As normal, protestant, evangelical Christians, we tend to sing the same Christmas carols every year. And as a normal, evangelical Christian raised in a Christian home, I have my set of favorite Christmas carols that I sing every year. The older I get, the more I look at the meaning behind these songs. After all, the birth of Christ is one of the most important doctrines in our belief system.
"Hark the Herald Angels Sing" has become one of those favorites over the last couple of years. Not because it's a catchy, beautiful tune, but because it is so doctrinally heavy. Think about the meaning behind these lyrics.
Hark the herald angels sing,
Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled.
The beauty behind the birth of Christ is that for the first time since the Garden of Eden, God reaches down to man to save him from his sins. It's the basic plan of salvation. Christ's purpose was to reconcile man to God, something that man couldn't do by himself.
Joyful all ye nations rise,
Join the triumph of the skies
With angelic hosts proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem
Christ came not for one nation, but for all nations. The prophets foretold that all nations would be blessed through this savior.
Christ by highest heaven adored,
Christ the everlasting Lord
Late in time behold Him come,
Offspring of a virgin's womb.
This baby born in a manger is the Lord of all the earth. John 1:1 says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." God's promise to David was that his descendants would reign on his throne for all eternity. The virgin birth is also one of the central doctrines of what we believe. Isaiah said, "Behold, the virgin will conceive and bear a son." Over and over again Scripture emphasizes this virgin birth, which preserved Christ's sinless nature.
Mild He lays His glory by,
Born that man no more may die,
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth.
Philippians says that Christ, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant. Can't you just picture it? Christ lays aside the crown in heaven, that he so richly deserves, to come down to this sinful world. His purpose was to die. Jesus said that He came so that we might have life, and have it to the fullness. John 3:16-17 says, "For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." Christ's purpose was to suffer and die so that we could experience eternal life.
Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace
Hail the Sun of righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings,
Risen with healing in His wings.
Jesus said that He is the Light of the world. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He said that Light has come into the world, chasing away the darkness of our sins. He is the Great Physician, providing physical healing and spiritual healing from the chains of sin.
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate Deity!
Pleased as man with men to dwell,
Jesus our Emmanuel!
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. This Word, the Word that was and is and is to come, wrapped himself in flesh and dwelt among us. Our "God with us." God himself, here. It's almost too wonderful to comprehend. People sometimes accuse God of being unconcerned about what goes on here on this planet. But God cared enough to become one of us. Just so he could die to save us.
I wonder how much we really understand about the personhood of this Baby in a manger. This was God, wrapped up in the tiniest of packages. He wasn't born in a palace like he deserved. He was born into poverty. He knew what it was like to be one of us. There was nothing about him to capture our attention. But the blood that pumped through this tiny heart would one day be poured out to save all mankind. The tiny fingers that grasped his mother's had fashioned the earth. The little eyes had seen the face of the Most High. His ears had heard the praises of a thousand angels. This little baby was the great Yahweh, the Great I AM.
This is not something that we should just think about at Christmas. In the words of Charles Dickens, this Baby born in Bethlehem does not live in men's hearts one day of the year but in all the days of the year. Don't think about this little baby just on Christmas. His sacrifice, his love, his wonder, should be present in our minds all year round. Maybe then, we would actually live like it.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Another year gone by...
Yesterday I officially stopped being a teenager. Twenty years ago yesterday, I joined this world (nearly 2 weeks late). It's weird... I feel like I'm getting so old. I mean, I know I'm not, but it's still a surreal feeling.
I was thinking about the past year when I was on the phone with Audrey at the end of my birthday. I can remember last year, when I turned nineteen. So much had already happened. I had just finished my first semester of college, I had started making new friends, and I was happy. Things changed dramatically as the year went on though. I transferred schools again. I fell pretty hard for a guy that broke my heart. I finally found some direction in my life. I made new friends and grew closer to old ones. I lost some friends, and gained some friends. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. And I learned a lot.
I learned a lot about the character of God in this year. It seems like all the hard things I've gone through, all the trials and tribulations that have happened to me, have revealed a part of the character of God. When I transferred schools, God showed me His undying faithfulness, and the promise that He would never leave me or forsake me was renewed again. When I went through the six month ordeal with Ben, God showed me that He is the Lover of my soul, my Pursuer, my Romancer. When I found out my dad would be leaving again to go overseas, God showed me that He is my Provider and my Father.
While this year has been unbelievably hard and emotional, I think I can look back on nineteen as a very good year. I've been blessed with so many close friends who challenge me to be better than I think I can be, who love me unconditionally, and who I can serve with gladness. I've just been blessed with life.
Here's to anticipating another rollercoaster year... so many ups and downs, but thank God I'm never alone.
I was thinking about the past year when I was on the phone with Audrey at the end of my birthday. I can remember last year, when I turned nineteen. So much had already happened. I had just finished my first semester of college, I had started making new friends, and I was happy. Things changed dramatically as the year went on though. I transferred schools again. I fell pretty hard for a guy that broke my heart. I finally found some direction in my life. I made new friends and grew closer to old ones. I lost some friends, and gained some friends. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. And I learned a lot.
I learned a lot about the character of God in this year. It seems like all the hard things I've gone through, all the trials and tribulations that have happened to me, have revealed a part of the character of God. When I transferred schools, God showed me His undying faithfulness, and the promise that He would never leave me or forsake me was renewed again. When I went through the six month ordeal with Ben, God showed me that He is the Lover of my soul, my Pursuer, my Romancer. When I found out my dad would be leaving again to go overseas, God showed me that He is my Provider and my Father.
While this year has been unbelievably hard and emotional, I think I can look back on nineteen as a very good year. I've been blessed with so many close friends who challenge me to be better than I think I can be, who love me unconditionally, and who I can serve with gladness. I've just been blessed with life.
Here's to anticipating another rollercoaster year... so many ups and downs, but thank God I'm never alone.
Monday, December 10, 2007
May all your Christmases be white
This really is the most wonderful time of the year. Lights everywhere (especially here at DBU), hot chocolate, gathering with family and friends, and in the case of Texas, winter drizzle blanketing the ground. But I think this time of year is wonderful for a different reason.
It's about a young girl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, engaged to be married to a carpenter, who gets a surprise visit from an angel with what would seem like bad news. He tells her that she's going to be impregnated by the Holy Spirit even though she's never been with a man, and this little baby is going to be the promised Messiah. Her life is going to change drastically. Because of the culture of the day, she is going to be vilified, outcast, scorned. Everyone around her thinks she couldn't wait. And, speaking as a woman, I know all these things ran circles around her mind. But she didn't freak out like the rest of us would. She simply said, "I am the Lord's servant. Let it be done to me just as you have said." Think about the implications of her acceptance of this fate. She would be branded an adulteress. Jesus might be branded, for lack of a more acceptable term, a bastard son. But she quietly and humbly accepted that this was God's will for her.
