I don't really get to say this too often.
Chapel Wednesday was absolutely, positively amazing.
I haven't exactly been challenged recently in my walk with Christ. You see, I go to a church that is... well... struggling. They're much more preoccupied with trying to find a pastor that meets the needs of the over-fifty crowd, and they're not too concerned with making sure that the younger college students, like myself, get fed. To be completely honest, I started going to the church so that I could play music and sing again, not because the preaching was awe-inspiring. And, in all actuality, there are maybe two or three people there that are concerned about our spiritual well-being at all.
Because of this, I've been feeling really empty lately. It's like all the passion built up inside of me from last semester just dissipated. And I have no idea where it went. I don't want to get up for church. I definitely, especially don't want to go to chapel. Except for Wednesday.
The reason I'm prefacing a blog about chapel like this is because I'm just amazed at how God sends along an incredible message exactly when I needed to hear it. I wasn't even planning on going to chapel on Wednesday. I had to get up incredibly early to take a 7:30 shuttle shift for a friend, and I'd only gotten about five hours of sleep that night. I was exhausted, and I figured that chapel would just be as mundane and unimaginative as usual.
But then I found out from a guy in my history class that Josh Patterson, one of the executive pastors at the Village, was going to be speaking. I decided at the last minute to go. And I'm so glad I did.
Grace.
He talked about grace. And it was so... incredible to hear that part of his testimony. See, he didn't operate under the "true love waits" policy before he got married, partly because he didn't grow up in an environment where that was emphasized. His wife did. His wife went to a doctor and found out that he'd given her a disease that could only have come from his sordid past. His wife, the innocent party in the whole mess, got sick because of his mistake. But she didn't blame him, even though she could've. She showed him grace.
And I got convicted. Very, very convicted.
Because, in struggling with this loss of passion, I've also been struggling with something much more subversive.
I've been struggling with lust.
Man, that feels so good, getting that out in the open.
I've been struggling with my thought life. I won't go into any details, but it should suffice to say that it's been an issue for well over a year. Not about anyone in particular, nothing out in the open, but I have a bad habit of letting my imagination get away from me. And that's a sin. Christ said so. He said, "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Substitute the word "man" for "woman" and "him" for "her", and you get my sin.
My sin is just as bad as someone who commits murder. Sin is sin in the eyes of the Lord. Even though it's not out in the open, it's still sin. And it still deserves to be punished, just like someone who commits murder or adultery or whatever.
But what I realized, listening to him talk, was that I've been shown just the same measure of grace that he has. My sin was nailed on the cross next to his, and because God chose me from the foundations of the earth, my sin has been forgiven, just like his. I have been saved by grace, because I was dead in my transgressions. I am a child of the King, though I was once a slave to darkness. Even though I continually struggle with this sin, it has been covered by the blood of the Lamb.
So let me take this to the next logical step. If I have been saved by grace, shouldn't I show the same amount of grace to a brother or sister that harms me? I have no right to be self-righteous, even to someone whose sin is not so latent. Can I really have the audacity to deny someone forgiveness just because they did something to hurt me? In the words of Paul, God forbid! I cannot, by the laws of grace, hold a brother or sister in judgment. I forgive because I've been forgiven.
And in thinking about all of this, I realize that I've been incredibly self-righteous. I have a terrible tendency to point out the faults of others, whether it's swearing or immorality or whatever. In reality, I have no right to sit in judgment of the sins of others. Judgment is in the hands of God, and not in mine. I have the obligation to show my brothers and sisters, and even those that don't believe, the same magnitude of grace that I've been shown.
Because, grace is unmerited favor. I sure didn't deserve it. I sure know people that didn't deserve it. But it was given to me anyway.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Declaration of Independence
Happy 4th of July, everyone!
I know that today is the day for barbecues and fireworks and pool parties, but let's think for a minute about what this day is supposed to mean for us Americans. Regardless of political beliefs, today is the day that we celebrate our independence, our freedom. And I think that this deserves some thought in between all the pool parties and hamburgers.
Most of us have had American history at some point in our lives, so we know about the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the Revolutionary War. But did you know that America is an anomaly in the world? We are the only country to have ever had a successful revolution that established a permanent form of government. The French revolution failed, and Napoleon took over as a dictator. The Cuban revolution brought in Castro. I'd say we're pretty blessed to have made it this far, despite our young history.
The Declaration of Independence is one of the greatest documents in history, up there with the Magna Carta. Jefferson was a master of words. Lines like "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" have become the cornerstone for our system of law and government. Later, the Constitution of the United States became the backbone for law, the ruler by which all legal and political decisions in our country have been measured for the past 250 years. But even the Constitution is based on this great document, one that established America as an independent nation.
The 4th of July celebrates the Declaration of Independence. This document made the King of England realize that we wouldn't back down, that we had expectations of freedom, and that we were willing to die to gain that freedom. And that attitude of freedom has prevailed for the past 250 years. But I would argue that America's independence was not gained through this magnificent document. In fact, the United States of America did not become a nation until 1781, when General Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington. No, American independence does not rest on any document. American independence was won, and is still being won, by the men that died to make it the most powerful nation in the world.
