Talk about a nail-biter...

Today I voted for the first time. I know... 20 years old and voting for the first time? I don't really have a good explanation other than I was nearly 17 for the 2004 election, and I didn't really care about the 2006 election.

But this one I care about. Because, like many people, I understand that this is a turning point in our nation's history.

No matter what, this will be an election for the history books. We will either have America's first African-American president and its first Catholic VP, or we'll have America's oldest president and first woman VP. Let me say from the beginning that I admire and respect all four candidates. It takes a lot of hard work to get as far as they've gotten, be it a governorship or a chair in the Senate. It takes a lot of guts to be the first-whatever, and it takes a lot of ambition to attempt to run for our nation's highest and second-highest offices.

Now to the reason I'm writing this particular entry.

I've been asked several times in the last couple of weeks who I'm voting for in this historical election. Up until about May, I had absolutely no idea. I knew nothing about Barack Obama, and I didn't particularly like John McCain (waffles too much for me). The media seems to like Obama for president, which is all well and good. But as I was listening to the media and listening to what Obama said, I realized something.

I can't, in good conscience, vote for Barack Obama.

--It's not because he's Black. I could care less whether the man was black, white, pink, orange, red, or yellow. If an African-American with good character and good politics ran for president, I'd vote for him in a heartbeat.

--It's not because he's Democrat. I'm not a Republican, I'm not a Democrat, I'm not a Libertarian. I'm an Independent. I registered that way because I don't want to hold to any party whatsoever. There are things in all the parties that I agree and disagree with, and I refuse to let partisanship stand in the way of voting according to my conscience.

--It's not because he's Muslim, or whatever he is. I could care less if the guy was Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Sikh, Jewish, or even some obscure tribal religion from the Pacific Islands. The Constitution says that a person's qualifications to hold office do not rest on their religious affiliation, and since the Constitution is the highest law of the land, I completely support it. Come to think of it, I have absolutely no idea what his religion is.

--It's not because I'm a feminist and want to see a woman get one of the highest offices in the country. While I admit, it would be nice, I honestly don't care. A person's gender has absolutely nothing to do with politics, or at least it shouldn't. We've survived for over 250 years without a woman president or vice-president, and I have a feeling we could survive without one for as long as this nation exists. We're not Britain.

Here's why I can't, in good conscience, vote for Barack Obama.

-- Abortion.  Over fifty MILLION children have been killed since Roe v. Wade in 1973.  That's over fifty million potential presidents, Bill Gates, governors, congressmen, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters.  Not only does Barack Obama support Roe, he also supports expanding the Court's decision to include partial birth abortion and limit even further the parental notification laws.  Partial birth abortion - where the doctor takes the child as it's coming through the birth canal, stabs it in the head with a pair of forceps, sucks out its brains until the skull caves in, and then pulls it out to dispose of it.  Does this sound humane?  As Christians, we are to value life and value children.  Proverbs says that children are a gift from God, and blessed is the man who has many of them.  Life, especially unborn life, is to be valued and protected, not thrown away because of some selfish urge to maintain a wild lifestyle or to not deal with a genetic problem like Down's Syndrome.

-- Homosexuality.  I'm not calling him gay, because I know he's not.  I don't hate homosexuals.  But I do believe, and Scripture backs me up, that homosexuality is a sin.  In Leviticus, God says that a man lying with another man is an abomination.  Just look at Sodom and Gomorrah.  Those two cities were wiped off the face of the earth because of their debase lifestyle.  And what is the sin that they committed?  Homosexuality.  It is a perversion of something good and beautiful that God created for a husband and wife to experience together.  Barack Obama supports allowing homosexual marriage.  He believes that homosexuality is not a choice (and there is no medical evidence to suggest that it is inborn).

-- Jeremiah Wright.  Now you and I both know that since Wright's debacle a few months ago, Obama has tried to distance himself from his former mentor.  But you and I also know that you can't spend twenty years calling a person "a close friend and mentor" without picking up some of his beliefs.  And Jeremiah Wright believes some outlandish stuff.  He is racist, claiming that God is for the African-American community alone.  And if He's not, Jeremiah Wright believes that that God deserves to die.  It's a heresy known as "Black Liberation Theology", developed by Dr. James Cone in the 1960's.  Look it up.  It'll raise the hairs on the back of your neck.