It's about a young man, whom the Bible calls "righteous." He's just a carpenter, a poor man, trying to scratch out a living for himself and his new wife. But all that falls apart when she turns up pregnant and says that the baby is from God. What's a guy supposed to think? So he makes the toughest decision of his life. He's going to divorce her, without causing her any public disgrace. (By the way, that's love.) With this in mind, one night he falls asleep, just like normal. But this night is anything but normal. An angel appears to him and tells him that it really is okay to take Mary as his wife. This child within her really was conceived by the Holy Spirit. And what's more, the angel tells her that this child will save His people from their sins. And this young man gets up and does exactly what the angel says. Talk about faith. Joseph was probably in training to be a rabbi, and yet he "throws" it all away. In taking Mary as his wife, he basically said that Jesus really was his son, and that they couldn't wait until the marriage ceremony. He would be just as ostricized as Mary. He gave up his dreams so that he could raise a little child that wasn't biologically his.
It's about another Father. This one could easily see the state of the world. His creation, drowning in their sins, desperately looking for someone to save them from themselves. This Father had lovingly fashioned them out of dirt, knowing that one day they would choose their own selfish desires over Him. And now, because He deemed these fallen creatures so special, He sent His own Son to become one of them.
It's about a baby, born perfect into a sinful world. This tiny baby was the ruler of the entire universe, sitting in glory and might in heaven, one with His Father. This little child had fashioned the world with His hands, had breathed life into humanity, had led the people of Israel out of Egypt. He was there in the beginning. He was with God, and He was God. And yet, because of His strange love for these murdering and conniving creatures, He laid aside the crown that He alone deserved, wrapped Himself in their flesh, and stepped down from His throne to be born into a world that would reject Him and His love. He was willing to make this sacrifice to save the most unworthy people from imminent death. All this, simply because He didn't want to be separated from them for all eternity.
This is why this season is so wonderful. Two thousand years ago, the world heaved and groaned with the expectation of a savior, a military ruler who would conquer the world and bring peace. But they missed His coming, because He came in the tiniest of packages, born into poverty instead of the palace He deserved, born strictly for the purpose of dying for an unworthy world, born to rejection and ridicule. Just as a man brought death into the world, a Man had to bring eternal life. This is why we celebrate this season: Faith in God's promise, hope in His providence, and sacrificial love that conquers even the darkest of sin.
It's about a young girl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, engaged to be married to a carpenter, who gets a surprise visit from an angel with what would seem like bad news. He tells her that she's going to be impregnated by the Holy Spirit even though she's never been with a man, and this little baby is going to be the promised Messiah. Her life is going to change drastically. Because of the culture of the day, she is going to be vilified, outcast, scorned. Everyone around her thinks she couldn't wait. And, speaking as a woman, I know all these things ran circles around her mind. But she didn't freak out like the rest of us would. She simply said, "I am the Lord's servant. Let it be done to me just as you have said." Think about the implications of her acceptance of this fate. She would be branded an adulteress. Jesus might be branded, for lack of a more acceptable term, a bastard son. But she quietly and humbly accepted that this was God's will for her.
It's about a young man, whom the Bible calls "righteous." He's just a carpenter, a poor man, trying to scratch out a living for himself and his new wife. But all that falls apart when she turns up pregnant and says that the baby is from God. What's a guy supposed to think? So he makes the toughest decision of his life. He's going to divorce her, without causing her any public disgrace. (By the way, that's love.) With this in mind, one night he falls asleep, just like normal. But this night is anything but normal. An angel appears to him and tells him that it really is okay to take Mary as his wife. This child within her really was conceived by the Holy Spirit. And what's more, the angel tells her that this child will save His people from their sins. And this young man gets up and does exactly what the angel says. Talk about faith. Joseph was probably in training to be a rabbi, and yet he "throws" it all away. In taking Mary as his wife, he basically said that Jesus really was his son, and that they couldn't wait until the marriage ceremony. He would be just as ostricized as Mary. He gave up his dreams so that he could raise a little child that wasn't biologically his.
It's about another Father. This one could easily see the state of the world. His creation, drowning in their sins, desperately looking for someone to save them from themselves. This Father had lovingly fashioned them out of dirt, knowing that one day they would choose their own selfish desires over Him. And now, because He deemed these fallen creatures so special, He sent His own Son to become one of them.
It's about a baby, born perfect into a sinful world. This tiny baby was the ruler of the entire universe, sitting in glory and might in heaven, one with His Father. This little child had fashioned the world with His hands, had breathed life into humanity, had led the people of Israel out of Egypt. He was there in the beginning. He was with God, and He was God. And yet, because of His strange love for these murdering and conniving creatures, He laid aside the crown that He alone deserved, wrapped Himself in their flesh, and stepped down from His throne to be born into a world that would reject Him and His love. He was willing to make this sacrifice to save the most unworthy people from imminent death. All this, simply because He didn't want to be separated from them for all eternity.
This is why this season is so wonderful. Two thousand years ago, the world heaved and groaned with the expectation of a savior, a military ruler who would conquer the world and bring peace. But they missed His coming, because He came in the tiniest of packages, born into poverty instead of the palace He deserved, born strictly for the purpose of dying for an unworthy world, born to rejection and ridicule. Just as a man brought death into the world, a Man had to bring eternal life. This is why we celebrate this season: Faith in God's promise, hope in His providence, and sacrificial love that conquers even the darkest of sin.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Enchanted
A couple of hours ago I went with my family to watch "Enchanted", the latest Disney fairy tale. It's a cute movie... a very cute movie. An evil queen of Andalasia banishes the beautiful maiden Giselle to the not-so-magical New York City to keep her from marrying the dashing Prince Edward. Giselle meets Robert, an uptight engaged divorce lawyer, and his charming daughter Morgan. In spite of Robert's reluctance, Giselle shows him that sometimes what we call reality isn't all it's cracked up to be, winning his daughter's heart with her optimism. Not exactly what you'd call a thought-provoking plot line. But something deserves a little bit of attention.
I'm not exactly what you'd call an optimist. The older I get, the less I look at the bright side of the world. I find it difficult to believe that two people who get a divorce or are on the way to a divorce will get back together. I see a homeless old man on the side of the road and immediately hold my purse tighter. I'm suspicious of everyone until I get to know them.
I gotta say, to not be suspicious of everyone would be a little naive. But I don't think it should really be this way. Throughout the movie, Robert constantly tells Giselle that fairy tales and true love are not reality. They're not rational. It's better to think through things like love and attraction instead of going with your gut. And I would agree with statements like that, especially in a world like ours.
Part of me doesn't want the world to be like this. I'm not naive, I know that things are the way that they are, and there's not much that's going to change that. But what would the world be like if we lived like that? If we showed kindness to strangers, if we kept a brighter outlook on life, if we weren't immediately suspicious of everyone that crosses our paths. I think that's why I like fairy tales so much. It gives me a break from the cruel realities of the power-driven world around me. I sure hope I don't outgrow this need for a brighter side to life.