We enjoy the freedom to speak our opinions, the freedom to worship whatever God we please, the freedom to bear arms and confront our accusers because of those patriots that died in the American revolution. We enjoy this freedom because of those men that fought to keep our independence in the War of 1812. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that fought to keep the Union together and free the slaves, and the men that fought for their ideals, in the Civil War. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that died in the trenches in World War I. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that were decimated in World War II in order to stop a homicidal, megalomanaical madman who murdered 6 million Jews and more than 1 million people of other races and creeds. We enjoy this freedom because of the men that sacrificed themselves for an unpopular war in Vietnam. And we still enjoy this freedom today, because of the men and women fighting another unpopular war in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Regardless of your political beliefs, these men and women deserve to be appreciated, thanked, and supported. They fight for our independence, carrying on the great tradition begun in 1776. They fight for the ideal that all men are created equal. They fight so that you can sleep safe and comfortable at night. They fight so tht you can choose whether to support the war or not.
I'm proud of my dad, a soldier who is overseas now protecting our country. I'm proud of my friends that have been overseas, fulfilling their duty to this country. I'm proud of all our soldiers, past and present, who give up everything for God and country. So today, when you're eating your barbecue and watching the pretty fireworks, remember those men and women that have died to protect your freedom and my freedom. Remember those men that risked their lives to build this country into what it is. And thank God that you have the freedom to eat your barbecue and watch your fireworks.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Captivate Me
I'm complacent.
I've come to that conclusion recently. I'm incredibly complacent.
My spiritual life is wonderful when I'm at school. When my friends are here, when I have daily theological conversations, when I'm constantly surrounded by the Word. But when everyone goes home, when I don't have daily contact with my core group of friends, my spiritual life goes down the tubes. And I feel it. I feel it in my very being.
A few minutes ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop having yet another theological discussion with a friend who came in for the evening (I'm still sitting in said coffee shop, but my friend is playing his guitar right now, so we're not conversing). And I suddenly realized that I can't remember the last time I read my Bible. I can't remember the last time I prayed. I can't even remember the last time I spent quality time with God.
I miss the feeling of just being captivated by the Lord. I miss the wonder of seeing His face on a daily basis, of going to my friends with a problem or a theological issue. It's not totally bad, since I do have some friends that are still here. It's not like I'm necessarily doing anything bad... I still go to church and everything. But it feels like a facade, a mask that I put on. And I hate it. I hate not being real with myself, with my friends, and with God. There's just no desire whatsoever, no passion, no real love for being in His presence.
It's a sad statement to my faith if I have to rely on friends to keep me accountable. It's a sad statement to my spiritual health if I can't even take the time to read my Bible or, heck, even play a worship song in the privacy of my room.
You know what I just realized? I'm in a desert of my own making. And yet... somehow I feel like... I don't know. Maybe God needs me to be in this place to finally get my attention again. I'm a stubborn person. It's one of my less-desirable qualities.
So here I am, figuratively on my knees, waiting for You to come and captivate me. Take all of the thoughts I've been having that aren't glorifying to You. Take all my selfish desires. Take all my complacency. I need passion again. I need desire.
-------------
Your face is beautiful, and Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing, there inside the scars
Your loving arms, they draw me near, and Your smile, it brings me peace
Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You
Devastate us with Your presence, falling down,
Rushing River, draw us nearer,
Holy Fountain, consume us with You
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.
Your voice is powerful, and Your words are radiant bright
In Your breath and shadow, I will come close and abide
You whisper love and life divine, and Your fellowship is free
Draw me closer, O my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You
Devastate us, with Your presence, falling down
Rushing River, draw us nearer
Holy Fountain, consume us with You
Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.
And let everything be lost in the shadow
Of the light of Your face
And let every chain be broken from me
As I'm bound in Your grace
For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light
You're full of wisdom, power, and might
And every eye will see You.
--Captivate Us, by Watermark
Monday, May 12, 2008
Evangelical Manifesto?
When I'm bored at work, I like to surf the Web for some interesting news articles, and this one takes the cake on interesting. I ran across an article in the Dallas Morning News religion blog that interviews Os Guinness about a new "Evangelical Manifesto" that was published last week. It caught my eye because we just finished reading his book "The Call" in our DCM class, and much of the stuff in there caught my eye. His point in the book is that, as Christians, we are called by God to live out the nature of grace in our lives. His call is central to our very existence as Christians, first to surrender ourselves to His will, and second to live out that grace in a day-to-day life in our dealings with others. Careers, occupations, and things of that nature may not necessarily be a part of our vocation, our call to service Christ. So after discussing that, I realized that I like what he has to say. I think that it's very very Biblically based, theologically sound. So when I saw that he had been one of the people to write the "Evangelical Manifesto", I got curious.
Another reason I got curious was because we had studied the Evangelical movement in my American Church History class this semester. It's a curious thing... this movement. It was designed to get away from the radical Fundamentalist movement that portrayed God as vengeful and not loving (of course, He is a wrathful God because He's holy, but that's another issue altogether).
It's a good read. It has some very good points as far as finally settling doctrinal issues that evangelicals have been struggling over for months. The Church in America is suffering. It's on the brink of collapse, as a matter of fact. We don't know what we believe. We don't know doctrine, we don't know Scripture, and ultimately we have no idea of what God desires us to be. It's laxidaisical, lazy, apathetic, and just plain screwed up. We've focused far more on privatizing our religion and getting people in the doors than discipling them in accordance with Scripture ("teaching them all that I have commanded you".) We don't know theology. We don't know Christology. We don't know anything. And it's frustrating.
