My Eyes Have Seen Holy

So. The promised blog about FOCUS. My only problem with this is that I have absolutely no idea how to put what I learned into complete, comprehensive phrases. So please... forgive my inadequate description of an amazing, God-revealing experience.

I didn't know what God was going to say to me this year. Last year was one of those life-defining moments, and in a way I went in with some great expectations for this year. Part of my reason for going was also to see some people that I hadn't seen in a long time, which I admit was totally selfish, but somehow God uses my selfishness to still teach me something.

The biggest thing that I learned is, again, something so ridiculously simple that I felt like a complete idiot when it finally sunk in. The past couple of years have not been easy in regards to my spiritual walk with Christ. When I was a sophomore in high school, my family moved churches to a place that was... well, leaning toward the side of legalism. My youth pastor often told us, in not so many words, that to be a good Christian you have to read the Bible, read theological books, pray every day, show up to church every time the door is open, not listen to secular music, and not watch R-rated movies. Everything was about being a good Baptist, something that drove me nuts. We couldn't ask questions during the lesson, because for some reason it disrupted the ritual of it all. We got guilt trips every time we didn't show up for a youth trip. Somehow, it settled in my head that if I didn't do these things, I wasn't a good Christian. So I never tried, because I struggled with them so much. Fortunately I had learned enough about the love of God when I was younger I knew that most of what I was being taught was wrong.

So with all of that rolling around in my head, I walked into a breakout session on personal spiritual discipline, the thing that I have struggled with the most in my Christian walk. We got into a discussion on legalism because when someone is following the spiritual disciplines, Satan's number one method of attack is to turn them into a legalist. He said something so simple, yet so profound, I was completely forward. "There is nothing that you have to do to increase in standing with God." How incredible is that?! Coming from my kind of background, could you see how groundbreaking that is? I don't have to read my Bible, I don't have to go to church. I do those things because I want to grow in my walk with Christ and in fellowship with other people that believe what I believe. But there is absolutely nothing I have to do to make God love me more, because He already loved me enough to die for me.

You know, it's difficult coming from that kind of background and attempting to get out of that mindset. Ever since that particular breakout, my walk with Christ has been stronger, and maybe a little less obvious than it was last year. If there's anything that I've learned through Focus, my life is for the glory and by the grace of God. I feel like I was directly before the throne of God during that particular moment, and even afterward.

The thing that I have been trying to wrap my mind around lately is just how holy God is. This doesn't really have much to do with FOCUS, but it's something that has been going through my mind lately. Everything that God does is for His glory. It seems strangely selfish to us, as if God has something to gain from having us worship Him. But it really is for our benefit. To recognize the glory of God is to recognize the sinfulness of me and to comprehend the measures of His grace, that He would adopt me as His daughter. To understand what Christ gave up is to understand a little better what kind of sacrifice He made, so that I can come before the throne of God completely sinful but covered in His righteousness. Just a thought.

Well, I plan on posting something later about my trip to Belton this weekend, but currently I have to get back to writing a paper for my Spanish class. It's hard to write something in Spanish...