Clarity

Well. I never actually thought I'd say what I'm about to say, especially not after this weekend. But here goes... you Crusaders have to promise you're not gonna be mad at me after this.

This weekend I went down to UMHB for the first time this semester to see my friends that I was missing terribly. Don't get me wrong... I had a wonderful time down there. I got to go to a Crusader football game and got to have wonderful conversations with dear friends. But there had been a nagging feeling in the back of my brain for a long time that perhaps I needed to be back in Belton for school. I have amazing, godly friends down there that I adore, and I had learned a lot about myself there. This weekend was confirmation of the most novel concept in the world.

As I drove into Belton, everything looked so incredibly familiar. Not hard, since Belton really isn't that big of a town. I met Kelsy for dinner at our date place (Luigi's), and we got caught up on each other's lives over a hot plate of manicotti and chicken parmigiana. A lot had been happening in both of our lives, so it was great to both listen to her and talk to her. Then the time came for me to drive onto campus to see Audrey, who was on duty that night. I didn't know how I would feel, how the campus would look, whether I would see people I know... all of this was completely up in the air. As I drove up, the familiar lights of campus gleamed at me from the bridge over University Street, and I felt like I was going home. Except, it wasn't home. But I'll get to that later.

Audrey and I had a blast that night, hanging out and talking and meeting new faces. The next day, I went to the football game (Go Cru!) with Glynis and got to talk with her and be with her during an extremely difficult period in her life. And of course, I got to see Geoff and Katie and Josh and Brittany and Rhiannon and meet plenty of other new people. Once again, it was the strange familiar feeling, but it still didn't feel right. That night was great, with dinner and catching up with old friends, and then seeing Asa, Todd, Trav and Jenn was just like old times, with all the craziness that goes on in that house. It was so much fun... but it wasn't right.

The next day, I went to the Vista, that wonderful church that challenged me last year and taught me more about myself than I could ever dream. I saw more old friends and gave out lots of amazing hugs. Worship started, and I found myself once again before the throne of God. But while I was worshiping, I felt this utter confusion come over me. Kelsy had told me earlier that it just seemed so natural for me to be there in Belton, and it seemed natural to me too. But, it didn't feel right. I wanted with all of my heart to be there with those amazing people, but God was telling me "No, I want you at DBU." I sat there and asked, "Are you sure, Lord? But what about the fun I've had this weekend?" All He told me was "I want you where you are."

Let me tell you, it was the crappiest feeling in the world. I literally broke down and started sobbing. I wanted to be there, but walking around campus felt so foreign to me, like I was a stranger there again, like I didn't belong there. Which totally went against what I had been telling myself since the beginning of the school year. So that afternoon I said goodbye to Audrey and Bryn, packed up my stuff, and pulled away from the home I had once known. And it was the most natural feeling in the world. What made it even weirder was the peace I got as I saw the clock tower of the Mahler Center in the distance when I exited the highway. It was this overwhelming sensation that I was truly, completely home. It was the most natural feeling to walk from my car to my dorm, and it made me feel almost... happy, I guess you could say.

It's strange, but UMHB has gradually become the home where I don't belong. I miss it, and the people there, but I thought about living in the dorms there and going to class there, and it all seems so surreal. Being here is just... well, natural.

How the heck did all of this happen? When did I get like this? When did God reveal this to me? I honestly have no answers. But this I do know... I am more sure now than ever that this is where I truly belong. I talked it over with Libby (my RD) tonight, and I feel like I have such clarity now. God gave me the friends that I have in Belton for a reason, because we all are going through such similar stuff in our lives. But God brought me here to DBU to teach me something and to prepare me for something big that He has in store for me. I don't know what that is, but I have a feeling it's coming soon. But you know... the skies have never been clearer and my road has never been straighter than it is right now. All because of a little trip I took to my former home. I'll always miss it, but I'm home now. Right where I belong.