Is that a bad thing?
I'm not exactly what you'd call an optimist. The older I get, the less I look at the bright side of the world. I find it difficult to believe that two people who get a divorce or are on the way to a divorce will get back together. I see a homeless old man on the side of the road and immediately hold my purse tighter. I'm suspicious of everyone until I get to know them.
I gotta say, to not be suspicious of everyone would be a little naive. But I don't think it should really be this way. Throughout the movie, Robert constantly tells Giselle that fairy tales and true love are not reality. They're not rational. It's better to think through things like love and attraction instead of going with your gut. And I would agree with statements like that, especially in a world like ours.
Part of me doesn't want the world to be like this. I'm not naive, I know that things are the way that they are, and there's not much that's going to change that. But what would the world be like if we lived like that? If we showed kindness to strangers, if we kept a brighter outlook on life, if we weren't immediately suspicious of everyone that crosses our paths. I think that's why I like fairy tales so much. It gives me a break from the cruel realities of the power-driven world around me. I sure hope I don't outgrow this need for a brighter side to life.
Is that a bad thing?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Premonition
Do you ever get those weird feelings like there's something that God's trying to tell you, but it's so off the wall you can't really tell if it's from God or not? I've had that for the past couple of weeks (and no, this is not about a boy, for once). And I have no clue where it's coming from...
I guess I should start from the beginning. I've known I was called to the mission field for about a year now. God grabbed a hold of me last year and showed me very plainly that He wanted me to be a missionary overseas (before you ask, no I don't know where I'm going).
For the past three weeks God has almost continually been reinforcing that call. It started with a chapel about three weeks ago, and they showed a video from The Voice of the Martyrs. This just happened to coincide with UMHB's Missions Emphasis Week. Robyn headed up the Persecution Simulation, and she told me some pretty intense stuff from that, about how about thirty people were "killed" for their faith, and a couple of people even denied Christ. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about persecution, and it keeps coming up. Last Sunday, a guest pastor at the church I've been going to talked about boldly proclaiming the Gospel. The speaker at chapel on Monday talked about ministering to the people around us, and about taking risks for the Good News. And then, today at church the youth pastor talked about understanding that to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
I'm not going to lie... most of this freaks me out a little. I've learned enough about God to know that when things keep coming up like this, there's generally a reason- there's no coincidences when it comes to stuff like this. But I honestly don't know what He's trying to tell me.
I've come to a place now where I know that I'm a soft Christian. My faith has never been tested with someone telling me that I'm absolutely wrong. I've definitely never been told that if I don't deny my Lord someone's going to kill me. I can't help but wonder... if I'm placed in that situation, am I going to deny Jesus? Will I be able to stand up in the face of death and say, "Yes, I believe in Christ, and I don't care what you do to me"? The girls that denied Christ in that persecution simulation probably never thought that they would react that way.
But something else I've come to realize as I was talking to my mom about all of this... The God that we serve is truly a God of grace. If we do deny Christ, we don't lose our salvation. Peter denied Jesus three times, and he went on to establish the church in Rome and eventually be martyred for his faith. Every one of the disciples ran away when Jesus needed them most, and all but one were martyred for their faith. William Tyndale (if I remember right) denied that he was printing Bibles during Bloody Mary's reign, and eventually he was martyred. History is full of examples of second chances.
I have to admit... the thought of dying overseas in very painful ways scares me. I always hoped that one day I would be able to die quietly in my sleep... and who knows, that still might await me. But I'm slowly accepting the idea that "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." If I do have a long life, I have so many more opportunities to serve Him and to share His love with others. If I die, I pray that it will be in a way that glorifies God, and if God is glorified through a painful death, it's okay with me.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I've known I was called to the mission field for about a year now. God grabbed a hold of me last year and showed me very plainly that He wanted me to be a missionary overseas (before you ask, no I don't know where I'm going).
For the past three weeks God has almost continually been reinforcing that call. It started with a chapel about three weeks ago, and they showed a video from The Voice of the Martyrs. This just happened to coincide with UMHB's Missions Emphasis Week. Robyn headed up the Persecution Simulation, and she told me some pretty intense stuff from that, about how about thirty people were "killed" for their faith, and a couple of people even denied Christ. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about persecution, and it keeps coming up. Last Sunday, a guest pastor at the church I've been going to talked about boldly proclaiming the Gospel. The speaker at chapel on Monday talked about ministering to the people around us, and about taking risks for the Good News. And then, today at church the youth pastor talked about understanding that to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
I'm not going to lie... most of this freaks me out a little. I've learned enough about God to know that when things keep coming up like this, there's generally a reason- there's no coincidences when it comes to stuff like this. But I honestly don't know what He's trying to tell me.
I've come to a place now where I know that I'm a soft Christian. My faith has never been tested with someone telling me that I'm absolutely wrong. I've definitely never been told that if I don't deny my Lord someone's going to kill me. I can't help but wonder... if I'm placed in that situation, am I going to deny Jesus? Will I be able to stand up in the face of death and say, "Yes, I believe in Christ, and I don't care what you do to me"? The girls that denied Christ in that persecution simulation probably never thought that they would react that way.
But something else I've come to realize as I was talking to my mom about all of this... The God that we serve is truly a God of grace. If we do deny Christ, we don't lose our salvation. Peter denied Jesus three times, and he went on to establish the church in Rome and eventually be martyred for his faith. Every one of the disciples ran away when Jesus needed them most, and all but one were martyred for their faith. William Tyndale (if I remember right) denied that he was printing Bibles during Bloody Mary's reign, and eventually he was martyred. History is full of examples of second chances.
I have to admit... the thought of dying overseas in very painful ways scares me. I always hoped that one day I would be able to die quietly in my sleep... and who knows, that still might await me. But I'm slowly accepting the idea that "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." If I do have a long life, I have so many more opportunities to serve Him and to share His love with others. If I die, I pray that it will be in a way that glorifies God, and if God is glorified through a painful death, it's okay with me.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Everything...
Wow... that's all I can really say at this point.
Less than five minutes after I posted my last blog, the guy I was talking about texted me and said he wanted to talk. Immediately I hit the panic mode. He didn't say what he wanted to talk about, but I kind of had an idea. So about 20 minutes before I met him, I started praying. I turned on some music and laid out on my floor and prayed as hard as I possibly could.
It's hard to tell exactly what happened next. Josh met me and we went to the side of my dorm and sat on the curb. He told me that he was sorry if he led me on, and that he just didn't have those kind of feelings for me. He said that he cared for me as a sister in Christ and as a friend, but he just didn't feel that way about me. I said that I understood, and that I was okay with still being friends. We parted ways, and I was great for a little while after that. But then the emotions just hit me all at once. I found Kendra in the library and told her what had happened. She looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I said yes, and I would probably cry about it later. And then she looked at me, and tears started coming up in her eyes (apparently I looked upset about it). Then I started crying, and we stood outside Spence for about 20 minutes just crying and talking.
