My Life Be Like...

brokenness. That is the one word that sums up my life right now. Brokenness for the things of Christ. My heart is broken. My life is broken. Everything is just... in pieces. But the amazing thing is, I can feel God slowly putting everything back together. It's an awesome feeling.

I guess I ought to start at the beginning. The best way to say what happened last week is that I caved. I caved into my desires for companionship and to have someone. I decided to call Ben last week and tell him that I wanted a second try at our relationship. After a couple of days, I felt this weird sense of uneasiness in my soul. It was like this knot formed in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about a relationship with him, with anybody actually. And I knew what it was about. So I mentioned it to my mom in passing. She gave me a funny look, shook her head, and said, "Nope. Friends is great, but not a relationship." Since I trust my mom very much, it got me listening more to the voice of the Lord. And I could tell that He wanted me to wait for His timing.

After that, I started praying for God to just break me. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His wisdom and guidance. I wanted to be broken. And break me, He did. It was one of the most awesome and painful feelings I've ever experienced. I went to a couple of worship services the next day, and everything was what I needed to hear. I needed to know that He was calling me back with open arms, and both worship services I went to talked about just that. Finally, I broke down and just started sobbing. And it felt wonderful to finally be able to pour all those emotions out to the Lord. I think for the first time in a long time, I realized that God was calling me with all the grace in His heart, letting me know that His love and mercy are sufficient.

Spiritual Rush was the same experience. The first night, Bo Hughes talked about letting the Gospel sink from our heads to our hearts, and about placing Christ as the priority in our lives. The Gospel says that Christ's sacrifice and salvation are all we need. So I started thinking. Do I really look for justification as a human being in something other than the cross? Was what I wanted with Ben really what God wanted, or was it me desiring something other than Christ to fill a void in my heart? And when I was thinking about this, I realized that I really did care more about Ben than about the things of God, and I was placing his offer of emotional and physical security higher than God's offer of grace and peace. Red flags went up everywhere. I knew God was letting me know that I needed to cut it off right then. So I called him that night and told him that a relationship would work, not now, not ever. I told him that Jesus needed to be first in my life, and He wasn't when I was thinking about him. And the most amazing thing is, as soon as I got off the phone with him, I knew I had done the right thing by closing that door once and for all.

After I talked to him the first time, I was talking to Libby about it, and the first thing she said to me was, "Guard your heart." I now know what guarding your heart looks like, mostly because I didn't do such a good job of it last week. It is making Christ priority in your life. It is knowing that things like relationships are good things and are from God, but understanding that He orchestrates all things, and nothing in this world can ever measure up to His ultimate offer of love and salvation. His salvation is sufficient for me. If God called me to a life of singleness, I need to understand that it's okay, because a life with Christ is all I will ever really need.

It's a pretty amazing concept, I think. What's even more amazing is that God is showing me day by day that I'm really not alone in my struggles. I wasn't alone before, but now He's brought along some really great girls that are going through the same battles against loneliness and security that I am. Kendra (the RA on the third floor) and I had a long talk about all of that the other night, and then again last night at worship night. We're both struggling with desires for a relationship, and we're both slowly and painfully coming the realization that God is sufficient for us.

This verse from Philippians has been popping up a lot in the last couple of days. We talked about it at Spiritual Rush and then again at THREAD last night:

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I CONSIDER THEM RUBBISH, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His suffering, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection of the dead."

It's weird to me how I've heard this verse so many times, but I've never really thought about it before. Everything else in all the world is absolutely nothing compared to the wonder of knowing Jesus and following Him. In fact, everything that I consistently hold onto- relationships, security, happiness- is like trash compared to knowing and following Him.

So in the words of Derek Webb, I repent. I repent of seeking other things to satisfy me. I repent of consistently holding onto my own desires. I repent of always looking to control my own life and my own timing. I repent of letting my heart become an open book. I repent of not keeping Christ the center of my life. And in repenting, one of the most amazing discoveries I've made lately is that the Gospel of grace says, "Okay. As far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your transgressions from you." How awesome is that? I'm part of the "tilted halo gang", those of us that have sincerely messed up but can still stand before the Lord because they are washed in the blood of the Lamb. It's a pretty amazing realization.

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who hear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

Clarity

Well. I never actually thought I'd say what I'm about to say, especially not after this weekend. But here goes... you Crusaders have to promise you're not gonna be mad at me after this.

This weekend I went down to UMHB for the first time this semester to see my friends that I was missing terribly. Don't get me wrong... I had a wonderful time down there. I got to go to a Crusader football game and got to have wonderful conversations with dear friends. But there had been a nagging feeling in the back of my brain for a long time that perhaps I needed to be back in Belton for school. I have amazing, godly friends down there that I adore, and I had learned a lot about myself there. This weekend was confirmation of the most novel concept in the world.