-- The economy.  We all know that the economy is in severe economic recession.  It's perfectly obvious.  Obama's taxation plan absolutely and completely sucks.  70% of all income tax is payed by 10% of Americans.  He claims to give the middle class a tax break, but in reality the middle class pays only about 30% of all income tax.  So where does that leave us?  It leaves us with CEO's of major companies having to deal with an enormous tax hike, which leads to job cuts to maintain profit margins, which leaves us with paying huge sales taxes on things like electronics and food and gasoline.  Yeah, that's right.  You think gas prices are bad now, just wait.  Oh, and by the way -- gas prices didn't skyrocket until we elected a Democratic Congress in 2006.  Jobs didn't decrease until we elected a Democratic Congress in 2006 (in fact, the number of jobs was on the rise).

-- History.  I'm a student of history.  I love learning about the past, for three reasons.  1) I believe that the past gives us a basis for the present; 2) I believe that the past helps us in the future; and 3) I believe that unless we understand the past, we're doomed to make its mistakes.  Studying the history of the United States reveals a lot of interesting facts.  Our nation's fathers feared a true democracy, a true rule by the people.  That's why, in the original Constitution, the only branch of the government elected by the people was the weakest branch - the House of Representatives.  They have a limited role in Congress, evidenced by a short term.  They are the only branch designed to reflect a popular vote.  In the original Constitution, the Senate was selected by the various state legislators.  The Founding Fathers recognized that a country cannot be run by people who do not understand government.  Those that were to be elected to high positions of authority were supposed to be highly educated people, familiar with philosophy and law and history.  They were to be the elite.  And instead, we've placed the government where it does not belong - in the hands of the people.

That's not the only thing that history teaches us.  Look at the Communist revolution in Russia in 1917.  Russia then was in a severe economic depression, and the people were calling for help.  And that's where Communism begins.  Lenin and Stalin promised the people money, equalization.  Sound at all familiar?  But the people sold them their souls, and Russia entered into a seventy-year period of oppression.  Equalization?  Bull crap.  Look at Germany after World War I.  Severe economic depression with high rates of unemployment and widespread poverty.  Along comes Adolf Hitler, promising to return Germany to its glory days, end the poverty, bring it back to a world power.  And what did it cost?  Historians estimate nearly eight million people were murdered at the hands of the Nazis -- homosexuals, gypsies, Slavs, Jews, Blacks, people with Down's Syndrome.  The same kind of genetic euthanasia that we're seeing with unborn children.  Look at Fidel Castro.  Same kind of promises -- jobs, power, money.  And look what it got them.  Religious oppression.  Economic depression.  Widespread poverty.  History has lessons for us to learn, folks.

--Socialism.  Barack Obama has said that his tax plan will open up the chance for those coming behind us to have money, to equalize us.  There's a fundamental flaw in his logic, though.  America is already the land of opportunity.  It is illegal to discriminate based on race, ethnicity, creed, sexuality, gender, and a number of other things.  Chances are already open for people to make money by working hard and saving even more.  Barack Obama's plan takes money from these hard-working Americans and gives it to people who might not be working so hard.  I don't know about you, but I don't want other people getting the money that I rightfully earned.  That's socialism, people.  It's trying to equalize everyone.  The problem is that not everyone is equal.  We seem to have this skewed sense of fair play.  Hate to tell you this, but life isn't fair.

Here's the real deal.

I don't particularly like John McCain (now Sarah Palin, I like.  I happen to disagree with the vast majority of people, because I think that she can be trusted with our nation's secrets.  She already is).  But I refuse to vote for a man that stands for the exact opposite of everything I believe.  I know America's going to hell in a handbasket, and it has been for some time.  But I firmly believe that if Barack Obama is elected, it will get there a lot faster.  And if I can do something to slow that process, I will.

In the meantime, I gotta start packing, because I just might be moving to Canada after next Tuesday.

Grace, I call your name...

I don't really get to say this too often.

Chapel Wednesday was absolutely, positively amazing.

I haven't exactly been challenged recently in my walk with Christ. You see, I go to a church that is... well... struggling. They're much more preoccupied with trying to find a pastor that meets the needs of the over-fifty crowd, and they're not too concerned with making sure that the younger college students, like myself, get fed. To be completely honest, I started going to the church so that I could play music and sing again, not because the preaching was awe-inspiring. And, in all actuality, there are maybe two or three people there that are concerned about our spiritual well-being at all.