We also don't know how to get along with other people. We're so focused on saying that we're right and they're wrong that we forget how to civilly dialogue with someone from another religion or even another denomination. This Manifesto calls for a civil public square-- where we can discuss our different opinions with civility and gentleness, like we're called to do ("Always be ready to give an answer for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.") Too many fundamentalist Christians (*cough* Pat Robertson *cough*) just end up putting a bad name on Christianity by calling for assassinations or protesting gay marriage outside funerals for fallen soldiers. Every time they open their mouths it's to take out their foot and stick the other one in. There's a time and a place to vote against moral measures, and there's no time or place to publicly call for Christians to pressure the government into assassination. So many non-Christians look at these kind of actions and reject Christianity altogether, simply because it's a bad representation of what a relationship with Christ really means.
By calling for a civil public square, this Manifesto puts religion back into the public light, since it has been hidden in the darkness of privatization for way too long. My faith is not private. My faith is a part of who I am... my Jesus and His call are all that I am. Neither should we make other religions privatize their faith in favor of our own. I hate to tell you this, but America was never founded on Christianity. It was founded on the concept of religious liberty, for all religions. Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, agnostics, atheists, Christians, Sikhs, Taoists, Shintos, and religions I can't even think of... all religions are supposed to have the freedom to practice their religion (as long as it doesn't transgress civil law, i.e. ritual human sacrifice) and to freely speak about it (see the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States). It's what sets our nation apart from other nations, because we don't have one single religion that it recognized above all the others. I'm tired of the Pat Robertsons of this country calling for us to return to our Christian roots. I'm tired of the Jerry Falwells of this country calling for everyone to automatically become Christian, because it's the American thing to do. They may be wrong, but it's not our place to tell them to give up their beliefs without a shred of evidence why they should. The Gospel of Christ is compelling, the grace of God is irresistible, and we are His messengers... but we are not His enforcers. We do not convert anyone. The Holy Spirit converts people, with or without us. We tend to speak out of both sides of our mouths on this point. We say that we should be given the forum to speak, but no one else is allowed the same forum.
Secondly, this Manifesto calls for us to de-politicize religion. Nowadays, unless you're a part of a certain party, you're pretty close to being called a heretic! Our allegiance is not to any party platform, civil group, world cause, or anything of the sort. Our allegiance is to Christ and Christ alone, to His Gospel and the spread of it, to preaching freedom in Christ and redemption through His blood. We've forgotten that in modern America. This is not to say that we should remove ourselves from all politics. In fact, we should be involved in getting a Christian voice into major issues. We're called to stand up for injustice, the weak of society, the millions of murdered unborn babies, the victims of horrific genocide. It's what Jesus did. But Christianity is not a weapon for political points, to use Guinness's words. We're not to use the Bible to get across a political message. We're not to become terrorists for Jesus. There is a method to getting what needs to be done in politics. It's called voting. It's called litigation. It's called lobbying. Not simply on the basis of "Well, Jesus said so," but on the basis of "It's morally right." Christianity is to never, ever, ever be synonymous with one party or another.
I don't know about you, but I am so ready to be taught what I believe. I'm ready for someone to finally stand up and say, "The church in America needs help." I think that this Manifesto is a good thing (I wished they had picked another term... anything other than Manifesto. I have visions of Communism when they say that.). It's a call to change the way that we think. It's a call to change the way that we behave. It points out things that are wrong with our Church these days. It's a call to get back to actually understanding theology and examining what the Bible really says. It finally stands up to say that Fundamentalism got things wrong, and Liberalism got things wrong. It stands up and says that it's time for civil dialogue between Christians and other religions in this world.
But don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.
http://www.anevangelicalmanifesto.com/docs/Evangelical_Manifesto.pdf
Another reason I got curious was because we had studied the Evangelical movement in my American Church History class this semester. It's a curious thing... this movement. It was designed to get away from the radical Fundamentalist movement that portrayed God as vengeful and not loving (of course, He is a wrathful God because He's holy, but that's another issue altogether).
It's a good read. It has some very good points as far as finally settling doctrinal issues that evangelicals have been struggling over for months. The Church in America is suffering. It's on the brink of collapse, as a matter of fact. We don't know what we believe. We don't know doctrine, we don't know Scripture, and ultimately we have no idea of what God desires us to be. It's laxidaisical, lazy, apathetic, and just plain screwed up. We've focused far more on privatizing our religion and getting people in the doors than discipling them in accordance with Scripture ("teaching them all that I have commanded you".) We don't know theology. We don't know Christology. We don't know anything. And it's frustrating.
We also don't know how to get along with other people. We're so focused on saying that we're right and they're wrong that we forget how to civilly dialogue with someone from another religion or even another denomination. This Manifesto calls for a civil public square-- where we can discuss our different opinions with civility and gentleness, like we're called to do ("Always be ready to give an answer for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.") Too many fundamentalist Christians (*cough* Pat Robertson *cough*) just end up putting a bad name on Christianity by calling for assassinations or protesting gay marriage outside funerals for fallen soldiers. Every time they open their mouths it's to take out their foot and stick the other one in. There's a time and a place to vote against moral measures, and there's no time or place to publicly call for Christians to pressure the government into assassination. So many non-Christians look at these kind of actions and reject Christianity altogether, simply because it's a bad representation of what a relationship with Christ really means.
