brokenness. That is the one word that sums up my life right now. Brokenness for the things of Christ. My heart is broken. My life is broken. Everything is just... in pieces. But the amazing thing is, I can feel God slowly putting everything back together. It's an awesome feeling.
I guess I ought to start at the beginning. The best way to say what happened last week is that I caved. I caved into my desires for companionship and to have someone. I decided to call Ben last week and tell him that I wanted a second try at our relationship. After a couple of days, I felt this weird sense of uneasiness in my soul. It was like this knot formed in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about a relationship with him, with anybody actually. And I knew what it was about. So I mentioned it to my mom in passing. She gave me a funny look, shook her head, and said, "Nope. Friends is great, but not a relationship." Since I trust my mom very much, it got me listening more to the voice of the Lord. And I could tell that He wanted me to wait for His timing.
After that, I started praying for God to just break me. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His wisdom and guidance. I wanted to be broken. And break me, He did. It was one of the most awesome and painful feelings I've ever experienced. I went to a couple of worship services the next day, and everything was what I needed to hear. I needed to know that He was calling me back with open arms, and both worship services I went to talked about just that. Finally, I broke down and just started sobbing. And it felt wonderful to finally be able to pour all those emotions out to the Lord. I think for the first time in a long time, I realized that God was calling me with all the grace in His heart, letting me know that His love and mercy are sufficient.
Spiritual Rush was the same experience. The first night, Bo Hughes talked about letting the Gospel sink from our heads to our hearts, and about placing Christ as the priority in our lives. The Gospel says that Christ's sacrifice and salvation are all we need. So I started thinking. Do I really look for justification as a human being in something other than the cross? Was what I wanted with Ben really what God wanted, or was it me desiring something other than Christ to fill a void in my heart? And when I was thinking about this, I realized that I really did care more about Ben than about the things of God, and I was placing his offer of emotional and physical security higher than God's offer of grace and peace. Red flags went up everywhere. I knew God was letting me know that I needed to cut it off right then. So I called him that night and told him that a relationship would work, not now, not ever. I told him that Jesus needed to be first in my life, and He wasn't when I was thinking about him. And the most amazing thing is, as soon as I got off the phone with him, I knew I had done the right thing by closing that door once and for all.
After I talked to him the first time, I was talking to Libby about it, and the first thing she said to me was, "Guard your heart." I now know what guarding your heart looks like, mostly because I didn't do such a good job of it last week. It is making Christ priority in your life. It is knowing that things like relationships are good things and are from God, but understanding that He orchestrates all things, and nothing in this world can ever measure up to His ultimate offer of love and salvation. His salvation is sufficient for me. If God called me to a life of singleness, I need to understand that it's okay, because a life with Christ is all I will ever really need.
It's a pretty amazing concept, I think. What's even more amazing is that God is showing me day by day that I'm really not alone in my struggles. I wasn't alone before, but now He's brought along some really great girls that are going through the same battles against loneliness and security that I am. Kendra (the RA on the third floor) and I had a long talk about all of that the other night, and then again last night at worship night. We're both struggling with desires for a relationship, and we're both slowly and painfully coming the realization that God is sufficient for us.
This verse from Philippians has been popping up a lot in the last couple of days. We talked about it at Spiritual Rush and then again at THREAD last night:
I guess I ought to start at the beginning. The best way to say what happened last week is that I caved. I caved into my desires for companionship and to have someone. I decided to call Ben last week and tell him that I wanted a second try at our relationship. After a couple of days, I felt this weird sense of uneasiness in my soul. It was like this knot formed in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about a relationship with him, with anybody actually. And I knew what it was about. So I mentioned it to my mom in passing. She gave me a funny look, shook her head, and said, "Nope. Friends is great, but not a relationship." Since I trust my mom very much, it got me listening more to the voice of the Lord. And I could tell that He wanted me to wait for His timing.
After that, I started praying for God to just break me. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His wisdom and guidance. I wanted to be broken. And break me, He did. It was one of the most awesome and painful feelings I've ever experienced. I went to a couple of worship services the next day, and everything was what I needed to hear. I needed to know that He was calling me back with open arms, and both worship services I went to talked about just that. Finally, I broke down and just started sobbing. And it felt wonderful to finally be able to pour all those emotions out to the Lord. I think for the first time in a long time, I realized that God was calling me with all the grace in His heart, letting me know that His love and mercy are sufficient.
Spiritual Rush was the same experience. The first night, Bo Hughes talked about letting the Gospel sink from our heads to our hearts, and about placing Christ as the priority in our lives. The Gospel says that Christ's sacrifice and salvation are all we need. So I started thinking. Do I really look for justification as a human being in something other than the cross? Was what I wanted with Ben really what God wanted, or was it me desiring something other than Christ to fill a void in my heart? And when I was thinking about this, I realized that I really did care more about Ben than about the things of God, and I was placing his offer of emotional and physical security higher than God's offer of grace and peace. Red flags went up everywhere. I knew God was letting me know that I needed to cut it off right then. So I called him that night and told him that a relationship would work, not now, not ever. I told him that Jesus needed to be first in my life, and He wasn't when I was thinking about him. And the most amazing thing is, as soon as I got off the phone with him, I knew I had done the right thing by closing that door once and for all.
After I talked to him the first time, I was talking to Libby about it, and the first thing she said to me was, "Guard your heart." I now know what guarding your heart looks like, mostly because I didn't do such a good job of it last week. It is making Christ priority in your life. It is knowing that things like relationships are good things and are from God, but understanding that He orchestrates all things, and nothing in this world can ever measure up to His ultimate offer of love and salvation. His salvation is sufficient for me. If God called me to a life of singleness, I need to understand that it's okay, because a life with Christ is all I will ever really need.
It's a pretty amazing concept, I think. What's even more amazing is that God is showing me day by day that I'm really not alone in my struggles. I wasn't alone before, but now He's brought along some really great girls that are going through the same battles against loneliness and security that I am. Kendra (the RA on the third floor) and I had a long talk about all of that the other night, and then again last night at worship night. We're both struggling with desires for a relationship, and we're both slowly and painfully coming the realization that God is sufficient for us.
This verse from Philippians has been popping up a lot in the last couple of days. We talked about it at Spiritual Rush and then again at THREAD last night:
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I CONSIDER THEM RUBBISH, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His suffering, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection of the dead."
So in the words of Derek Webb, I repent. I repent of seeking other things to satisfy me. I repent of consistently holding onto my own desires. I repent of always looking to control my own life and my own timing. I repent of letting my heart become an open book. I repent of not keeping Christ the center of my life. And in repenting, one of the most amazing discoveries I've made lately is that the Gospel of grace says, "Okay. As far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your transgressions from you." How awesome is that? I'm part of the "tilted halo gang", those of us that have sincerely messed up but can still stand before the Lord because they are washed in the blood of the Lamb. It's a pretty amazing realization.
"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who hear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