As I drove into Belton, everything looked so incredibly familiar. Not hard, since Belton really isn't that big of a town. I met Kelsy for dinner at our date place (Luigi's), and we got caught up on each other's lives over a hot plate of manicotti and chicken parmigiana. A lot had been happening in both of our lives, so it was great to both listen to her and talk to her. Then the time came for me to drive onto campus to see Audrey, who was on duty that night. I didn't know how I would feel, how the campus would look, whether I would see people I know... all of this was completely up in the air. As I drove up, the familiar lights of campus gleamed at me from the bridge over University Street, and I felt like I was going home. Except, it wasn't home. But I'll get to that later.

Audrey and I had a blast that night, hanging out and talking and meeting new faces. The next day, I went to the football game (Go Cru!) with Glynis and got to talk with her and be with her during an extremely difficult period in her life. And of course, I got to see Geoff and Katie and Josh and Brittany and Rhiannon and meet plenty of other new people. Once again, it was the strange familiar feeling, but it still didn't feel right. That night was great, with dinner and catching up with old friends, and then seeing Asa, Todd, Trav and Jenn was just like old times, with all the craziness that goes on in that house. It was so much fun... but it wasn't right.

The next day, I went to the Vista, that wonderful church that challenged me last year and taught me more about myself than I could ever dream. I saw more old friends and gave out lots of amazing hugs. Worship started, and I found myself once again before the throne of God. But while I was worshiping, I felt this utter confusion come over me. Kelsy had told me earlier that it just seemed so natural for me to be there in Belton, and it seemed natural to me too. But, it didn't feel right. I wanted with all of my heart to be there with those amazing people, but God was telling me "No, I want you at DBU." I sat there and asked, "Are you sure, Lord? But what about the fun I've had this weekend?" All He told me was "I want you where you are."

Let me tell you, it was the crappiest feeling in the world. I literally broke down and started sobbing. I wanted to be there, but walking around campus felt so foreign to me, like I was a stranger there again, like I didn't belong there. Which totally went against what I had been telling myself since the beginning of the school year. So that afternoon I said goodbye to Audrey and Bryn, packed up my stuff, and pulled away from the home I had once known. And it was the most natural feeling in the world. What made it even weirder was the peace I got as I saw the clock tower of the Mahler Center in the distance when I exited the highway. It was this overwhelming sensation that I was truly, completely home. It was the most natural feeling to walk from my car to my dorm, and it made me feel almost... happy, I guess you could say.

It's strange, but UMHB has gradually become the home where I don't belong. I miss it, and the people there, but I thought about living in the dorms there and going to class there, and it all seems so surreal. Being here is just... well, natural.

How the heck did all of this happen? When did I get like this? When did God reveal this to me? I honestly have no answers. But this I do know... I am more sure now than ever that this is where I truly belong. I talked it over with Libby (my RD) tonight, and I feel like I have such clarity now. God gave me the friends that I have in Belton for a reason, because we all are going through such similar stuff in our lives. But God brought me here to DBU to teach me something and to prepare me for something big that He has in store for me. I don't know what that is, but I have a feeling it's coming soon. But you know... the skies have never been clearer and my road has never been straighter than it is right now. All because of a little trip I took to my former home. I'll always miss it, but I'm home now. Right where I belong.

My Eyes Have Seen Holy

So. The promised blog about FOCUS. My only problem with this is that I have absolutely no idea how to put what I learned into complete, comprehensive phrases. So please... forgive my inadequate description of an amazing, God-revealing experience.

I didn't know what God was going to say to me this year. Last year was one of those life-defining moments, and in a way I went in with some great expectations for this year. Part of my reason for going was also to see some people that I hadn't seen in a long time, which I admit was totally selfish, but somehow God uses my selfishness to still teach me something.

The biggest thing that I learned is, again, something so ridiculously simple that I felt like a complete idiot when it finally sunk in. The past couple of years have not been easy in regards to my spiritual walk with Christ. When I was a sophomore in high school, my family moved churches to a place that was... well, leaning toward the side of legalism. My youth pastor often told us, in not so many words, that to be a good Christian you have to read the Bible, read theological books, pray every day, show up to church every time the door is open, not listen to secular music, and not watch R-rated movies. Everything was about being a good Baptist, something that drove me nuts. We couldn't ask questions during the lesson, because for some reason it disrupted the ritual of it all. We got guilt trips every time we didn't show up for a youth trip. Somehow, it settled in my head that if I didn't do these things, I wasn't a good Christian. So I never tried, because I struggled with them so much. Fortunately I had learned enough about the love of God when I was younger I knew that most of what I was being taught was wrong.