It just hit me all at once that I am still alone. I mean, I'm not alone because God has surrounded me with wonderful friends, but there's a part of me that still longs for that kind of emotional "intimacy" that girls can only get with a guy. It's so hard when there's this desire for a relationship, but you realize that it's not the right time. When I was praying before I talked to him, God told me that He is still not my everything. There's a part of me that is still closed off to His advances and His desire for intimacy. I'm not sure what that part is, but He firmly let me know that until I give everything over to Him, I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship with another man.
There was a CD we listened to tonight in a prayer meeting I went to. It's from Graham Cooke, who did a sermon from God's point of view. In it, he says that God still hasn't loved us the way that He desires to love us, partly because we won't let Him. It hit me all of the sudden that I have closed off a part of myself to everyone around me, including God. I'm still afraid to reveal myself to Him. He can see it, but I think He wants me to realize that I'm holding back. I'm keeping something from Him, when all He wants is to be the greatest Lover that I could ever imagine. He knows me inside and out, and yet I refuse to allow Him to love me. There are barriers around my heart that I didn't even know existed. There are things that I am still wanting more than I'm wanting Him. And until His love and His romance becomes enough for me, I can't have that kind of relationship. As much as I want it, I can't have it.
I'm just burnt out on life right now. I take two steps forward and three steps backward. I keep having the same struggles that I thought I had beaten months ago. There's so much that I want that seems so contradictory. I want my Lord to be everything to me, but there are still other things that I feel that I want just as much. I feel emotionally and spiritually drained. Can there ever be peace?
I want to want Jesus. I want to want Him to pursue me. I want to want Him to break down every single barrier I've put up around my heart. I want to want Him to romance me. I want to want Him to pursue me. I long to be able to love Him like He deserves to be loved. I want Him to be my Everything, my All... how long can I stay here with these barriers up when He's knocking at my door?
~~~~~~~~~~
Find me here, speak to me,
I want to feel You, I need to hear You,
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... You're everything
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
You calm the storms, You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything...
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Less than five minutes after I posted my last blog, the guy I was talking about texted me and said he wanted to talk. Immediately I hit the panic mode. He didn't say what he wanted to talk about, but I kind of had an idea. So about 20 minutes before I met him, I started praying. I turned on some music and laid out on my floor and prayed as hard as I possibly could.
It's hard to tell exactly what happened next. Josh met me and we went to the side of my dorm and sat on the curb. He told me that he was sorry if he led me on, and that he just didn't have those kind of feelings for me. He said that he cared for me as a sister in Christ and as a friend, but he just didn't feel that way about me. I said that I understood, and that I was okay with still being friends. We parted ways, and I was great for a little while after that. But then the emotions just hit me all at once. I found Kendra in the library and told her what had happened. She looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I said yes, and I would probably cry about it later. And then she looked at me, and tears started coming up in her eyes (apparently I looked upset about it). Then I started crying, and we stood outside Spence for about 20 minutes just crying and talking.
It just hit me all at once that I am still alone. I mean, I'm not alone because God has surrounded me with wonderful friends, but there's a part of me that still longs for that kind of emotional "intimacy" that girls can only get with a guy. It's so hard when there's this desire for a relationship, but you realize that it's not the right time. When I was praying before I talked to him, God told me that He is still not my everything. There's a part of me that is still closed off to His advances and His desire for intimacy. I'm not sure what that part is, but He firmly let me know that until I give everything over to Him, I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship with another man.
There was a CD we listened to tonight in a prayer meeting I went to. It's from Graham Cooke, who did a sermon from God's point of view. In it, he says that God still hasn't loved us the way that He desires to love us, partly because we won't let Him. It hit me all of the sudden that I have closed off a part of myself to everyone around me, including God. I'm still afraid to reveal myself to Him. He can see it, but I think He wants me to realize that I'm holding back. I'm keeping something from Him, when all He wants is to be the greatest Lover that I could ever imagine. He knows me inside and out, and yet I refuse to allow Him to love me. There are barriers around my heart that I didn't even know existed. There are things that I am still wanting more than I'm wanting Him. And until His love and His romance becomes enough for me, I can't have that kind of relationship. As much as I want it, I can't have it.
I'm just burnt out on life right now. I take two steps forward and three steps backward. I keep having the same struggles that I thought I had beaten months ago. There's so much that I want that seems so contradictory. I want my Lord to be everything to me, but there are still other things that I feel that I want just as much. I feel emotionally and spiritually drained. Can there ever be peace?
I want to want Jesus. I want to want Him to pursue me. I want to want Him to break down every single barrier I've put up around my heart. I want to want Him to romance me. I want to want Him to pursue me. I long to be able to love Him like He deserves to be loved. I want Him to be my Everything, my All... how long can I stay here with these barriers up when He's knocking at my door?
~~~~~~~~~~
Find me here, speak to me,
I want to feel You, I need to hear You,
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... You're everything
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
You calm the storms, You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything...
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Wellspring of Life
Last time I blogged, I wrote a little bit about guarding my heart. To be perfectly honest, I still don't think that I do a very good job of it. See, I met this guy a few weeks ago... and he's a really nice guy. I think I could like him... actually I think I do like him. We've had some really cool conversations, and he seems like he's interested. I don't even know what he thinks about me, but I'm getting to that all-too-familiar place where I'm completely consumed with thinking about it and analyzing it and trying to read the signals. And I don't want to do that again at all. I've been there recently. I can't do it again.
After everything happened with Ben last month, I went to a women's prayer brunch here at DBU, and the whole premise was learning to pray God's Word. We all got different cards at our place settings, and the one that just happened to be at my place (where I just happened to randomly sit) said this:
"Help me, Lord, above all else to guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Please help me to recognize that the primary target of deception is my heart. In other words, I must be careful not to trust feeling and emotions on their own. I ask You, Lord, to knead the right kind of feeling into my heart. Proverbs 4:23."
Honestly, this is the first time I've looked at that card in several weeks. And I'm beginning to remember the signs that I'm in too deep. I want to hang out with him all the time. I think about him all the time. I over-analyze every single nuance of whatever he says to me.
I said before that guarding my heart meant making sure that Christ is my priority in life, and that knowing that His offer of grace and salvation is the greatest treasure that I could ever receive. I'm not saying that I think he's a temptation for me, something to get my attention away from God. But Satan can use even good things that God gives us to get our focus off of God and onto something else. And that's really what I'm struggling with now. Take last Thursday for example. I had an incredible opportunity to get my one true Focus back, and I spent the entire worship service wondering, "Where is he? Is he here?" How terrible is that?
I think I'm finally beginning to understand the concept of taking up my cross daily to follow Christ. This whole thing is becoming a daily struggle for me. It's so easy for my eyes to stray from Jesus and onto something or someone else. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but it seems like I have to consistently learn the same lesson over and over and over again.
Lately the line from Lifehouse's "Everything" has been playing around in my mind. "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? But You tell me how could it be any better than this? 'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything." How can I see the wonders of God's grace and want something more? Do I really take the cross that lightly? Do I really take that kind of grace for granted?