By calling for a civil public square, this Manifesto puts religion back into the public light, since it has been hidden in the darkness of privatization for way too long. My faith is not private. My faith is a part of who I am... my Jesus and His call are all that I am. Neither should we make other religions privatize their faith in favor of our own. I hate to tell you this, but America was never founded on Christianity. It was founded on the concept of religious liberty, for all religions. Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, agnostics, atheists, Christians, Sikhs, Taoists, Shintos, and religions I can't even think of... all religions are supposed to have the freedom to practice their religion (as long as it doesn't transgress civil law, i.e. ritual human sacrifice) and to freely speak about it (see the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States). It's what sets our nation apart from other nations, because we don't have one single religion that it recognized above all the others. I'm tired of the Pat Robertsons of this country calling for us to return to our Christian roots. I'm tired of the Jerry Falwells of this country calling for everyone to automatically become Christian, because it's the American thing to do. They may be wrong, but it's not our place to tell them to give up their beliefs without a shred of evidence why they should. The Gospel of Christ is compelling, the grace of God is irresistible, and we are His messengers... but we are not His enforcers. We do not convert anyone. The Holy Spirit converts people, with or without us. We tend to speak out of both sides of our mouths on this point. We say that we should be given the forum to speak, but no one else is allowed the same forum.
Secondly, this Manifesto calls for us to de-politicize religion. Nowadays, unless you're a part of a certain party, you're pretty close to being called a heretic! Our allegiance is not to any party platform, civil group, world cause, or anything of the sort. Our allegiance is to Christ and Christ alone, to His Gospel and the spread of it, to preaching freedom in Christ and redemption through His blood. We've forgotten that in modern America. This is not to say that we should remove ourselves from all politics. In fact, we should be involved in getting a Christian voice into major issues. We're called to stand up for injustice, the weak of society, the millions of murdered unborn babies, the victims of horrific genocide. It's what Jesus did. But Christianity is not a weapon for political points, to use Guinness's words. We're not to use the Bible to get across a political message. We're not to become terrorists for Jesus. There is a method to getting what needs to be done in politics. It's called voting. It's called litigation. It's called lobbying. Not simply on the basis of "Well, Jesus said so," but on the basis of "It's morally right." Christianity is to never, ever, ever be synonymous with one party or another.
I don't know about you, but I am so ready to be taught what I believe. I'm ready for someone to finally stand up and say, "The church in America needs help." I think that this Manifesto is a good thing (I wished they had picked another term... anything other than Manifesto. I have visions of Communism when they say that.). It's a call to change the way that we think. It's a call to change the way that we behave. It points out things that are wrong with our Church these days. It's a call to get back to actually understanding theology and examining what the Bible really says. It finally stands up to say that Fundamentalism got things wrong, and Liberalism got things wrong. It stands up and says that it's time for civil dialogue between Christians and other religions in this world.
But don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.
http://www.anevangelicalmanifesto.com/docs/Evangelical_Manifesto.pdf
Thursday, May 8, 2008
With a song in my heart...
So I mentioned before that when bad things happen, I turn to music (Scriptural music, that is). I don't really know why that is, but for some reason, God always shows me a song that He wants me to consider when things start to go wrong in my life. And lately, that's been a lot of stuff.
I sat down about 3 weeks after Mrs. Marks died and begged God for the words to write a song for the way I was feeling. It seemed to me like everything that I had been feeling could be summed up in "Bring it on." I think I figured out that when things go wrong, God's trying to bring out a lesson for me. He's teaching me something about His character that I need to know. And what came to me was that, yes, it's okay to go through tough times in life. It's beneficial for us as Christians to face trials, because it teaches us to lean on Him for strength that we can't get anywhere else. And the way that I figure it, going through trials is okay by me, as long as God is there to protect my soul. So this is the product of that night.
Bring On the Storm-- Chris Johnston
Sometimes my life just makes no sense at all
The mountains before me seem just way too tall
I can't see in front, and I can't look behind
I can't seem to shake these doubts that plague my mind
So I'll cling to the love I can't comprehend
Claiming the blood that freed me from sin
So bring on the storm, bring on the rain
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul
I look for something to bring me some peace
I seek for someone to wipe these tears from my cheeks
I pray for mercy to come and make me whole
It's only Your mercy that fills this void in my soul
Though the wind howls around my battered form
I'll hold to the strength that can calm this storm
So let the lightning flash and the thunder roll
Let the rain pour down and make me whole again
Bring on the storm, bring on the rain,
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul
That song has been playing in my mind for the past couple of weeks, even when all that stuff went down with John last week. Though we may face trials of many kinds, God will never give us more than we can bear. Over the past month or so, He's given me more songs to hold onto during this time... they really speak peace over my life at this point.
This next song has been playing in my mind for the past 2 months or so, ever since... well, this semester from hell began.
Hold Me Jesus-Rich Mullins
Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big and my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I beat my head against so many walls, now I'm falling down,
Falling on my knees
And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep, makes my resistance seem so thin
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace
I adopted this next song by Rich Mullins a long time ago as kind of my life song... and it's held special meaning for me today. Nothing on earth should hold my allegiance but Him. If I'm going to stand, I'm going to stand on His grace and power and knowledge that He will indeed pull me through.
