak to me,
I want to feel You, I need to hear You,
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... You're everything
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
You calm the storms, You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything...
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Wellspring of Life
Last time I blogged, I wrote a little bit about guarding my heart. To be perfectly honest, I still don't think that I do a very good job of it. See, I met this guy a few weeks ago... and he's a really nice guy. I think I could like him... actually I think I do like him. We've had some really cool conversations, and he seems like he's interested. I don't even know what he thinks about me, but I'm getting to that all-too-familiar place where I'm completely consumed with thinking about it and analyzing it and trying to read the signals. And I don't want to do that again at all. I've been there recently. I can't do it again.
After everything happened with Ben last month, I went to a women's prayer brunch here at DBU, and the whole premise was learning to pray God's Word. We all got different cards at our place settings, and the one that just happened to be at my place (where I just happened to randomly sit) said this:
"Help me, Lord, above all else to guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Please help me to recognize that the primary target of deception is my heart. In other words, I must be careful not to trust feeling and emotions on their own. I ask You, Lord, to knead the right kind of feeling into my heart. Proverbs 4:23."
Honestly, this is the first time I've looked at that card in several weeks. And I'm beginning to remember the signs that I'm in too deep. I want to hang out with him all the time. I think about him all the time. I over-analyze every single nuance of whatever he says to me.
I said before that guarding my heart meant making sure that Christ is my priority in life, and that knowing that His offer of grace and salvation is the greatest treasure that I could ever receive. I'm not saying that I think he's a temptation for me, something to get my attention away from God. But Satan can use even good things that God gives us to get our focus off of God and onto something else. And that's really what I'm struggling with now. Take last Thursday for example. I had an incredible opportunity to get my one true Focus back, and I spent the entire worship service wondering, "Where is he? Is he here?" How terrible is that?
I think I'm finally beginning to understand the concept of taking up my cross daily to follow Christ. This whole thing is becoming a daily struggle for me. It's so easy for my eyes to stray from Jesus and onto something or someone else. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but it seems like I have to consistently learn the same lesson over and over and over again.
Lately the line from Lifehouse's "Everything" has been playing around in my mind. "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? But You tell me how could it be any better than this? 'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything." How can I see the wonders of God's grace and want something more? Do I really take the cross that lightly? Do I really take that kind of grace for granted?
After everything happened with Ben last month, I went to a women's prayer brunch here at DBU, and the whole premise was learning to pray God's Word. We all got different cards at our place settings, and the one that just happened to be at my place (where I just happened to randomly sit) said this:
"Help me, Lord, above all else to guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Please help me to recognize that the primary target of deception is my heart. In other words, I must be careful not to trust feeling and emotions on their own. I ask You, Lord, to knead the right kind of feeling into my heart. Proverbs 4:23."
Honestly, this is the first time I've looked at that card in several weeks. And I'm beginning to remember the signs that I'm in too deep. I want to hang out with him all the time. I think about him all the time. I over-analyze every single nuance of whatever he says to me.
I said before that guarding my heart meant making sure that Christ is my priority in life, and that knowing that His offer of grace and salvation is the greatest treasure that I could ever receive. I'm not saying that I think he's a temptation for me, something to get my attention away from God. But Satan can use even good things that God gives us to get our focus off of God and onto something else. And that's really what I'm struggling with now. Take last Thursday for example. I had an incredible opportunity to get my one true Focus back, and I spent the entire worship service wondering, "Where is he? Is he here?" How terrible is that?
I think I'm finally beginning to understand the concept of taking up my cross daily to follow Christ. This whole thing is becoming a daily struggle for me. It's so easy for my eyes to stray from Jesus and onto something or someone else. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but it seems like I have to consistently learn the same lesson over and over and over again.
Lately the line from Lifehouse's "Everything" has been playing around in my mind. "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? But You tell me how could it be any better than this? 'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything." How can I see the wonders of God's grace and want something more? Do I really take the cross that lightly? Do I really take that kind of grace for granted?
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