Because of this, I've been feeling really empty lately. It's like all the passion built up inside of me from last semester just dissipated. And I have no idea where it went. I don't want to get up for church. I definitely, especially don't want to go to chapel. Except for Wednesday.

The reason I'm prefacing a blog about chapel like this is because I'm just amazed at how God sends along an incredible message exactly when I needed to hear it. I wasn't even planning on going to chapel on Wednesday. I had to get up incredibly early to take a 7:30 shuttle shift for a friend, and I'd only gotten about five hours of sleep that night. I was exhausted, and I figured that chapel would just be as mundane and unimaginative as usual.

But then I found out from a guy in my history class that Josh Patterson, one of the executive pastors at the Village, was going to be speaking. I decided at the last minute to go. And I'm so glad I did.

Grace.

He talked about grace. And it was so... incredible to hear that part of his testimony. See, he didn't operate under the "true love waits" policy before he got married, partly because he didn't grow up in an environment where that was emphasized. His wife did. His wife went to a doctor and found out that he'd given her a disease that could only have come from his sordid past. His wife, the innocent party in the whole mess, got sick because of his mistake. But she didn't blame him, even though she could've. She showed him grace.

And I got convicted. Very, very convicted.

Because, in struggling with this loss of passion, I've also been struggling with something much more subversive.

I've been struggling with lust.

Man, that feels so good, getting that out in the open.

I've been struggling with my thought life. I won't go into any details, but it should suffice to say that it's been an issue for well over a year. Not about anyone in particular, nothing out in the open, but I have a bad habit of letting my imagination get away from me. And that's a sin. Christ said so. He said, "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Substitute the word "man" for "woman" and "him" for "her", and you get my sin.

My sin is just as bad as someone who commits murder. Sin is sin in the eyes of the Lord. Even though it's not out in the open, it's still sin. And it still deserves to be punished, just like someone who commits murder or adultery or whatever.

But what I realized, listening to him talk, was that I've been shown just the same measure of grace that he has. My sin was nailed on the cross next to his, and because God chose me from the foundations of the earth, my sin has been forgiven, just like his. I have been saved by grace, because I was dead in my transgressions. I am a child of the King, though I was once a slave to darkness. Even though I continually struggle with this sin, it has been covered by the blood of the Lamb.

So let me take this to the next logical step. If I have been saved by grace, shouldn't I show the same amount of grace to a brother or sister that harms me? I have no right to be self-righteous, even to someone whose sin is not so latent. Can I really have the audacity to deny someone forgiveness just because they did something to hurt me? In the words of Paul, God forbid! I cannot, by the laws of grace, hold a brother or sister in judgment. I forgive because I've been forgiven.

And in thinking about all of this, I realize that I've been incredibly self-righteous. I have a terrible tendency to point out the faults of others, whether it's swearing or immorality or whatever. In reality, I have no right to sit in judgment of the sins of others. Judgment is in the hands of God, and not in mine. I have the obligation to show my brothers and sisters, and even those that don't believe, the same magnitude of grace that I've been shown.

Because, grace is unmerited favor. I sure didn't deserve it. I sure know people that didn't deserve it. But it was given to me anyway.

Declaration of Independence

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

I know that today is the day for barbecues and fireworks and pool parties, but let's think for a minute about what this day is supposed to mean for us Americans. Regardless of political beliefs, today is the day that we celebrate our independence, our freedom. And I think that this deserves some thought in between all the pool parties and hamburgers.

Most of us have had American history at some point in our lives, so we know about the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the Revolutionary War. But did you know that America is an anomaly in the world? We are the only country to have ever had a successful revolution that established a permanent form of government. The French revolution failed, and Napoleon took over as a dictator. The Cuban revolution brought in Castro. I'd say we're pretty blessed to have made it this far, despite our young history.

The Declaration of Independence is one of the greatest documents in history, up there with the Magna Carta. Jefferson was a master of words. Lines like "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" have become the cornerstone for our system of law and government. Later, the Constitution of the United States became the backbone for law, the ruler by which all legal and political decisions in our country have been measured for the past 250 years. But even the Constitution is based on this great document, one that established America as an independent nation.