If I Stand
There's more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
There's more than this fire here that keeps me warm
And a shelter that is larger than this room
And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things
So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That You will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There's more that dances on the prairie than the wind
And more that pulses in the ocean than the tide
There's a love that's fiercer than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother when her baby's at her side.
And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things.
Here's a kind of new hymn for me... it's the one I want playing at my funeral (if it's still around when I die). I still get chills every time I hear this song. I love the theological soundness of this song, and the tenacity of each of these statements. They are a firm statement on whom I will place my trust, and a bold declaration of where my hope lies.
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love! What depths of peace!
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All-in-All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!
All of these songs have been teaching me about God and His grace. I have been shown such unmerited favor, that when hard times come, I can't help but hold strong so that my God will still be glorified. Each of these songs has a common theme... In Christ's love, God's goodness, and the Holy Spirit's power I will stand until He moves me. And I will continually praise Him, with His Word on my lips and His song in my heart.
I sat down about 3 weeks after Mrs. Marks died and begged God for the words to write a song for the way I was feeling. It seemed to me like everything that I had been feeling could be summed up in "Bring it on." I think I figured out that when things go wrong, God's trying to bring out a lesson for me. He's teaching me something about His character that I need to know. And what came to me was that, yes, it's okay to go through tough times in life. It's beneficial for us as Christians to face trials, because it teaches us to lean on Him for strength that we can't get anywhere else. And the way that I figure it, going through trials is okay by me, as long as God is there to protect my soul. So this is the product of that night.
Bring On the Storm-- Chris Johnston
Sometimes my life just makes no sense at all
The mountains before me seem just way too tall
I can't see in front, and I can't look behind
I can't seem to shake these doubts that plague my mind
So I'll cling to the love I can't comprehend
Claiming the blood that freed me from sin
So bring on the storm, bring on the rain
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul
I look for something to bring me some peace
I seek for someone to wipe these tears from my cheeks
I pray for mercy to come and make me whole
It's only Your mercy that fills this void in my soul
Though the wind howls around my battered form
I'll hold to the strength that can calm this storm
So let the lightning flash and the thunder roll
Let the rain pour down and make me whole again
Bring on the storm, bring on the rain,
Let it wash away all my pain
'Cause it's through the rain I am made whole
So bring on the storm and cover my soul
That song has been playing in my mind for the past couple of weeks, even when all that stuff went down with John last week. Though we may face trials of many kinds, God will never give us more than we can bear. Over the past month or so, He's given me more songs to hold onto during this time... they really speak peace over my life at this point.
This next song has been playing in my mind for the past 2 months or so, ever since... well, this semester from hell began.
Hold Me Jesus-Rich Mullins
Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big and my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I beat my head against so many walls, now I'm falling down,
Falling on my knees
And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep, makes my resistance seem so thin
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace
I adopted this next song by Rich Mullins a long time ago as kind of my life song... and it's held special meaning for me today. Nothing on earth should hold my allegiance but Him. If I'm going to stand, I'm going to stand on His grace and power and knowledge that He will indeed pull me through.
If I Stand
There's more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
There's more than this fire here that keeps me warm
And a shelter that is larger than this room
And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things
So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That You will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There's more that dances on the prairie than the wind
And more that pulses in the ocean than the tide
There's a love that's fiercer than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother when her baby's at her side.
And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things.
Here's a kind of new hymn for me... it's the one I want playing at my funeral (if it's still around when I die). I still get chills every time I hear this song. I love the theological soundness of this song, and the tenacity of each of these statements. They are a firm statement on whom I will place my trust, and a bold declaration of where my hope lies.
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love! What depths of peace!
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All-in-All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!
All of these songs have been teaching me about God and His grace. I have been shown such unmerited favor, that when hard times come, I can't help but hold strong so that my God will still be glorified. Each of these songs has a common theme... In Christ's love, God's goodness, and the Holy Spirit's power I will stand until He moves me. And I will continually praise Him, with His Word on my lips and His song in my heart.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Can the Godly MAN please stand up?
I love how, when it seems like nothing else in my life can go wrong, something does. Sometimes it just seems like God loves to do that to us down here (before I get yelled at, I know it's not true). The last semester has, without a doubt, been my most emotionally taxing semester to date. It starts with an attempted suicide, losing a good friend, my dad leaving for war, my teacher dying, my parents maybe moving and me losing my free tuition, and now... I get played yet again. For the third time in 2 years. Is it just me, or is there something wrong with that?!
At least, that's how it seems to me.
So I had been sort of talking to this guy at school since Israel. While we were on our trip, we talked all the time, he'd come by my room and we'd go exploring with our roommates, we either sat next to each other or close to each other on the bus or at dinner... and it seemed to be going really well. I knew he had an ex-girlfriend that he was unsure about, but it didn't really bother me all that much. I figured that he'd get over her eventually. Apparently I was dead wrong.
We hung out solid for six weeks after we got back from Israel. At least once a week. Sometimes more. On the trip, he found out I love red Starburst, and one day he brought me some and said that he bought them earlier and thought of me, and he wanted to give them to me. On the trip, he found out I love fresh strawberries, and he brought me some when we went to church together. He'd say really sweet things, like how he was surprised that there were no boys in my church growing up if I was there. Or how I looked nice on a certain day. Or how I had a really nice smile, and if it came out more often when he was around we should keep hanging out. Stuff that no guy, not even my best guy-friends, say to me. I knew he was still hanging out with his ex, but he told me that they were still friends and he liked to hang out with her. Little did I know, huh.