So with all of that rolling around in my head, I walked into a breakout session on personal spiritual discipline, the thing that I have struggled with the most in my Christian walk. We got into a discussion on legalism because when someone is following the spiritual disciplines, Satan's number one method of attack is to turn them into a legalist. He said something so simple, yet so profound, I was completely forward. "There is nothing that you have to do to increase in standing with God." How incredible is that?! Coming from my kind of background, could you see how groundbreaking that is? I don't have to read my Bible, I don't have to go to church. I do those things because I want to grow in my walk with Christ and in fellowship with other people that believe what I believe. But there is absolutely nothing I have to do to make God love me more, because He already loved me enough to die for me.

You know, it's difficult coming from that kind of background and attempting to get out of that mindset. Ever since that particular breakout, my walk with Christ has been stronger, and maybe a little less obvious than it was last year. If there's anything that I've learned through Focus, my life is for the glory and by the grace of God. I feel like I was directly before the throne of God during that particular moment, and even afterward.

The thing that I have been trying to wrap my mind around lately is just how holy God is. This doesn't really have much to do with FOCUS, but it's something that has been going through my mind lately. Everything that God does is for His glory. It seems strangely selfish to us, as if God has something to gain from having us worship Him. But it really is for our benefit. To recognize the glory of God is to recognize the sinfulness of me and to comprehend the measures of His grace, that He would adopt me as His daughter. To understand what Christ gave up is to understand a little better what kind of sacrifice He made, so that I can come before the throne of God completely sinful but covered in His righteousness. Just a thought.

Well, I plan on posting something later about my trip to Belton this weekend, but currently I have to get back to writing a paper for my Spanish class. It's hard to write something in Spanish...

Focus

So I'm about 10 minutes away from leaving for my second Focus of my college career. It's almost sad. I remember what it was like last year, and how I came away from it with lifelong friends. I'm hoping it will be like that again this year, especially with a new school and people I don't know. I'm looking forward to what God has to say to me this year.

Well, if I don't go now, I'm going to be late, and therefore be left. Details to come next week! I promise... and I always keep my promises. For the most part.

Holy smokes, I see it now...

I had the coolest epiphany today. It was one of those light-bulb moments where all you can do is just sit back and say "Wow. I'm an idiot for not seeing that sooner."

So just a little background... when I first came here, I wasn't thrilled about chapel twice a week. See, chapel for me was always the opportunity to sleep or do homework or study for a test. So having it twice a week with nearly three thousand students wasn't exactly my idea of a great time. In fact, I was all excited about sleeping until ten on those days, but that didn't happen anyway... and I digress. But I figured that I could give it a try, and so far, in the 5 chapels I've been to, it hasn't really been all that bad.

But today was one of those "Oh my gosh" chapels. First off, every song they played was one of my favorite songs. Literally. If they had asked me to pick out the songs for worship, those would have been the ones I would have picked. But that's not the coolest part.

We had a fantastic speaker come up. He was talking about the effects of sin on our lives, and he actually broke a vase in a pillowcase (which happened to belong to his wife). After we strained to watch the glass shatter and whispered amongst ourselves about how his wife was going to wake up with glass shards in her face, he held up the pillowcase and said "This is what sin does to your life. It shatters your heart. And you can't put them back together. But you know, there is Someone who can." And he picked up another vase and started filling it up with water. He said, "This is what Jesus wants to do. He can put back together your shattered heart, and He wants to fill it up with His Holy Spirit. And then He can overflow into someone else's life, so when they bump into you, they see how great God is."

I sat back and was like, "Whoa." See, for the past year, I've been dealing with an extremely broken heart, caused by sin that other people had committed against me. The epiphany was something so incredibly simple that I felt like an idiot, but at the same time I felt like I had discovered a cure for cancer. GOD CAN USE MY PAST FOR HIS GLORY! How cool is that? God can use my screwed-up, broken heart and He can mend it, and He can use me to overflow into the lives of those around me.

Believe it or not, it gets even cooler. I went to church with a friend for the second Wednesday in a row, and the message was incredibly similar to the one in chapel. Rodney (the youth pastor) said that God wants us to quit sitting around being saved and start following Christ like we were meant to do, and allow Him to develop us as believers. He also said that God wants us to follow Him with abandon in every age we pass through, including the rough times, so He can do something through us to glorify His name. The cool thing is that because of what I've been through in the past, I feel called to help people in the same (or worse) circumstances.

It's not really something new I've learned, but sometimes God has to slap me upside the head again and remind me of what He's taught me before. I guess that qualifies it as an epiphany.

I know God brought me here for a reason. Last year He brought me to UMHB to deal with a lot of issues that I had left unresolved. Maybe now He's bringing me here so that I can finally put those issues to rest.

I love it when God moves in mysterious ways!!!