After everything happened with Ben last month, I went to a women's prayer brunch here at DBU, and the whole premise was learning to pray God's Word. We all got different cards at our place settings, and the one that just happened to be at my place (where I just happened to randomly sit) said this:
"Help me, Lord, above all else to guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Please help me to recognize that the primary target of deception is my heart. In other words, I must be careful not to trust feeling and emotions on their own. I ask You, Lord, to knead the right kind of feeling into my heart. Proverbs 4:23."
Honestly, this is the first time I've looked at that card in several weeks. And I'm beginning to remember the signs that I'm in too deep. I want to hang out with him all the time. I think about him all the time. I over-analyze every single nuance of whatever he says to me.
I said before that guarding my heart meant making sure that Christ is my priority in life, and that knowing that His offer of grace and salvation is the greatest treasure that I could ever receive. I'm not saying that I think he's a temptation for me, something to get my attention away from God. But Satan can use even good things that God gives us to get our focus off of God and onto something else. And that's really what I'm struggling with now. Take last Thursday for example. I had an incredible opportunity to get my one true Focus back, and I spent the entire worship service wondering, "Where is he? Is he here?" How terrible is that?
I think I'm finally beginning to understand the concept of taking up my cross daily to follow Christ. This whole thing is becoming a daily struggle for me. It's so easy for my eyes to stray from Jesus and onto something or someone else. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but it seems like I have to consistently learn the same lesson over and over and over again.
Lately the line from Lifehouse's "Everything" has been playing around in my mind. "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? But You tell me how could it be any better than this? 'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything." How can I see the wonders of God's grace and want something more? Do I really take the cross that lightly? Do I really take that kind of grace for granted?
Friday, October 26, 2007
My Life Be Like...
brokenness. That is the one word that sums up my life right now. Brokenness for the things of Christ. My heart is broken. My life is broken. Everything is just... in pieces. But the amazing thing is, I can feel God slowly putting everything back together. It's an awesome feeling.
I guess I ought to start at the beginning. The best way to say what happened last week is that I caved. I caved into my desires for companionship and to have someone. I decided to call Ben last week and tell him that I wanted a second try at our relationship. After a couple of days, I felt this weird sense of uneasiness in my soul. It was like this knot formed in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about a relationship with him, with anybody actually. And I knew what it was about. So I mentioned it to my mom in passing. She gave me a funny look, shook her head, and said, "Nope. Friends is great, but not a relationship." Since I trust my mom very much, it got me listening more to the voice of the Lord. And I could tell that He wanted me to wait for His timing.
After that, I started praying for God to just break me. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His wisdom and guidance. I wanted to be broken. And break me, He did. It was one of the most awesome and painful feelings I've ever experienced. I went to a couple of worship services the next day, and everything was what I needed to hear. I needed to know that He was calling me back with open arms, and both worship services I went to talked about just that. Finally, I broke down and just started sobbing. And it felt wonderful to finally be able to pour all those emotions out to the Lord. I think for the first time in a long time, I realized that God was calling me with all the grace in His heart, letting me know that His love and mercy are sufficient.
Spiritual Rush was the same experience. The first night, Bo Hughes talked about letting the Gospel sink from our heads to our hearts, and about placing Christ as the priority in our lives. The Gospel says that Christ's sacrifice and salvation are all we need. So I started thinking. Do I really look for justification as a human being in something other than the cross? Was what I wanted with Ben really what God wanted, or was it me desiring something other than Christ to fill a void in my heart? And when I was thinking about this, I realized that I really did care more about Ben than about the things of God, and I was placing his offer of emotional and physical security higher than God's offer of grace and peace. Red flags went up everywhere. I knew God was letting me know that I needed to cut it off right then. So I called him that night and told him that a relationship would work, not now, not ever. I told him that Jesus needed to be first in my life, and He wasn't when I was thinking about him. And the most amazing thing is, as soon as I got off the phone with him, I knew I had done the right thing by closing that door once and for all.
After I talked to him the first time, I was talking to Libby about it, and the first thing she said to me was, "Guard your heart." I now know what guarding your heart looks like, mostly because I didn't do such a good job of it last week. It is making Christ priority in your life. It is knowing that things like relationships are good things and are from God, but understanding that He orchestrates all things, and nothing in this world can ever measure up to His ultimate offer of love and salvation. His salvation is sufficient for me. If God called me to a life of singleness, I need to understand that it's okay, because a life with Christ is all I will ever really need.
It's a pretty amazing concept, I think. What's even more amazing is that God is showing me day by day that I'm really not alone in my struggles. I wasn't alone before, but now He's brought along some really great girls that are going through the same battles against loneliness and security that I am. Kendra (the RA on the third floor) and I had a long talk about all of that the other night, and then again last night at worship night. We're both struggling with desires for a relationship, and we're both slowly and painfully coming the realization that God is sufficient for us.
This verse from Philippians has been popping up a lot in the last couple of days. We talked about it at Spiritual Rush and then again at THREAD last night:
I guess I ought to start at the beginning. The best way to say what happened last week is that I caved. I caved into my desires for companionship and to have someone. I decided to call Ben last week and tell him that I wanted a second try at our relationship. After a couple of days, I felt this weird sense of uneasiness in my soul. It was like this knot formed in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about a relationship with him, with anybody actually. And I knew what it was about. So I mentioned it to my mom in passing. She gave me a funny look, shook her head, and said, "Nope. Friends is great, but not a relationship." Since I trust my mom very much, it got me listening more to the voice of the Lord. And I could tell that He wanted me to wait for His timing.
After that, I started praying for God to just break me. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His wisdom and guidance. I wanted to be broken. And break me, He did. It was one of the most awesome and painful feelings I've ever experienced. I went to a couple of worship services the next day, and everything was what I needed to hear. I needed to know that He was calling me back with open arms, and both worship services I went to talked about just that. Finally, I broke down and just started sobbing. And it felt wonderful to finally be able to pour all those emotions out to the Lord. I think for the first time in a long time, I realized that God was calling me with all the grace in His heart, letting me know that His love and mercy are sufficient.
Spiritual Rush was the same experience. The first night, Bo Hughes talked about letting the Gospel sink from our heads to our hearts, and about placing Christ as the priority in our lives. The Gospel says that Christ's sacrifice and salvation are all we need. So I started thinking. Do I really look for justification as a human being in something other than the cross? Was what I wanted with Ben really what God wanted, or was it me desiring something other than Christ to fill a void in my heart? And when I was thinking about this, I realized that I really did care more about Ben than about the things of God, and I was placing his offer of emotional and physical security higher than God's offer of grace and peace. Red flags went up everywhere. I knew God was letting me know that I needed to cut it off right then. So I called him that night and told him that a relationship would work, not now, not ever. I told him that Jesus needed to be first in my life, and He wasn't when I was thinking about him. And the most amazing thing is, as soon as I got off the phone with him, I knew I had done the right thing by closing that door once and for all.