The 4th of July celebrates the Declaration of Independence. This document made the King of England realize that we wouldn't back down, that we had expectations of freedom, and that we were willing to die to gain that freedom. And that attitude of freedom has prevailed for the past 250 years. But I would argue that America's independence was not gained through this magnificent document. In fact, the United States of America did not become a nation until 1781, when General Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington. No, American independence does not rest on any document. American independence was won, and is still being won, by the men that died to make it the most powerful nation in the world.

We enjoy the freedom to speak our opinions, the freedom to worship whatever God we please, the freedom to bear arms and confront our accusers because of those patriots that died in the American revolution. We enjoy this freedom because of those men that fought to keep our independence in the War of 1812. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that fought to keep the Union together and free the slaves, and the men that fought for their ideals, in the Civil War. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that died in the trenches in World War I. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that were decimated in World War II in order to stop a homicidal, megalomanaical madman who murdered 6 million Jews and more than 1 million people of other races and creeds. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that sacrificed themselves for an unpopular war in Vietnam. And we still enjoy this freedom today, because of the men and women fighting another unpopular war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Regardless of your political beliefs, these men and women deserve to be appreciated, thanked, and supported. They fight for our independence, carrying on the great tradition begun in 1776. They fight for the ideal that all men are created equal. They fight so that you can sleep safe and comfortable at night. They fight so tht you can choose whether to support the war or not.

I'm proud of my dad, a soldier who is overseas now protecting our country. I'm proud of my friends that have been overseas, fulfilling their duty to this country. I'm proud of all our soldiers, past and present, who give up everything for God and country. So today, when you're eating your barbecue and watching the pretty fireworks, remember those men and women that have died to protect your freedom and my freedom. Remember those men that risked their lives to build this country into what it is. And thank God that you have the freedom to eat your barbecue and watch your fireworks. 

Captivate Me

I'm complacent.

I've come to that conclusion recently.  I'm incredibly complacent.

My spiritual life is wonderful when I'm at school.  When my friends are here, when I have daily theological conversations, when I'm constantly surrounded by the Word.  But when everyone goes home, when I don't have daily contact with my core group of friends, my spiritual life goes down the tubes.  And I feel it.  I feel it in my very being.

A few minutes ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop having yet another theological discussion with a friend who came in for the evening (I'm still sitting in said coffee shop, but my friend is playing his guitar right now, so we're not conversing).  And I suddenly realized that I can't remember the last time I read my Bible.  I can't remember the last time I prayed.  I can't even remember the last time I spent quality time with God.

I miss the feeling of just being captivated by the Lord.  I miss the wonder of seeing His face on a daily basis, of going to my friends with a problem or a theological issue.  It's not totally bad, since I do have some friends that are still here.  It's not like I'm necessarily doing anything bad... I still go to church and everything.  But it feels like a facade, a mask that I put on.  And I hate it.  I hate not being real with myself, with my friends, and with God.  There's just no desire whatsoever, no passion, no real love for being in His presence.

It's a sad statement to my faith if I have to rely on friends to keep me accountable.  It's a sad statement to my spiritual health if I can't even take the time to read my Bible or, heck, even play a worship song in the privacy of my room.

You know what I just realized?  I'm in a desert of my own making.  And yet... somehow I feel like... I don't know.  Maybe God needs me to be in this place to finally get my attention again.  I'm a stubborn person.  It's one of my less-desirable qualities.  

So here I am, figuratively on my knees, waiting for You to come and captivate me.  Take all of the thoughts I've been having that aren't glorifying to You.  Take all my selfish desires.  Take all my complacency.  I need passion again.  I need desire.

-------------

Your face is beautiful, and Your eyes are like the stars

Your gentle hands have healing, there inside the scars

Your loving arms, they draw me near, and Your smile, it brings me peace

Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You

Devastate us with Your presence, falling down,

Rushing River, draw us nearer,

Holy Fountain, consume us with You

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

Your voice is powerful, and Your words are radiant bright

In Your breath and shadow, I will come close and abide

You whisper love and life divine, and Your fellowship is free

Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You

Devastate us, with Your presence, falling down

Rushing River, draw us nearer

Holy Fountain, consume us with You

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

And let everything be lost in the shadow

Of the light of Your face

And let every chain be broken from me

As I'm bound in Your grace

For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light

You're full of wisdom, power, and might

And every eye will see You.

--Captivate Us, by Watermark

Evangelical Manifesto?

