Everything...

Wow... that's all I can really say at this point.

Less than five minutes after I posted my last blog, the guy I was talking about texted me and said he wanted to talk. Immediately I hit the panic mode. He didn't say what he wanted to talk about, but I kind of had an idea. So about 20 minutes before I met him, I started praying. I turned on some music and laid out on my floor and prayed as hard as I possibly could.

It's hard to tell exactly what happened next. Josh met me and we went to the side of my dorm and sat on the curb. He told me that he was sorry if he led me on, and that he just didn't have those kind of feelings for me. He said that he cared for me as a sister in Christ and as a friend, but he just didn't feel that way about me. I said that I understood, and that I was okay with still being friends. We parted ways, and I was great for a little while after that. But then the emotions just hit me all at once. I found Kendra in the library and told her what had happened. She looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I said yes, and I would probably cry about it later. And then she looked at me, and tears started coming up in her eyes (apparently I looked upset about it). Then I started crying, and we stood outside Spence for about 20 minutes just crying and talking.

It just hit me all at once that I am still alone. I mean, I'm not alone because God has surrounded me with wonderful friends, but there's a part of me that still longs for that kind of emotional "intimacy" that girls can only get with a guy. It's so hard when there's this desire for a relationship, but you realize that it's not the right time. When I was praying before I talked to him, God told me that He is still not my everything. There's a part of me that is still closed off to His advances and His desire for intimacy. I'm not sure what that part is, but He firmly let me know that until I give everything over to Him, I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship with another man.

There was a CD we listened to tonight in a prayer meeting I went to. It's from Graham Cooke, who did a sermon from God's point of view. In it, he says that God still hasn't loved us the way that He desires to love us, partly because we won't let Him. It hit me all of the sudden that I have closed off a part of myself to everyone around me, including God. I'm still afraid to reveal myself to Him. He can see it, but I think He wants me to realize that I'm holding back. I'm keeping something from Him, when all He wants is to be the greatest Lover that I could ever imagine. He knows me inside and out, and yet I refuse to allow Him to love me. There are barriers around my heart that I didn't even know existed. There are things that I am still wanting more than I'm wanting Him. And until His love and His romance becomes enough for me, I can't have that kind of relationship. As much as I want it, I can't have it.

I'm just burnt out on life right now. I take two steps forward and three steps backward. I keep having the same struggles that I thought I had beaten months ago. There's so much that I want that seems so contradictory. I want my Lord to be everything to me, but there are still other things that I feel that I want just as much. I feel emotionally and spiritually drained. Can there ever be peace?

I want to want Jesus. I want to want Him to pursue me. I want to want Him to break down every single barrier I've put up around my heart. I want to want Him to romance me. I want to want Him to pursue me. I long to be able to love Him like He deserves to be loved. I want Him to be my Everything, my All... how long can I stay here with these barriers up when He's knocking at my door?
~~~~~~~~~~
Find me here, speak to me,
I want to feel You, I need to hear You,
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... You're everything

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?

You calm the storms, You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?

Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything...

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?