After I talked to him the first time, I was talking to Libby about it, and the first thing she said to me was, "Guard your heart." I now know what guarding your heart looks like, mostly because I didn't do such a good job of it last week. It is making Christ priority in your life. It is knowing that things like relationships are good things and are from God, but understanding that He orchestrates all things, and nothing in this world can ever measure up to His ultimate offer of love and salvation. His salvation is sufficient for me. If God called me to a life of singleness, I need to understand that it's okay, because a life with Christ is all I will ever really need.
It's a pretty amazing concept, I think. What's even more amazing is that God is showing me day by day that I'm really not alone in my struggles. I wasn't alone before, but now He's brought along some really great girls that are going through the same battles against loneliness and security that I am. Kendra (the RA on the third floor) and I had a long talk about all of that the other night, and then again last night at worship night. We're both struggling with desires for a relationship, and we're both slowly and painfully coming the realization that God is sufficient for us.
This verse from Philippians has been popping up a lot in the last couple of days. We talked about it at Spiritual Rush and then again at THREAD last night:
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I CONSIDER THEM RUBBISH, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His suffering, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection of the dead."
So in the words of Derek Webb, I repent. I repent of seeking other things to satisfy me. I repent of consistently holding onto my own desires. I repent of always looking to control my own life and my own timing. I repent of letting my heart become an open book. I repent of not keeping Christ the center of my life. And in repenting, one of the most amazing discoveries I've made lately is that the Gospel of grace says, "Okay. As far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your transgressions from you." How awesome is that? I'm part of the "tilted halo gang", those of us that have sincerely messed up but can still stand before the Lord because they are washed in the blood of the Lamb. It's a pretty amazing realization.
"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who hear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Monday, September 17, 2007
Clarity
Well. I never actually thought I'd say what I'm about to say, especially not after this weekend. But here goes... you Crusaders have to promise you're not gonna be mad at me after this.
This weekend I went down to UMHB for the first time this semester to see my friends that I was missing terribly. Don't get me wrong... I had a wonderful time down there. I got to go to a Crusader football game and got to have wonderful conversations with dear friends. But there had been a nagging feeling in the back of my brain for a long time that perhaps I needed to be back in Belton for school. I have amazing, godly friends down there that I adore, and I had learned a lot about myself there. This weekend was confirmation of the most novel concept in the world.
As I drove into Belton, everything looked so incredibly familiar. Not hard, since Belton really isn't that big of a town. I met Kelsy for dinner at our date place (Luigi's), and we got caught up on each other's lives over a hot plate of manicotti and chicken parmigiana. A lot had been happening in both of our lives, so it was great to both listen to her and talk to her. Then the time came for me to drive onto campus to see Audrey, who was on duty that night. I didn't know how I would feel, how the campus would look, whether I would see people I know... all of this was completely up in the air. As I drove up, the familiar lights of campus gleamed at me from the bridge over University Street, and I felt like I was going home. Except, it wasn't home. But I'll get to that later.
Audrey and I had a blast that night, hanging out and talking and meeting new faces. The next day, I went to the football game (Go Cru!) with Glynis and got to talk with her and be with her during an extremely difficult period in her life. And of course, I got to see Geoff and Katie and Josh and Brittany and Rhiannon and meet plenty of other new people. Once again, it was the strange familiar feeling, but it still didn't feel right. That night was great, with dinner and catching up with old friends, and then seeing Asa, Todd, Trav and Jenn was just like old times, with all the craziness that goes on in that house. It was so much fun... but it wasn't right.
The next day, I went to the Vista, that wonderful church that challenged me last year and taught me more about myself than I could ever dream. I saw more old friends and gave out lots of amazing hugs. Worship started, and I found myself once again before the throne of God. But while I was worshiping, I felt this utter confusion come over me. Kelsy had told me earlier that it just seemed so natural for me to be there in Belton, and it seemed natural to me too. But, it didn't feel right. I wanted with all of my heart to be there with those amazing people, but God was telling me "No, I want you at DBU." I sat there and asked, "Are you sure, Lord? But what about the fun I've had this weekend?" All He told me was "I want you where you are."
Let me tell you, it was the crappiest feeling in the world. I literally broke down and started sobbing. I wanted to be there, but walking around campus felt so foreign to me, like I was a stranger there again, like I didn't belong there. Which totally went against what I had been telling myself since the beginning of the school year. So that afternoon I said goodbye to Audrey and Bryn, packed up my stuff, and pulled away from the home I had once known. And it was the most natural feeling in the world. What made it even weirder was the peace I got as I saw the clock tower of the Mahler Center in the distance when I exited the highway. It was this overwhelming sensation that I was truly, completely home. It was the most natural feeling to walk from my car to my dorm, and it made me feel almost... happy, I guess you could say.
It's strange, but UMHB has gradually become the home where I don't belong. I miss it, and the people there, but I thought about living in the dorms there and going to class there, and it all seems so surreal. Being here is just... well, natural.
How the heck did all of this happen? When did I get like this? When did God reveal this to me? I honestly have no answers. But this I do know... I am more sure now than ever that this is where I truly belong. I talked it over with Libby (my RD) tonight, and I feel like I have such clarity now. God gave me the friends that I have in Belton for a reason, because we all are going through such similar stuff in our lives. But God brought me here to DBU to teach me something and to prepare me for something big that He has in store for me. I don't know what that is, but I have a feeling it's coming soon. But you know... the skies have never been clearer and my road has never been straighter than it is right now. All because of a little trip I took to my former home. I'll always miss it, but I'm home now. Right where I belong.
This weekend I went down to UMHB for the first time this semester to see my friends that I was missing terribly. Don't get me wrong... I had a wonderful time down there. I got to go to a Crusader football game and got to have wonderful conversations with dear friends. But there had been a nagging feeling in the back of my brain for a long time that perhaps I needed to be back in Belton for school. I have amazing, godly friends down there that I adore, and I had learned a lot about myself there. This weekend was confirmation of the most novel concept in the world.
As I drove into Belton, everything looked so incredibly familiar. Not hard, since Belton really isn't that big of a town. I met Kelsy for dinner at our date place (Luigi's), and we got caught up on each other's lives over a hot plate of manicotti and chicken parmigiana. A lot had been happening in both of our lives, so it was great to both listen to her and talk to her. Then the time came for me to drive onto campus to see Audrey, who was on duty that night. I didn't know how I would feel, how the campus would look, whether I would see people I know... all of this was completely up in the air. As I drove up, the familiar lights of campus gleamed at me from the bridge over University Street, and I felt like I was going home. Except, it wasn't home. But I'll get to that later.
