Wellspring of Life

Last time I blogged, I wrote a little bit about guarding my heart. To be perfectly honest, I still don't think that I do a very good job of it. See, I met this guy a few weeks ago... and he's a really nice guy. I think I could like him... actually I think I do like him. We've had some really cool conversations, and he seems like he's interested. I don't even know what he thinks about me, but I'm getting to that all-too-familiar place where I'm completely consumed with thinking about it and analyzing it and trying to read the signals. And I don't want to do that again at all. I've been there recently. I can't do it again.

After everything happened with Ben last month, I went to a women's prayer brunch here at DBU, and the whole premise was learning to pray God's Word. We all got different cards at our place settings, and the one that just happened to be at my place (where I just happened to randomly sit) said this:
"Help me, Lord, above all else to guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Please help me to recognize that the primary target of deception is my heart. In other words, I must be careful not to trust feeling and emotions on their own. I ask You, Lord, to knead the right kind of feeling into my heart. Proverbs 4:23."

Honestly, this is the first time I've looked at that card in several weeks. And I'm beginning to remember the signs that I'm in too deep. I want to hang out with him all the time. I think about him all the time. I over-analyze every single nuance of whatever he says to me.

I said before that guarding my heart meant making sure that Christ is my priority in life, and that knowing that His offer of grace and salvation is the greatest treasure that I could ever receive. I'm not saying that I think he's a temptation for me, something to get my attention away from God. But Satan can use even good things that God gives us to get our focus off of God and onto something else. And that's really what I'm struggling with now. Take last Thursday for example. I had an incredible opportunity to get my one true Focus back, and I spent the entire worship service wondering, "Where is he? Is he here?" How terrible is that?

I think I'm finally beginning to understand the concept of taking up my cross daily to follow Christ. This whole thing is becoming a daily struggle for me. It's so easy for my eyes to stray from Jesus and onto something or someone else. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but it seems like I have to consistently learn the same lesson over and over and over again.

Lately the line from Lifehouse's "Everything" has been playing around in my mind. "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? But You tell me how could it be any better than this? 'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything." How can I see the wonders of God's grace and want something more? Do I really take the cross that lightly? Do I really take that kind of grace for granted?