When I'm bored at work, I like to surf the Web for some interesting news articles, and this one takes the cake on interesting. I ran across an article in the Dallas Morning News religion blog that interviews Os Guinness about a new "Evangelical Manifesto" that was published last week. It caught my eye because we just finished reading his book "The Call" in our DCM class, and much of the stuff in there caught my eye. His point in the book is that, as Christians, we are called by God to live out the nature of grace in our lives. His call is central to our very existence as Christians, first to surrender ourselves to His will, and second to live out that grace in a day-to-day life in our dealings with others. Careers, occupations, and things of that nature may not necessarily be a part of our vocation, our call to service Christ. So after discussing that, I realized that I like what he has to say. I think that it's very very Biblically based, theologically sound. So when I saw that he had been one of the people to write the "Evangelical Manifesto", I got curious.


Another reason I got curious was because we had studied the Evangelical movement in my American Church History class this semester. It's a curious thing... this movement. It was designed to get away from the radical Fundamentalist movement that portrayed God as vengeful and not loving (of course, He is a wrathful God because He's holy, but that's another issue altogether).

It's a good read. It has some very good points as far as finally settling doctrinal issues that evangelicals have been struggling over for months. The Church in America is suffering. It's on the brink of collapse, as a matter of fact. We don't know what we believe. We don't know doctrine, we don't know Scripture, and ultimately we have no idea of what God desires us to be. It's laxidaisical, lazy, apathetic, and just plain screwed up. We've focused far more on privatizing our religion and getting people in the doors than discipling them in accordance with Scripture ("teaching them all that I have commanded you".) We don't know theology. We don't know Christology. We don't know anything. And it's frustrating.

We also don't know how to get along with other people. We're so focused on saying that we're right and they're wrong that we forget how to civilly dialogue with someone from another religion or even another denomination. This Manifesto calls for a civil public square-- where we can discuss our different opinions with civility and gentleness, like we're called to do ("Always be ready to give an answer for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.") Too many fundamentalist Christians (*cough* Pat Robertson *cough*) just end up putting a bad name on Christianity by calling for assassinations or protesting gay marriage outside funerals for fallen soldiers. Every time they open their mouths it's to take out their foot and stick the other one in. There's a time and a place to vote against moral measures, and there's no time or place to publicly call for Christians to pressure the government into assassination. So many non-Christians look at these kind of actions and reject Christianity altogether, simply because it's a bad representation of what a relationship with Christ really means.

By calling for a civil public square, this Manifesto puts religion back into the public light, since it has been hidden in the darkness of privatization for way too long. My faith is not private. My faith is a part of who I am... my Jesus and His call are all that I am. Neither should we make other religions privatize their faith in favor of our own. I hate to tell you this, but America was never founded on Christianity. It was founded on the concept of religious liberty, for all religions. Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, agnostics, atheists, Christians, Sikhs, Taoists, Shintos, and religions I can't even think of... all religions are supposed to have the freedom to practice their religion (as long as it doesn't transgress civil law, i.e. ritual human sacrifice) and to freely speak about it (see the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States). It's what sets our nation apart from other nations, because we don't have one single religion that it recognized above all the others. I'm tired of the Pat Robertsons of this country calling for us to return to our Christian roots. I'm tired of the Jerry Falwells of this country calling for everyone to automatically become Christian, because it's the American thing to do. They may be wrong, but it's not our place to tell them to give up their beliefs without a shred of evidence why they should. The Gospel of Christ is compelling, the grace of God is irresistible, and we are His messengers... but we are not His enforcers. We do not convert anyone. The Holy Spirit converts people, with or without us. We tend to speak out of both sides of our mouths on this point. We say that we should be given the forum to speak, but no one else is allowed the same forum.

Secondly, this Manifesto calls for us to de-politicize religion. Nowadays, unless you're a part of a certain party, you're pretty close to being called a heretic! Our allegiance is not to any party platform, civil group, world cause, or anything of the sort. Our allegiance is to Christ and Christ alone, to His Gospel and the spread of it, to preaching freedom in Christ and redemption through His blood. We've forgotten that in modern America. This is not to say that we should remove ourselves from all politics. In fact, we should be involved in getting a Christian voice into major issues. We're called to stand up for injustice, the weak of society, the millions of murdered unborn babies, the victims of horrific genocide. It's what Jesus did. But Christianity is not a weapon for political points, to use Guinness's words. We're not to use the Bible to get across a political message. We're not to become terrorists for Jesus. There is a method to getting what needs to be done in politics. It's called voting. It's called litigation. It's called lobbying. Not simply on the basis of "Well, Jesus said so," but on the basis of "It's morally right." Christianity is to never, ever, ever be synonymous with one party or another.