Audrey and I had a blast that night, hanging out and talking and meeting new faces. The next day, I went to the football game (Go Cru!) with Glynis and got to talk with her and be with her during an extremely difficult period in her life. And of course, I got to see Geoff and Katie and Josh and Brittany and Rhiannon and meet plenty of other new people. Once again, it was the strange familiar feeling, but it still didn't feel right. That night was great, with dinner and catching up with old friends, and then seeing Asa, Todd, Trav and Jenn was just like old times, with all the craziness that goes on in that house. It was so much fun... but it wasn't right.
The next day, I went to the Vista, that wonderful church that challenged me last year and taught me more about myself than I could ever dream. I saw more old friends and gave out lots of amazing hugs. Worship started, and I found myself once again before the throne of God. But while I was worshiping, I felt this utter confusion come over me. Kelsy had told me earlier that it just seemed so natural for me to be there in Belton, and it seemed natural to me too. But, it didn't feel right. I wanted with all of my heart to be there with those amazing people, but God was telling me "No, I want you at DBU." I sat there and asked, "Are you sure, Lord? But what about the fun I've had this weekend?" All He told me was "I want you where you are."
Let me tell you, it was the crappiest feeling in the world. I literally broke down and started sobbing. I wanted to be there, but walking around campus felt so foreign to me, like I was a stranger there again, like I didn't belong there. Which totally went against what I had been telling myself since the beginning of the school year. So that afternoon I said goodbye to Audrey and Bryn, packed up my stuff, and pulled away from the home I had once known. And it was the most natural feeling in the world. What made it even weirder was the peace I got as I saw the clock tower of the Mahler Center in the distance when I exited the highway. It was this overwhelming sensation that I was truly, completely home. It was the most natural feeling to walk from my car to my dorm, and it made me feel almost... happy, I guess you could say.
It's strange, but UMHB has gradually become the home where I don't belong. I miss it, and the people there, but I thought about living in the dorms there and going to class there, and it all seems so surreal. Being here is just... well, natural.
How the heck did all of this happen? When did I get like this? When did God reveal this to me? I honestly have no answers. But this I do know... I am more sure now than ever that this is where I truly belong. I talked it over with Libby (my RD) tonight, and I feel like I have such clarity now. God gave me the friends that I have in Belton for a reason, because we all are going through such similar stuff in our lives. But God brought me here to DBU to teach me something and to prepare me for something big that He has in store for me. I don't know what that is, but I have a feeling it's coming soon. But you know... the skies have never been clearer and my road has never been straighter than it is right now. All because of a little trip I took to my former home. I'll always miss it, but I'm home now. Right where I belong.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
My Eyes Have Seen Holy
So. The promised blog about FOCUS. My only problem with this is that I have absolutely no idea how to put what I learned into complete, comprehensive phrases. So please... forgive my inadequate description of an amazing, God-revealing experience.
I didn't know what God was going to say to me this year. Last year was one of those life-defining moments, and in a way I went in with some great expectations for this year. Part of my reason for going was also to see some people that I hadn't seen in a long time, which I admit was totally selfish, but somehow God uses my selfishness to still teach me something.
The biggest thing that I learned is, again, something so ridiculously simple that I felt like a complete idiot when it finally sunk in. The past couple of years have not been easy in regards to my spiritual walk with Christ. When I was a sophomore in high school, my family moved churches to a place that was... well, leaning toward the side of legalism. My youth pastor often told us, in not so many words, that to be a good Christian you have to read the Bible, read theological books, pray every day, show up to church every time the door is open, not listen to secular music, and not watch R-rated movies. Everything was about being a good Baptist, something that drove me nuts. We couldn't ask questions during the lesson, because for some reason it disrupted the ritual of it all. We got guilt trips every time we didn't show up for a youth trip. Somehow, it settled in my head that if I didn't do these things, I wasn't a good Christian. So I never tried, because I struggled with them so much. Fortunately I had learned enough about the love of God when I was younger I knew that most of what I was being taught was wrong.
So with all of that rolling around in my head, I walked into a breakout session on personal spiritual discipline, the thing that I have struggled with the most in my Christian walk. We got into a discussion on legalism because when someone is following the spiritual disciplines, Satan's number one method of attack is to turn them into a legalist. He said something so simple, yet so profound, I was completely forward. "There is nothing that you have to do to increase in standing with God." How incredible is that?! Coming from my kind of background, could you see how groundbreaking that is? I don't have to read my Bible, I don't have to go to church. I do those things because I want to grow in my walk with Christ and in fellowship with other people that believe what I believe. But there is absolutely nothing I have to do to make God love me more, because He already loved me enough to die for me.
You know, it's difficult coming from that kind of background and attempting to get out of that mindset. Ever since that particular breakout, my walk with Christ has been stronger, and maybe a little less obvious than it was last year. If there's anything that I've learned through Focus, my life is for the glory and by the grace of God. I feel like I was directly before the throne of God during that particular moment, and even afterward.
The thing that I have been trying to wrap my mind around lately is just how holy God is. This doesn't really have much to do with FOCUS, but it's something that has been going through my mind lately. Everything that God does is for His glory. It seems strangely selfish to us, as if God has something to gain from having us worship Him. But it really is for our benefit. To recognize the glory of God is to recognize the sinfulness of me and to comprehend the measures of His grace, that He would adopt me as His daughter. To understand what Christ gave up is to understand a little better what kind of sacrifice He made, so that I can come before the throne of God completely sinful but covered in His righteousness. Just a thought.
Well, I plan on posting something later about my trip to Belton this weekend, but currently I have to get back to writing a paper for my Spanish class. It's hard to write something in Spanish...
I didn't know what God was going to say to me this year. Last year was one of those life-defining moments, and in a way I went in with some great expectations for this year. Part of my reason for going was also to see some people that I hadn't seen in a long time, which I admit was totally selfish, but somehow God uses my selfishness to still teach me something.
The biggest thing that I learned is, again, something so ridiculously simple that I felt like a complete idiot when it finally sunk in. The past couple of years have not been easy in regards to my spiritual walk with Christ. When I was a sophomore in high school, my family moved churches to a place that was... well, leaning toward the side of legalism. My youth pastor often told us, in not so many words, that to be a good Christian you have to read the Bible, read theological books, pray every day, show up to church every time the door is open, not listen to secular music, and not watch R-rated movies. Everything was about being a good Baptist, something that drove me nuts. We couldn't ask questions during the lesson, because for some reason it disrupted the ritual of it all. We got guilt trips every time we didn't show up for a youth trip. Somehow, it settled in my head that if I didn't do these things, I wasn't a good Christian. So I never tried, because I struggled with them so much. Fortunately I had learned enough about the love of God when I was younger I knew that most of what I was being taught was wrong.
So with all of that rolling around in my head, I walked into a breakout session on personal spiritual discipline, the thing that I have struggled with the most in my Christian walk. We got into a discussion on legalism because when someone is following the spiritual disciplines, Satan's number one method of attack is to turn them into a legalist. He said something so simple, yet so profound, I was completely forward. "There is nothing that you have to do to increase in standing with God." How incredible is that?! Coming from my kind of background, could you see how groundbreaking that is? I don't have to read my Bible, I don't have to go to church. I do those things because I want to grow in my walk with Christ and in fellowship with other people that believe what I believe. But there is absolutely nothing I have to do to make God love me more, because He already loved me enough to die for me.
