How Can I Keep From Singing?

I think this is the first time in a long time I have no idea how to start. A lot has happened in the past week... a lot of painful memories and confusing events. When bad things happen, I tend to get somewhat introspective and reserved as I try to sort them out in my mind after I talk to people about them. But something I've learned in the past week is that not everything can be understood. Choices people make, actions people take, and things God allows can't always be comprehended. And that's what hurts so much. So I turn to people that can say what I'm feeling way better than I can. And I generally find them in songs.

I don't pretend to know everything. I don't pretend to grasp why God chooses to move the way that He moves, and why it tends to cause us so much pain. But I find comfort in these words that others have written in times of distress. As I've lain awake at night, trying desperately to find some peace of mind, these songs have gently rocked me to sleep, knowing that I rest in God's grace, and our suffering lasts for but a moment.

Grace- Phil Wickham
The sky is gray, and the light is far,
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved
'Cause I need eyes to be my guide,
I need a voice that's louder than mine
I need hope, and I need You, 'cause I can't do this alone

Grace I call Your name, o won't Your smile fall down on me
I'm cracked and dry, on bended knee
O sweet Grace, rain down on me! I need You, Grace.

I pray for dawn, a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
The darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there's a greater Light shining for us
'Cause I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that's louder than mine,
I need hope, and I need You, 'cause I can't do this alone

I Will Wait For You There- Phil Wickham
I will wait for You there, down on my knees where I met You
Give You all of my cares, find the grace to hold onto now
I'm calling for You
I will wait for You there, far from the world and its violence
It's left me broken and bare, I need to hear You in the silence now
I'm calling for You

And with outstretched arms, I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart will pour out a symphony
Hallelujahs in the morning, hallelujahs in the night
I will wait for You as long as I have life

I will wait for You there, down on my knees where I met You
'Cause life is a war fought with tears, but You are the strength I hold onto now
I'm calling for You

It Is Well With My Soul
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul

My sin, O the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend!
Even so, it is well with my soul.

I Will Lift My Eyes- Bebo Norman
God, my God, I cry out,
Your beloved needs You now
God be near, calm my fears and take my doubts
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the ocean's raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
A melody over me
God right here, all I bring is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lord that I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now.

The Light Will Come- Phil Wickham
To the one with the wounded heart, years of fighting have left you scarred
Wait, the Light will come.
To the one with the distant eyes, all this crying has left you dry
Wait, the Light will come. Wait, the Light will come.

Lift your eyes, the Sun has overcome the night
Come alive as we shine in Love's true light.

Here is laughter in all the tears, here is courage to face your fears
Look, the Light has come.
So rise, you daughters and stand, you sons, claim the victory that Jesus won
Look the Light has come. Look, the Light has come.

Lift your eyes, the Son has overcome the night
Come alive as we shine in Love's sweet light

Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou has been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hands hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.

Arise & Be Comforted- Watermark
Arise, and be comforted, for the Lord
He is good to the weary,
Even the young heart can tire and fall
But He knows them all
For the Lord, He will renew their strength
And they will soar on wings as eagles
And they will run and never grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint
For the Lord, He is good.

Lift your eyes to the heavens
For the Creator is living in you
Come surrender as you are, and know that you'll never stray too far
Let His power within you heal your heart
Lift your eyes to spacious skies
Let Him chart your way of flight
Spread your wings and fly
For the Lord, He is good.

Glory to the newborn King

As normal, protestant, evangelical Christians, we tend to sing the same Christmas carols every year. And as a normal, evangelical Christian raised in a Christian home, I have my set of favorite Christmas carols that I sing every year. The older I get, the more I look at the meaning behind these songs. After all, the birth of Christ is one of the most important doctrines in our belief system.

"Hark the Herald Angels Sing" has become one of those favorites over the last couple of years. Not because it's a catchy, beautiful tune, but because it is so doctrinally heavy. Think about the meaning behind these lyrics.

Hark the herald angels sing,
Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled.
The beauty behind the birth of Christ is that for the first time since the Garden of Eden, God reaches down to man to save him from his sins. It's the basic plan of salvation. Christ's purpose was to reconcile man to God, something that man couldn't do by himself.

Joyful all ye nations rise,
Join the triumph of the skies
With angelic hosts proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem
Christ came not for one nation, but for all nations. The prophets foretold that all nations would be blessed through this savior.

Christ by highest heaven adored,
Christ the everlasting Lord
Late in time behold Him come,
Offspring of a virgin's womb.
This baby born in a manger is the Lord of all the earth. John 1:1 says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." God's promise to David was that his descendants would reign on his throne for all eternity. The virgin birth is also one of the central doctrines of what we believe. Isaiah said, "Behold, the virgin will conceive and bear a son." Over and over again Scripture emphasizes this virgin birth, which preserved Christ's sinless nature.