So the other night we were hanging out, doing homework in the library when the power died. We couldn't see to do homework, so we sat in the dark and looked at pictures on our laptops before they died too. He was showing me pictures of the Rangers games he'd been to, and one came up of him and his ex. He said something like how he was really excited to see her that day, because he hadn't seen her in a while. So I kinda got to thinking that something was up. I knew something was up before this went down, but now I really got a suspicion. We finally left the library because it was dark and hot and his computer died, and he walked with me back to my dorm. I finally got up the courage to ask him if I could ask him a question, so I asked him if he and his girlfriend were talking about getting back together. He said, "Yeah. I want to, but she's still trying to decide if she can deal with the whole military thing."
You would think that I'd be a little upset about it. But I wasn't. Not at first. We went down by the pond by the apartments, and I played a couple of songs on my guitar. A couple of minutes later, he got up to leave so he could do homework and I said, "Ok. I'll just play a little more down here." He said, "I'm sorry if I misled you or anything. I still like hanging out with you." I said, "It's ok. Your heart is where your heart is." So he hugged me and I told him, "I hope [your ex] knows that she's a very lucky girl." After I played another song, I went to Borders with some friends to watch a movie, and he called me while we were there to check on me and make sure I was ok.
I guess it's a blessing in disguise, in a way. At least now I know where I stand with him, for now. And I don't know what the future is, so something could happen later. It still doesn't dampen the pain and the heartbreak.
I wrote a Facebook note with the title of this blog at the beginning of last summer, when everything with Ben went down. I guess this latest situation reminded me of that. I admit my part in what went wrong. I screwed up and didn't guard my heart. He screwed up and didn't guard my heart either. Truth is, I liked him a lot. I still do. He had almost every quality I look for in a guy... a strong relationship with the Lord, a passion for people and kids, confidence in himself... almost everything. I'm so tired of BOYS. I want a MAN that will stand up and say "I like you, do you like me back?" In my entire life, that has never ever ever happened. I'm not waiting for the perfect man. I'm just waiting for someone to actually be a man.
I'm sick of being played. I'm sick of winding up with a broken heart for guy after guy after guy. I'm sick of waiting. Sometimes I wish that God would just put a guy in front of me and say "This one is good! Go for it!" And just once, I wish that that guy would have the same feelings for me that I do for him.
While I'm kinda angry, I don't think that he did it on purpose. He's not the type of guy to intentionally hurt someone. In a way, yes, he did lead me on. He gave me signals that I could not have possibly misinterpreted. And by signals, I mean flirty text messages, gifts of my favorite things, saying really sweet things. For those that I've talked to about this, ya'll know just what kind of signals they were. He never acted that way to other girls, even girls that he's known much longer than he's known me. I could have sworn things were going really really well... especially since he told me that he doesn't like rushing into relationships.
I don't know what to do. I want to be friends with him still. I'm cool with being friends with him still. Especially since I know what's up now. At least, I think I can be friends with him still.
How do you heal a broken heart? Is there really anyway other than facing it? I don't want this whole thing to take another six months to get over.
Apparently I need some more practice in reading people.
At least, that's how it seems to me.
So I had been sort of talking to this guy at school since Israel. While we were on our trip, we talked all the time, he'd come by my room and we'd go exploring with our roommates, we either sat next to each other or close to each other on the bus or at dinner... and it seemed to be going really well. I knew he had an ex-girlfriend that he was unsure about, but it didn't really bother me all that much. I figured that he'd get over her eventually. Apparently I was dead wrong.
We hung out solid for six weeks after we got back from Israel. At least once a week. Sometimes more. On the trip, he found out I love red Starburst, and one day he brought me some and said that he bought them earlier and thought of me, and he wanted to give them to me. On the trip, he found out I love fresh strawberries, and he brought me some when we went to church together. He'd say really sweet things, like how he was surprised that there were no boys in my church growing up if I was there. Or how I looked nice on a certain day. Or how I had a really nice smile, and if it came out more often when he was around we should keep hanging out. Stuff that no guy, not even my best guy-friends, say to me. I knew he was still hanging out with his ex, but he told me that they were still friends and he liked to hang out with her. Little did I know, huh.
So the other night we were hanging out, doing homework in the library when the power died. We couldn't see to do homework, so we sat in the dark and looked at pictures on our laptops before they died too. He was showing me pictures of the Rangers games he'd been to, and one came up of him and his ex. He said something like how he was really excited to see her that day, because he hadn't seen her in a while. So I kinda got to thinking that something was up. I knew something was up before this went down, but now I really got a suspicion. We finally left the library because it was dark and hot and his computer died, and he walked with me back to my dorm. I finally got up the courage to ask him if I could ask him a question, so I asked him if he and his girlfriend were talking about getting back together. He said, "Yeah. I want to, but she's still trying to decide if she can deal with the whole military thing."
You would think that I'd be a little upset about it. But I wasn't. Not at first. We went down by the pond by the apartments, and I played a couple of songs on my guitar. A couple of minutes later, he got up to leave so he could do homework and I said, "Ok. I'll just play a little more down here." He said, "I'm sorry if I misled you or anything. I still like hanging out with you." I said, "It's ok. Your heart is where your heart is." So he hugged me and I told him, "I hope [your ex] knows that she's a very lucky girl." After I played another song, I went to Borders with some friends to watch a movie, and he called me while we were there to check on me and make sure I was ok.