I don't know about you, but I am so ready to be taught what I believe. I'm ready for someone to finally stand up and say, "The church in America needs help." I think that this Manifesto is a good thing (I wished they had picked another term... anything other than Manifesto. I have visions of Communism when they say that.). It's a call to change the way that we think. It's a call to change the way that we behave. It points out things that are wrong with our Church these days. It's a call to get back to actually understanding theology and examining what the Bible really says. It finally stands up to say that Fundamentalism got things wrong, and Liberalism got things wrong. It stands up and says that it's time for civil dialogue between Christians and other religions in this world.

But don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.

http://www.anevangelicalmanifesto.com/docs/Evangelical_Manifesto.pdf

With a song in my heart...

So I mentioned before that when bad things happen, I turn to music (Scriptural music, that is). I don't really know why that is, but for some reason, God always shows me a song that He wants me to consider when things start to go wrong in my life. And lately, that's been a lot of stuff.

I sat down about 3 weeks after Mrs. Marks died and begged God for the words to write a song for the way I was feeling. It seemed to me like everything that I had been feeling could be summed up in "Bring it on." I think I figured out that when things go wrong, God's trying to bring out a lesson for me. He's teaching me something about His character that I need to know. And what came to me was that, yes, it's okay to go through tough times in life. It's beneficial for us as Christians to face trials, because it teaches us to lean on Him for strength that we can't get anywhere else. And the way that I figure it, going through trials is okay by me, as long as God is there to protect my soul. So this is the product of that night.

Bring On the Storm-- Chris Johnston

Sometimes my life just makes no sense at all
The mountains before me seem just way too tall
I can't see in front, and I can't look behind
I can't seem to shake these doubts that plague my mind
So I'll cling to the love I can't comprehend
Claiming the blood that freed me from sin

So bring on the storm, bring on the rain
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul

I look for something to bring me some peace
I seek for someone to wipe these tears from my cheeks
I pray for mercy to come and make me whole
It's only Your mercy that fills this void in my soul
Though the wind howls around my battered form
I'll hold to the strength that can calm this storm

So let the lightning flash and the thunder roll
Let the rain pour down and make me whole again

Bring on the storm, bring on the rain,
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul

That song has been playing in my mind for the past couple of weeks, even when all that stuff went down with John last week. Though we may face trials of many kinds, God will never give us more than we can bear. Over the past month or so, He's given me more songs to hold onto during this time... they really speak peace over my life at this point.

This next song has been playing in my mind for the past 2 months or so, ever since... well, this semester from hell began.

Hold Me Jesus-Rich Mullins

Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big and my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I beat my head against so many walls, now I'm falling down,
Falling on my knees

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep, makes my resistance seem so thin
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

I adopted this next song by Rich Mullins a long time ago as kind of my life song... and it's held special meaning for me today. Nothing on earth should hold my allegiance but Him. If I'm going to stand, I'm going to stand on His grace and power and knowledge that He will indeed pull me through.

If I Stand

There's more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
There's more than this fire here that keeps me warm
And a shelter that is larger than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That You will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairie than the wind
And more that pulses in the ocean than the tide
There's a love that's fiercer than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother when her baby's at her side.

And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things.

Here's a kind of new hymn for me... it's the one I want playing at my funeral (if it's still around when I die). I still get chills every time I hear this song. I love the theological soundness of this song, and the tenacity of each of these statements. They are a firm statement on whom I will place my trust, and a bold declaration of where my hope lies.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love! What depths of peace!
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All-in-All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!

All of these songs have been teaching me about God and His grace. I have been shown such unmerited favor, that when hard times come, I can't help but hold strong so that my God will still be glorified. Each of these songs has a common theme... In Christ's love, God's goodness, and the Holy Spirit's power I will stand until He moves me. And I will continually praise Him, with His Word on my lips and His song in my heart.

Can the Godly MAN please stand up?

I love how, when it seems like nothing else in my life can go wrong, something does. Sometimes it just seems like God loves to do that to us down here (before I get yelled at, I know it's not true). The last semester has, without a doubt, been my most emotionally taxing semester to date. It starts with an attempted suicide, losing a good friend, my dad leaving for war, my teacher dying, my parents maybe moving and me losing my free tuition, and now... I get played yet again. For the third time in 2 years. Is it just me, or is there something wrong with that?!