Mild He lays His glory by,
Born that man no more may die,
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth.
Philippians says that Christ, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant. Can't you just picture it? Christ lays aside the crown in heaven, that he so richly deserves, to come down to this sinful world. His purpose was to die. Jesus said that He came so that we might have life, and have it to the fullness. John 3:16-17 says, "For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." Christ's purpose was to suffer and die so that we could experience eternal life.

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace
Hail the Sun of righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings,
Risen with healing in His wings.
Jesus said that He is the Light of the world. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He said that Light has come into the world, chasing away the darkness of our sins. He is the Great Physician, providing physical healing and spiritual healing from the chains of sin.

Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate Deity!
Pleased as man with men to dwell,
Jesus our Emmanuel!
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. This Word, the Word that was and is and is to come, wrapped himself in flesh and dwelt among us. Our "God with us." God himself, here. It's almost too wonderful to comprehend. People sometimes accuse God of being unconcerned about what goes on here on this planet. But God cared enough to become one of us. Just so he could die to save us.

I wonder how much we really understand about the personhood of this Baby in a manger. This was God, wrapped up in the tiniest of packages. He wasn't born in a palace like he deserved. He was born into poverty. He knew what it was like to be one of us. There was nothing about him to capture our attention. But the blood that pumped through this tiny heart would one day be poured out to save all mankind. The tiny fingers that grasped his mother's had fashioned the earth. The little eyes had seen the face of the Most High. His ears had heard the praises of a thousand angels. This little baby was the great Yahweh, the Great I AM.

This is not something that we should just think about at Christmas. In the words of Charles Dickens, this Baby born in Bethlehem does not live in men's hearts one day of the year but in all the days of the year. Don't think about this little baby just on Christmas. His sacrifice, his love, his wonder, should be present in our minds all year round. Maybe then, we would actually live like it.

Another year gone by...

Yesterday I officially stopped being a teenager. Twenty years ago yesterday, I joined this world (nearly 2 weeks late). It's weird... I feel like I'm getting so old. I mean, I know I'm not, but it's still a surreal feeling.

I was thinking about the past year when I was on the phone with Audrey at the end of my birthday. I can remember last year, when I turned nineteen. So much had already happened. I had just finished my first semester of college, I had started making new friends, and I was happy. Things changed dramatically as the year went on though. I transferred schools again. I fell pretty hard for a guy that broke my heart. I finally found some direction in my life. I made new friends and grew closer to old ones. I lost some friends, and gained some friends. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. And I learned a lot.

I learned a lot about the character of God in this year. It seems like all the hard things I've gone through, all the trials and tribulations that have happened to me, have revealed a part of the character of God. When I transferred schools, God showed me His undying faithfulness, and the promise that He would never leave me or forsake me was renewed again. When I went through the six month ordeal with Ben, God showed me that He is the Lover of my soul, my Pursuer, my Romancer. When I found out my dad would be leaving again to go overseas, God showed me that He is my Provider and my Father.

While this year has been unbelievably hard and emotional, I think I can look back on nineteen as a very good year. I've been blessed with so many close friends who challenge me to be better than I think I can be, who love me unconditionally, and who I can serve with gladness. I've just been blessed with life.

Here's to anticipating another rollercoaster year... so many ups and downs, but thank God I'm never alone.

May all your Christmases be white

This really is the most wonderful time of the year. Lights everywhere (especially here at DBU), hot chocolate, gathering with family and friends, and in the case of Texas, winter drizzle blanketing the ground. But I think this time of year is wonderful for a different reason.

It's about a young girl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, engaged to be married to a carpenter, who gets a surprise visit from an angel with what would seem like bad news. He tells her that she's going to be impregnated by the Holy Spirit even though she's never been with a man, and this little baby is going to be the promised Messiah. Her life is going to change drastically. Because of the culture of the day, she is going to be vilified, outcast, scorned. Everyone around her thinks she couldn't wait. And, speaking as a woman, I know all these things ran circles around her mind. But she didn't freak out like the rest of us would. She simply said, "I am the Lord's servant. Let it be done to me just as you have said." Think about the implications of her acceptance of this fate. She would be branded an adulteress. Jesus might be branded, for lack of a more acceptable term, a bastard son. But she quietly and humbly accepted that this was God's will for her.