I guess it's a blessing in disguise, in a way. At least now I know where I stand with him, for now. And I don't know what the future is, so something could happen later. It still doesn't dampen the pain and the heartbreak.
I wrote a Facebook note with the title of this blog at the beginning of last summer, when everything with Ben went down. I guess this latest situation reminded me of that. I admit my part in what went wrong. I screwed up and didn't guard my heart. He screwed up and didn't guard my heart either. Truth is, I liked him a lot. I still do. He had almost every quality I look for in a guy... a strong relationship with the Lord, a passion for people and kids, confidence in himself... almost everything. I'm so tired of BOYS. I want a MAN that will stand up and say "I like you, do you like me back?" In my entire life, that has never ever ever happened. I'm not waiting for the perfect man. I'm just waiting for someone to actually be a man.
I'm sick of being played. I'm sick of winding up with a broken heart for guy after guy after guy. I'm sick of waiting. Sometimes I wish that God would just put a guy in front of me and say "This one is good! Go for it!" And just once, I wish that that guy would have the same feelings for me that I do for him.
While I'm kinda angry, I don't think that he did it on purpose. He's not the type of guy to intentionally hurt someone. In a way, yes, he did lead me on. He gave me signals that I could not have possibly misinterpreted. And by signals, I mean flirty text messages, gifts of my favorite things, saying really sweet things. For those that I've talked to about this, ya'll know just what kind of signals they were. He never acted that way to other girls, even girls that he's known much longer than he's known me. I could have sworn things were going really really well... especially since he told me that he doesn't like rushing into relationships.
I don't know what to do. I want to be friends with him still. I'm cool with being friends with him still. Especially since I know what's up now. At least, I think I can be friends with him still.
How do you heal a broken heart? Is there really anyway other than facing it? I don't want this whole thing to take another six months to get over.
Apparently I need some more practice in reading people.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Three Weeks Later
It has been three weeks since my world got shaken up yet again. Somehow I feel like I've been in a fog since Mrs. Marks passed away. I seem to function normally... I go to classes, I hang out with friends, I laugh, I sing, I worship. But it's still empty... everything except my worship now. That's the only thing that is constant in my life at the moment. It's like, instinctively I know that Jesus is the only thing that makes sense in this kind of situation. I love chilling with my friends (one in particular, of course), and it keeps my mind off it, but it's like there's so much that I need to get off my chest that I'm holding in.
There's a huge void in my heart now, and I didn't even know that she had filled it. I was close with her while I was in high school (she was one of my absolute favorite teachers), but over the past couple of years, since I graduated, I didn't get to see her that much. I would always make sure I gave her a hug and talked with her a little bit whenever I went up to school, but those trips became fewer and more far between after last year.
The only place I can think of turning to is Jesus. I was thinking about it last night as I was trying to write a song for these three weeks. As empty as I feel, as pointless as this death seems, the only thing that I could think of saying to God was "Bring it on." I think somewhere in the back of my mind I realized last night that this storm makes me trust Him more. When nothing in my life makes sense, I know that this situation is growing me as a person and as a Christian. He's all I have left to hold onto, and I have to resolve that the wind and the rain is not going to loosen my grip on Him or His grip on me. His mercy and His grace are the only things that can make my heart whole again, but it's through that rain falling down on me that I am washed clean from all my grief and shame.
I can almost hear God saying to me what He said to Job: "Who are you to question My plan?" If I can't trust God in EVERY circumstance, my faith, my life, my salvation means nothing. God didn't call me to trust Him in just the good times. He called me to take up my cross daily and follow Him, leaving everything behind that I held dear. He said that narrow is the road that leads to eternal life. He promised that the road would get rocky at times, and that I would walk through the darkness where a million other voices would compete for my attention. But He also said that He would be a lamp for my feet and a light to my path. He promised that He would be the Prince of Peace, a Wonderful Counselor. He promised that nothing could ever pluck me out of His hand. He promised that He would never leave me or forsake me. And most of all, He said that death has no more victory, and the grave has no more claim on my life because Christ rose from the dead and is now seated at the right hand of God the Father. I believe those promises. It's the only place I can put my hope. Christ is the only hope for me now.
Three weeks. A lot has happened in three weeks. There's so much good that has come out of a really bad situation that it's impossible to deny God's hand in it. From what I've heard, two people have accepted Christ as a result of Mrs. Marks' death. The classes at the high school are finally banding together, acting as each other's support pillars. The Ovilla students here at DBU have come together to support each other, and to pray for each other. The teachers have gathered around her husband and son to be there for them. People have come together all over the country to be a support for everyone grieving. And most of all, I can see it's effects in my own life. I have something spurring me on now... just to make her proud of me. I want to be an encouragement for the students at Ovilla (a place that I just wanted to get out of). I want to make her proud of the woman I have become, and proud of the woman I will become. If I can have half the impact in my lifetime that she had during her short 32 years on this planet, I will look at my life with no regrets.