At least, that's how it seems to me.

So I had been sort of talking to this guy at school since Israel. While we were on our trip, we talked all the time, he'd come by my room and we'd go exploring with our roommates, we either sat next to each other or close to each other on the bus or at dinner... and it seemed to be going really well. I knew he had an ex-girlfriend that he was unsure about, but it didn't really bother me all that much. I figured that he'd get over her eventually. Apparently I was dead wrong.

We hung out solid for six weeks after we got back from Israel. At least once a week. Sometimes more. On the trip, he found out I love red Starburst, and one day he brought me some and said that he bought them earlier and thought of me, and he wanted to give them to me. On the trip, he found out I love fresh strawberries, and he brought me some when we went to church together. He'd say really sweet things, like how he was surprised that there were no boys in my church growing up if I was there. Or how I looked nice on a certain day. Or how I had a really nice smile, and if it came out more often when he was around we should keep hanging out. Stuff that no guy, not even my best guy-friends, say to me. I knew he was still hanging out with his ex, but he told me that they were still friends and he liked to hang out with her. Little did I know, huh.

So the other night we were hanging out, doing homework in the library when the power died. We couldn't see to do homework, so we sat in the dark and looked at pictures on our laptops before they died too. He was showing me pictures of the Rangers games he'd been to, and one came up of him and his ex. He said something like how he was really excited to see her that day, because he hadn't seen her in a while. So I kinda got to thinking that something was up. I knew something was up before this went down, but now I really got a suspicion. We finally left the library because it was dark and hot and his computer died, and he walked with me back to my dorm. I finally got up the courage to ask him if I could ask him a question, so I asked him if he and his girlfriend were talking about getting back together. He said, "Yeah. I want to, but she's still trying to decide if she can deal with the whole military thing."

You would think that I'd be a little upset about it. But I wasn't. Not at first. We went down by the pond by the apartments, and I played a couple of songs on my guitar. A couple of minutes later, he got up to leave so he could do homework and I said, "Ok. I'll just play a little more down here." He said, "I'm sorry if I misled you or anything. I still like hanging out with you." I said, "It's ok. Your heart is where your heart is." So he hugged me and I told him, "I hope [your ex] knows that she's a very lucky girl." After I played another song, I went to Borders with some friends to watch a movie, and he called me while we were there to check on me and make sure I was ok.

I guess it's a blessing in disguise, in a way. At least now I know where I stand with him, for now. And I don't know what the future is, so something could happen later. It still doesn't dampen the pain and the heartbreak.

I wrote a Facebook note with the title of this blog at the beginning of last summer, when everything with Ben went down. I guess this latest situation reminded me of that. I admit my part in what went wrong. I screwed up and didn't guard my heart. He screwed up and didn't guard my heart either. Truth is, I liked him a lot. I still do. He had almost every quality I look for in a guy... a strong relationship with the Lord, a passion for people and kids, confidence in himself... almost everything. I'm so tired of BOYS. I want a MAN that will stand up and say "I like you, do you like me back?" In my entire life, that has never ever ever happened. I'm not waiting for the perfect man. I'm just waiting for someone to actually be a man.

I'm sick of being played. I'm sick of winding up with a broken heart for guy after guy after guy. I'm sick of waiting. Sometimes I wish that God would just put a guy in front of me and say "This one is good! Go for it!" And just once, I wish that that guy would have the same feelings for me that I do for him.

While I'm kinda angry, I don't think that he did it on purpose. He's not the type of guy to intentionally hurt someone. In a way, yes, he did lead me on. He gave me signals that I could not have possibly misinterpreted. And by signals, I mean flirty text messages, gifts of my favorite things, saying really sweet things. For those that I've talked to about this, ya'll know just what kind of signals they were. He never acted that way to other girls, even girls that he's known much longer than he's known me. I could have sworn things were going really really well... especially since he told me that he doesn't like rushing into relationships.

I don't know what to do. I want to be friends with him still. I'm cool with being friends with him still. Especially since I know what's up now. At least, I think I can be friends with him still.

How do you heal a broken heart? Is there really anyway other than facing it? I don't want this whole thing to take another six months to get over.

Apparently I need some more practice in reading people.