It's about a young man, whom the Bible calls "righteous." He's just a carpenter, a poor man, trying to scratch out a living for himself and his new wife. But all that falls apart when she turns up pregnant and says that the baby is from God. What's a guy supposed to think? So he makes the toughest decision of his life. He's going to divorce her, without causing her any public disgrace. (By the way, that's love.) With this in mind, one night he falls asleep, just like normal. But this night is anything but normal. An angel appears to him and tells him that it really is okay to take Mary as his wife. This child within her really was conceived by the Holy Spirit. And what's more, the angel tells her that this child will save His people from their sins. And this young man gets up and does exactly what the angel says. Talk about faith. Joseph was probably in training to be a rabbi, and yet he "throws" it all away. In taking Mary as his wife, he basically said that Jesus really was his son, and that they couldn't wait until the marriage ceremony. He would be just as ostricized as Mary. He gave up his dreams so that he could raise a little child that wasn't biologically his.

It's about another Father. This one could easily see the state of the world. His creation, drowning in their sins, desperately looking for someone to save them from themselves. This Father had lovingly fashioned them out of dirt, knowing that one day they would choose their own selfish desires over Him. And now, because He deemed these fallen creatures so special, He sent His own Son to become one of them.

It's about a baby, born perfect into a sinful world. This tiny baby was the ruler of the entire universe, sitting in glory and might in heaven, one with His Father. This little child had fashioned the world with His hands, had breathed life into humanity, had led the people of Israel out of Egypt. He was there in the beginning. He was with God, and He was God. And yet, because of His strange love for these murdering and conniving creatures, He laid aside the crown that He alone deserved, wrapped Himself in their flesh, and stepped down from His throne to be born into a world that would reject Him and His love. He was willing to make this sacrifice to save the most unworthy people from imminent death. All this, simply because He didn't want to be separated from them for all eternity.

This is why this season is so wonderful. Two thousand years ago, the world heaved and groaned with the expectation of a savior, a military ruler who would conquer the world and bring peace. But they missed His coming, because He came in the tiniest of packages, born into poverty instead of the palace He deserved, born strictly for the purpose of dying for an unworthy world, born to rejection and ridicule. Just as a man brought death into the world, a Man had to bring eternal life. This is why we celebrate this season: Faith in God's promise, hope in His providence, and sacrificial love that conquers even the darkest of sin.

Enchanted

A couple of hours ago I went with my family to watch "Enchanted", the latest Disney fairy tale. It's a cute movie... a very cute movie. An evil queen of Andalasia banishes the beautiful maiden Giselle to the not-so-magical New York City to keep her from marrying the dashing Prince Edward. Giselle meets Robert, an uptight engaged divorce lawyer, and his charming daughter Morgan. In spite of Robert's reluctance, Giselle shows him that sometimes what we call reality isn't all it's cracked up to be, winning his daughter's heart with her optimism. Not exactly what you'd call a thought-provoking plot line. But something deserves a little bit of attention.

I'm not exactly what you'd call an optimist. The older I get, the less I look at the bright side of the world. I find it difficult to believe that two people who get a divorce or are on the way to a divorce will get back together. I see a homeless old man on the side of the road and immediately hold my purse tighter. I'm suspicious of everyone until I get to know them.

I gotta say, to not be suspicious of everyone would be a little naive. But I don't think it should really be this way. Throughout the movie, Robert constantly tells Giselle that fairy tales and true love are not reality. They're not rational. It's better to think through things like love and attraction instead of going with your gut. And I would agree with statements like that, especially in a world like ours.

Part of me doesn't want the world to be like this. I'm not naive, I know that things are the way that they are, and there's not much that's going to change that. But what would the world be like if we lived like that? If we showed kindness to strangers, if we kept a brighter outlook on life, if we weren't immediately suspicious of everyone that crosses our paths. I think that's why I like fairy tales so much. It gives me a break from the cruel realities of the power-driven world around me. I sure hope I don't outgrow this need for a brighter side to life.

Is that a bad thing?

Premonition

Do you ever get those weird feelings like there's something that God's trying to tell you, but it's so off the wall you can't really tell if it's from God or not? I've had that for the past couple of weeks (and no, this is not about a boy, for once). And I have no clue where it's coming from...

I guess I should start from the beginning. I've known I was called to the mission field for about a year now. God grabbed a hold of me last year and showed me very plainly that He wanted me to be a missionary overseas (before you ask, no I don't know where I'm going).

For the past three weeks God has almost continually been reinforcing that call. It started with a chapel about three weeks ago, and they showed a video from The Voice of the Martyrs. This just happened to coincide with UMHB's Missions Emphasis Week. Robyn headed up the Persecution Simulation, and she told me some pretty intense stuff from that, about how about thirty people were "killed" for their faith, and a couple of people even denied Christ. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about persecution, and it keeps coming up. Last Sunday, a guest pastor at the church I've been going to talked about boldly proclaiming the Gospel. The speaker at chapel on Monday talked about ministering to the people around us, and about taking risks for the Good News. And then, today at church the youth pastor talked about understanding that to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

I'm not going to lie... most of this freaks me out a little. I've learned enough about God to know that when things keep coming up like this, there's generally a reason- there's no coincidences when it comes to stuff like this. But I honestly don't know what He's trying to tell me.