Three weeks. Seems much longer for me. I feel like I've aged about a year in these three weeks. But it's a combination of a good aging and a bad aging. I think God has made me grow up more in the past three weeks. Death and the brevity of life are realities for me now. You know, when you're young, a lot of times you think you're invincible, that there's nothing in the world that can get you. A tiny little bacteria got Mrs. Marks. I'm not invincible. My life is short, a mist fading with the coming morning. I hadn't really faced that before. Oh sure, people I know have died before, but I was young then. It didn't affect me much. Mrs. Marks was only 12 years older than me. That's not a lot. God's sovereignty and power are realities for me now. I have to place my trust in Someone that knows a lot more than I do, and who is way more powerful than I am. I have to place my hope in something that I can't see. Believe me, I'm not using God as a crutch. When something like this happens, His control and His power are the only things that make sense. If I blame someone for this, it only makes me bitter and coldhearted. God is my life. God was her life.
I was digging through my garage a couple of weeks ago, about a week after she died. I found a letter that she wrote me on graduation. At the end of the letter was one of my favorite verses of all time. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2) She ran the race marked out for her since the beginning of time. She fought the good fight and finished the race and kept the faith, and she's received her due reward. Now it's my turn. She was my track coach so I'll use a good track term. She's handed the baton off to me, and it's my turn to run the race. My only prayer is that I finish in a manner that she would be proud of, and in a way that would make my Father in heaven say to me the same words she heard when she stepped through that door: "Well done, good and faithful servant."
There's a huge void in my heart now, and I didn't even know that she had filled it. I was close with her while I was in high school (she was one of my absolute favorite teachers), but over the past couple of years, since I graduated, I didn't get to see her that much. I would always make sure I gave her a hug and talked with her a little bit whenever I went up to school, but those trips became fewer and more far between after last year.
The only place I can think of turning to is Jesus. I was thinking about it last night as I was trying to write a song for these three weeks. As empty as I feel, as pointless as this death seems, the only thing that I could think of saying to God was "Bring it on." I think somewhere in the back of my mind I realized last night that this storm makes me trust Him more. When nothing in my life makes sense, I know that this situation is growing me as a person and as a Christian. He's all I have left to hold onto, and I have to resolve that the wind and the rain is not going to loosen my grip on Him or His grip on me. His mercy and His grace are the only things that can make my heart whole again, but it's through that rain falling down on me that I am washed clean from all my grief and shame.
I can almost hear God saying to me what He said to Job: "Who are you to question My plan?" If I can't trust God in EVERY circumstance, my faith, my life, my salvation means nothing. God didn't call me to trust Him in just the good times. He called me to take up my cross daily and follow Him, leaving everything behind that I held dear. He said that narrow is the road that leads to eternal life. He promised that the road would get rocky at times, and that I would walk through the darkness where a million other voices would compete for my attention. But He also said that He would be a lamp for my feet and a light to my path. He promised that He would be the Prince of Peace, a Wonderful Counselor. He promised that nothing could ever pluck me out of His hand. He promised that He would never leave me or forsake me. And most of all, He said that death has no more victory, and the grave has no more claim on my life because Christ rose from the dead and is now seated at the right hand of God the Father. I believe those promises. It's the only place I can put my hope. Christ is the only hope for me now.
Three weeks. A lot has happened in three weeks. There's so much good that has come out of a really bad situation that it's impossible to deny God's hand in it. From what I've heard, two people have accepted Christ as a result of Mrs. Marks' death. The classes at the high school are finally banding together, acting as each other's support pillars. The Ovilla students here at DBU have come together to support each other, and to pray for each other. The teachers have gathered around her husband and son to be there for them. People have come together all over the country to be a support for everyone grieving. And most of all, I can see it's effects in my own life. I have something spurring me on now... just to make her proud of me. I want to be an encouragement for the students at Ovilla (a place that I just wanted to get out of). I want to make her proud of the woman I have become, and proud of the woman I will become. If I can have half the impact in my lifetime that she had during her short 32 years on this planet, I will look at my life with no regrets.
Three weeks. Seems much longer for me. I feel like I've aged about a year in these three weeks. But it's a combination of a good aging and a bad aging. I think God has made me grow up more in the past three weeks. Death and the brevity of life are realities for me now. You know, when you're young, a lot of times you think you're invincible, that there's nothing in the world that can get you. A tiny little bacteria got Mrs. Marks. I'm not invincible. My life is short, a mist fading with the coming morning. I hadn't really faced that before. Oh sure, people I know have died before, but I was young then. It didn't affect me much. Mrs. Marks was only 12 years older than me. That's not a lot. God's sovereignty and power are realities for me now. I have to place my trust in Someone that knows a lot more than I do, and who is way more powerful than I am. I have to place my hope in something that I can't see. Believe me, I'm not using God as a crutch. When something like this happens, His control and His power are the only things that make sense. If I blame someone for this, it only makes me bitter and coldhearted. God is my life. God was her life.
I was digging through my garage a couple of weeks ago, about a week after she died. I found a letter that she wrote me on graduation. At the end of the letter was one of my favorite verses of all time. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2) She ran the race marked out for her since the beginning of time. She fought the good fight and finished the race and kept the faith, and she's received her due reward. Now it's my turn. She was my track coach so I'll use a good track term. She's handed the baton off to me, and it's my turn to run the race. My only prayer is that I finish in a manner that she would be proud of, and in a way that would make my Father in heaven say to me the same words she heard when she stepped through that door: "Well done, good and faithful servant."
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