You know, it's difficult coming from that kind of background and attempting to get out of that mindset. Ever since that particular breakout, my walk with Christ has been stronger, and maybe a little less obvious than it was last year. If there's anything that I've learned through Focus, my life is for the glory and by the grace of God. I feel like I was directly before the throne of God during that particular moment, and even afterward.
The thing that I have been trying to wrap my mind around lately is just how holy God is. This doesn't really have much to do with FOCUS, but it's something that has been going through my mind lately. Everything that God does is for His glory. It seems strangely selfish to us, as if God has something to gain from having us worship Him. But it really is for our benefit. To recognize the glory of God is to recognize the sinfulness of me and to comprehend the measures of His grace, that He would adopt me as His daughter. To understand what Christ gave up is to understand a little better what kind of sacrifice He made, so that I can come before the throne of God completely sinful but covered in His righteousness. Just a thought.
Well, I plan on posting something later about my trip to Belton this weekend, but currently I have to get back to writing a paper for my Spanish class. It's hard to write something in Spanish...
Friday, September 7, 2007
Focus
So I'm about 10 minutes away from leaving for my second Focus of my college career. It's almost sad. I remember what it was like last year, and how I came away from it with lifelong friends. I'm hoping it will be like that again this year, especially with a new school and people I don't know. I'm looking forward to what God has to say to me this year.
Well, if I don't go now, I'm going to be late, and therefore be left. Details to come next week! I promise... and I always keep my promises. For the most part.
Well, if I don't go now, I'm going to be late, and therefore be left. Details to come next week! I promise... and I always keep my promises. For the most part.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Holy smokes, I see it now...
I had the coolest epiphany today. It was one of those light-bulb moments where all you can do is just sit back and say "Wow. I'm an idiot for not seeing that sooner."
So just a little background... when I first came here, I wasn't thrilled about chapel twice a week. See, chapel for me was always the opportunity to sleep or do homework or study for a test. So having it twice a week with nearly three thousand students wasn't exactly my idea of a great time. In fact, I was all excited about sleeping until ten on those days, but that didn't happen anyway... and I digress. But I figured that I could give it a try, and so far, in the 5 chapels I've been to, it hasn't really been all that bad.
But today was one of those "Oh my gosh" chapels. First off, every song they played was one of my favorite songs. Literally. If they had asked me to pick out the songs for worship, those would have been the ones I would have picked. But that's not the coolest part.
We had a fantastic speaker come up. He was talking about the effects of sin on our lives, and he actually broke a vase in a pillowcase (which happened to belong to his wife). After we strained to watch the glass shatter and whispered amongst ourselves about how his wife was going to wake up with glass shards in her face, he held up the pillowcase and said "This is what sin does to your life. It shatters your heart. And you can't put them back together. But you know, there is Someone who can." And he picked up another vase and started filling it up with water. He said, "This is what Jesus wants to do. He can put back together your shattered heart, and He wants to fill it up with His Holy Spirit. And then He can overflow into someone else's life, so when they bump into you, they see how great God is."
I sat back and was like, "Whoa." See, for the past year, I've been dealing with an extremely broken heart, caused by sin that other people had committed against me. The epiphany was something so incredibly simple that I felt like an idiot, but at the same time I felt like I had discovered a cure for cancer. GOD CAN USE MY PAST FOR HIS GLORY! How cool is that? God can use my screwed-up, broken heart and He can mend it, and He can use me to overflow into the lives of those around me.
Believe it or not, it gets even cooler. I went to church with a friend for the second Wednesday in a row, and the message was incredibly similar to the one in chapel. Rodney (the youth pastor) said that God wants us to quit sitting around being saved and start following Christ like we were meant to do, and allow Him to develop us as believers. He also said that God wants us to follow Him with abandon in every age we pass through, including the rough times, so He can do something through us to glorify His name. The cool thing is that because of what I've been through in the past, I feel called to help people in the same (or worse) circumstances.
It's not really something new I've learned, but sometimes God has to slap me upside the head again and remind me of what He's taught me before. I guess that qualifies it as an epiphany.
I know God brought me here for a reason. Last year He brought me to UMHB to deal with a lot of issues that I had left unresolved. Maybe now He's bringing me here so that I can finally put those issues to rest.
I love it when God moves in mysterious ways!!!
So just a little background... when I first came here, I wasn't thrilled about chapel twice a week. See, chapel for me was always the opportunity to sleep or do homework or study for a test. So having it twice a week with nearly three thousand students wasn't exactly my idea of a great time. In fact, I was all excited about sleeping until ten on those days, but that didn't happen anyway... and I digress. But I figured that I could give it a try, and so far, in the 5 chapels I've been to, it hasn't really been all that bad.
But today was one of those "Oh my gosh" chapels. First off, every song they played was one of my favorite songs. Literally. If they had asked me to pick out the songs for worship, those would have been the ones I would have picked. But that's not the coolest part.
We had a fantastic speaker come up. He was talking about the effects of sin on our lives, and he actually broke a vase in a pillowcase (which happened to belong to his wife). After we strained to watch the glass shatter and whispered amongst ourselves about how his wife was going to wake up with glass shards in her face, he held up the pillowcase and said "This is what sin does to your life. It shatters your heart. And you can't put them back together. But you know, there is Someone who can." And he picked up another vase and started filling it up with water. He said, "This is what Jesus wants to do. He can put back together your shattered heart, and He wants to fill it up with His Holy Spirit. And then He can overflow into someone else's life, so when they bump into you, they see how great God is."
I sat back and was like, "Whoa." See, for the past year, I've been dealing with an extremely broken heart, caused by sin that other people had committed against me. The epiphany was something so incredibly simple that I felt like an idiot, but at the same time I felt like I had discovered a cure for cancer. GOD CAN USE MY PAST FOR HIS GLORY! How cool is that? God can use my screwed-up, broken heart and He can mend it, and He can use me to overflow into the lives of those around me.
Believe it or not, it gets even cooler. I went to church with a friend for the second Wednesday in a row, and the message was incredibly similar to the one in chapel. Rodney (the youth pastor) said that God wants us to quit sitting around being saved and start following Christ like we were meant to do, and allow Him to develop us as believers. He also said that God wants us to follow Him with abandon in every age we pass through, including the rough times, so He can do something through us to glorify His name. The cool thing is that because of what I've been through in the past, I feel called to help people in the same (or worse) circumstances.
It's not really something new I've learned, but sometimes God has to slap me upside the head again and remind me of what He's taught me before. I guess that qualifies it as an epiphany.
I know God brought me here for a reason. Last year He brought me to UMHB to deal with a lot of issues that I had left unresolved. Maybe now He's bringing me here so that I can finally put those issues to rest.
I love it when God moves in mysterious ways!!!
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