I've come to a place now where I know that I'm a soft Christian. My faith has never been tested with someone telling me that I'm absolutely wrong. I've definitely never been told that if I don't deny my Lord someone's going to kill me. I can't help but wonder... if I'm placed in that situation, am I going to deny Jesus? Will I be able to stand up in the face of death and say, "Yes, I believe in Christ, and I don't care what you do to me"? The girls that denied Christ in that persecution simulation probably never thought that they would react that way.

But something else I've come to realize as I was talking to my mom about all of this... The God that we serve is truly a God of grace. If we do deny Christ, we don't lose our salvation. Peter denied Jesus three times, and he went on to establish the church in Rome and eventually be martyred for his faith. Every one of the disciples ran away when Jesus needed them most, and all but one were martyred for their faith. William Tyndale (if I remember right) denied that he was printing Bibles during Bloody Mary's reign, and eventually he was martyred. History is full of examples of second chances.

I have to admit... the thought of dying overseas in very painful ways scares me. I always hoped that one day I would be able to die quietly in my sleep... and who knows, that still might await me. But I'm slowly accepting the idea that "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." If I do have a long life, I have so many more opportunities to serve Him and to share His love with others. If I die, I pray that it will be in a way that glorifies God, and if God is glorified through a painful death, it's okay with me.

Everything...

Wow... that's all I can really say at this point.

Less than five minutes after I posted my last blog, the guy I was talking about texted me and said he wanted to talk. Immediately I hit the panic mode. He didn't say what he wanted to talk about, but I kind of had an idea. So about 20 minutes before I met him, I started praying. I turned on some music and laid out on my floor and prayed as hard as I possibly could.

It's hard to tell exactly what happened next. Josh met me and we went to the side of my dorm and sat on the curb. He told me that he was sorry if he led me on, and that he just didn't have those kind of feelings for me. He said that he cared for me as a sister in Christ and as a friend, but he just didn't feel that way about me. I said that I understood, and that I was okay with still being friends. We parted ways, and I was great for a little while after that. But then the emotions just hit me all at once. I found Kendra in the library and told her what had happened. She looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I said yes, and I would probably cry about it later. And then she looked at me, and tears started coming up in her eyes (apparently I looked upset about it). Then I started crying, and we stood outside Spence for about 20 minutes just crying and talking.

It just hit me all at once that I am still alone. I mean, I'm not alone because God has surrounded me with wonderful friends, but there's a part of me that still longs for that kind of emotional "intimacy" that girls can only get with a guy. It's so hard when there's this desire for a relationship, but you realize that it's not the right time. When I was praying before I talked to him, God told me that He is still not my everything. There's a part of me that is still closed off to His advances and His desire for intimacy. I'm not sure what that part is, but He firmly let me know that until I give everything over to Him, I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship with another man.

There was a CD we listened to tonight in a prayer meeting I went to. It's from Graham Cooke, who did a sermon from God's point of view. In it, he says that God still hasn't loved us the way that He desires to love us, partly because we won't let Him. It hit me all of the sudden that I have closed off a part of myself to everyone around me, including God. I'm still afraid to reveal myself to Him. He can see it, but I think He wants me to realize that I'm holding back. I'm keeping something from Him, when all He wants is to be the greatest Lover that I could ever imagine. He knows me inside and out, and yet I refuse to allow Him to love me. There are barriers around my heart that I didn't even know existed. There are things that I am still wanting more than I'm wanting Him. And until His love and His romance becomes enough for me, I can't have that kind of relationship. As much as I want it, I can't have it.

I'm just burnt out on life right now. I take two steps forward and three steps backward. I keep having the same struggles that I thought I had beaten months ago. There's so much that I want that seems so contradictory. I want my Lord to be everything to me, but there are still other things that I feel that I want just as much. I feel emotionally and spiritually drained. Can there ever be peace?

I want to want Jesus. I want to want Him to pursue me. I want to want Him to break down every single barrier I've put up around my heart. I want to want Him to romance me. I want to want Him to pursue me. I long to be able to love Him like He deserves to be loved. I want Him to be my Everything, my All... how long can I stay here with these barriers up when He's knocking at my door?
~~~~~~~~~~
Find me here, speak to me,
I want to feel You, I need to hear You,
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... You're everything

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?

You calm the storms, You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?

Cause You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything...

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could there be any better than this?